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Need someone to talk to about this
| Wed, 07-20-2005 - 3:00pm |
Hi I haven't posted on here before, but I suppose I'm in a bit of a bind. The relationship I'm in right now has been going on for a little over a year now. After a few months he started to get very possessive and jealous. He became much more nasty with his insults and would put down my friends and family wherever possible. He would go after me for little things like not holding his hand properly or not being a good enough girlfriend. Anyway, at a nightclub in May I was out with many friends, this was an environment I hadn't taken him to before as I knew it might have gone badly but I sort of wanted to see his true colours come out. Anyway, my friend asked me to go and find her cousin with her, and we left him alone for 10 min - 15 tops in the club, which most people are fine with. When I came back he was furious, and started calling me horrible obscenties. Upon walking away he grabbed my arm and kicked me in the back of the leg. Once at the bar he continued to pelt me with names until my friend told him to stop. About a week later at work he went through my phone bill and found that I had talked to my ex (whom nothing has been going on for in years, we're just friends) and he flipped on me. At this point I was so worn down I just wanted him out of my life, only he was at my apartment with a key and some stuff, and he had already shown a tendency to break things. SO my boss knew the ass. chief of police and he said that he could get some cops to escort me over there, have him gather his stuff and get the key back. This seemed ideal as I'd be fine and my apartment would be fine. I had to go to the police station first and they wanted to confirm why I felt the need to have this assistance. I told them some history and they asked if I wanted to press charges, and I said I didn't. They said they wanted some info incase anything bad happened down the road that he couldn't turn around and say I was lying. It made sense to me at the time, only they turned aroundd and arrested him and pressed charges - Canadian Law it's out of your hands once you let them know about any abuse that's happened. Anyway, this completely blindsided me and I the guilt I felt over all of this is killing me, and I wasn't able to go through with the break up as I felt like I was abandoning him during a really horrible experience. Anyway, my friends and family all t hink that it's done and are extremely relieved, but I'm still seeing him. He made me feel so guilty and stupid for having gone, I keep thinking maybe once the court stuff is over and he isn't convicted that I will be able to leave then. I know this is all absurd, and I'm extremely unhappy. While I agree that he didn't deserve to be charged and go through all of this stuff, he blames me for what is happenening, and it's frustrating as it's his actions that drove me to this point. Any advice would be helpful as no one else knows what I'm going through, which in itself is a huge burden to carry around.

Hi Varga, welcome -
You're not the first person to have come here who's relationship has had this intervention.
CL-Blueliner4
Gosh, honey.
I kinda want you to be the type of girl who has a good boyfriend - a good guy who's nice to you and doesn't blame you for stuff he does. Like, somebody you're proud of. Not somebody who gets arrested.
I think you sound like a nice person who's pretty smart, too. But wow, I can't see you with this guy much longer... he sounds like he's not really a guy someone like you would want to be around... I mean, he's not very nice to you.
I figure I'd rather go without a boyfriend than be with a jerk like him... but then again, I feel sorry for women in movies who get beaten up, too. Maybe you feel the same way, too.
I don't know, I guess I wouldn't be too flattered that someone like him liked me. He's not really a catch.
What if you told him to leave you alone and go away for a long time... not talk to you... that would give you a good chance to meet nice people and stuff.
Hugs to you, vargagirl. You have done nothing to feel guilty about. He abused you and you needed to protect your own safety. I can understand your reluctance to have pressed charges and your thinking that what he did wasn't bad enough that he should be convicted. But what he did was a crime, and his being arrested proves it was bad enough for him to be charged. What he is experiencing now are the consequences of his own actions. If the legal system is working, he will be convicted. The fact that he is blaming you for his arrest shows me that he is still an abuser who has no plan to change - abusers habitually blame others for things they cause themselves. You would not be 'abandoning' him by breaking up with him. The fact that you're hiding your relationship from your friends and family shows that deep down you don't feel it's right to continue the relationship. He may be laying guilt trips on you and blaming you, but you don't have to listen to them. Seek out counselling and confide in your family and friends. I think you know what you want and what the right thing to do is - you just need some support to help you through this.
-sang
Thank you to all of you for your wonderful responses, sometimes I feel as though I'm going crazy or living a double life. Which I suppose I am. I know I shouldn't feel guilty for what happened and I obviously know I am wasting my time with him. It's sick how eventually the rampant over protectiveness and possessiveness starts to feel like love and you become attached to it.
I am going away for 3 weeks in a week and a half, I hope that this will give me the distance I need to come back stronger and detached enough to actively cut the ties. It's so nice to know that other people have gone through what I'm going through and the difficulties of trying to get out of. I feel like there must be something wrong with me sometimes. I would say one of the worst things for me has been becoming completely exhausted trying to explain how his actions in all parts of our relationship are because of him, yet he doesn't take responsibility for anything in his life, he feels as though he's owed something. I guess it's just made me feel as though I'm crazy, like maybe I have a skewed perspective and I can't see properly. I know that it's just that I'm getting worn down.
I will look into a plan for getting stuff, my building has lockers and i'm thinking maybe move his stuff in to a locker and change the locks when he's gone.
Any additional advice would be greatly appreciated,
Nikki
I am sorry to hear another story from another women who is being abused and can't get out of it, It hurts me and I completely feel for you and want to help you the best that I can.
My advice is #1: there is no best time to leave but IMMEDIATLY-NOW! you never know what he will do to you and when, so why wait around for the REAL damage.
#2: Don't let him make you feel guilty, he is the one doing wrong and no matter what he says you have done in your past to upset him should not lead any man nor women to abuse mentally or physically.
#3; When you get into a relationship you had a choice to get involved in that also includes leaveing the relationship YOU have the RIGHT to CHOOSE to lEAVE, no one can tell you any different.
#4: Him getting arrested and the police pressing charges is what he deserves, don't let him give you giult because HE put HIS hands on you, he is the one in the wrong, he deserves all the punishment that comes to him. I believe that what you do to someone that is negative will come back on you but 3 times worse. #5: All the help that you have around you is great, but remember that when you HIDE something from your friends and family (especially people who care about you the most) it is because you know it is wrong.The more support you have the more likely you can help yourself. Keep them close and in the know.
Just to let you know I have posted my story and how I excaped on this web site to show others what type of dangers guys like yours can put on you and others, the title is " I can breath" I reccomend you read it. Really think about it Nikki, there are so many good men out there and they need good women, don't stick around with this loser, You don't deserve to be with someone who can't treat you with any respect or treat you like a Queen like you should be. I know I have the right to go anywhere I please when i want, see anyone that i want to when i want to, buy what i want, wear what I want, dance how I want, be loved how I want and DESERVE!!
There is lots of help out there as well and you are not alone, Remember that.
Much Luv
Deeva