need strength for Dad's day - long post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
need strength for Dad's day - long post!
1
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 8:52am

Same old same old. He is so upset that I've shut down around him once again. He had said I was "doing good" for weeks and "being nice" to him. Being nice to him really meant my just blocking out his comments and tuning things out to avoid a fight. But I reached my breaking point last weekend when he got on a "cleaning" tirade. I think what set him off was that I had asked if I could go shopping that day, (to look for a Father's day gift for him but I didn't say the reason) so I think it was bothering him that I was going to be "out" because since I had just been "going along" there hadn't been any tirade incidents. We had just had the house cleaned a couple days ago, (that's one small mercy that he is ok with paying for a cleaning service) and he saw some crumbs and stuff on the table after breakfast had been eaten and then he started yelling over a gallon of milk that had not been put away. I just got quiet and started to clean and he sensed I was offended so then he started in on me with more insulting comments about my losing weight, etc.. I just went about everything like a robot. Then he got more upset when he noticed I was crying to myself as I was working, he can't stand when I do that, but sometimes I just can't hold it in anymore. He couldn't believe I was crying so I just told him it was allergies but he kept saying you're lying... duh!

Then trying to undo the damage he said come on we (inc. my 11 year old dd) are going out to get something to eat. I asked him for 5 minutes to compose myself. I was very quiet in the car the whole time. There had been a couple of quick errands that needed to be done, so he waited in the car while I went into the stores. Then when I got back into the car he said the way I am acting all depressed and down that there's no point me being in out in public so we are just making one more stop and then going home. My dd had been starving so I said to her, Mom will just make you something when we get home. So he dropped me off at the last store, then when I got back into the car, he started to look for somewhere to eat. I said I thought we weren't eating out, he said no we are getting something.

So all that just made me shut down and he's noticed and he kepting wondering why I would get so upset because all he said was that we needed to keep the house clean and then he said he from now on he won't dare to ask me to even pick up a sock. In typical fashion he totally blocked out his insensitive behavior. On Friday as I drove him to train he starting screaming at me again the car at my attitude. I almost hit a parked car and then he started saying how I shouldn't be driving. Then later that evening he became Mr. Nice Guy again and took us out to eat. I had to act friendly during dinner for the sake of my daughter.

I'm been so depressed since all this, just sucking it up sucking it up but it is so hard. I cry so easily these days.

That sad thing is when he notices that I'm like this he tries to find out what is bothering me and even the few times I've tried to explain it comes back that he acts this way because of something I did , so once again yesterday he made attempts again to "communicate" saying it was Father'Day tomorrow and he wanted to patch things up and that he was sorry for getting made last weekend, and that I had been so nice to him that past few weeks. This was probably not the wisest move but I told him that what he perceived as nice, was basically just me blocking out things he said or did intended to hurt me. When he asked what he did, I told him there was no point in my telling him since he wasn't receptive to anything I said, that's when he said well that's when divorce happens because partners arent' willing to communicate. I didn't say one word back. so then he said "I know what you're doing you're planning on leaving me, the girls are getting older, you've lost weight, so now you want nothing to do with me," then he got out of the car to catch the train.

Now today is Father's Day and I have to put on a happy face just for the sake of my 11 year old. I hope I can find the strength.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 10:04am

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your thoughts and agony. Today is father's day in my house too. One of my children did leave him a father's day gift (the only kid who likes him) and this gift was purchased nearly two months ago when things were, not necessarily better, but *different* - does that make sense? I think it was me that was different. I was still hopeful, still certian that he would "do the right thing" (which was kind of my mantra for the last year or so).

As you can read from my previous post this week, I was *punished* by my husband because I told him "I am depressed" and I told him this in the same fashion that you did - in a moment of weakness when he appeared to be loving and caring towards me and asked me "what is wrong?" For him, if there is a couple of days that are good (and honestly, it can never be more then a couple of days - how sad!) he thinks I should have nothing to be depressed about. He has no concept of my reality - which is to always be on guard. When a couple days of peace come along, I am flooded with exhaustion and constant ruminating! I cry! I am depressed! I want these feelings validated, but it will not happen from him. I realize that and I think that you do too.

I am sitting here this morning...father's day...and I was thinking about this whole mess and what to do today and it suddenly hit me that MY CONCERN - heck, YOUR CONCERN about what to do for father's day is soooooo revealing about what kind of people we are!!! Do you realize that this proves that we are empathetic, loving, caring AND insightful!!! We battle between good and evil, yet we choose good. When *they* are in the same battle, they choose evil every single time (how was your mother's day by the way? Or Valentine's Day. Or Christmas. Your anniversary??) When the day is about something important to YOU, does he put as much thought, concern, caring, love and empathy in that day? My husband has made sure that every day that is important to me is ruined by his inhumane behaviour.

My husband has never celebrated father's day because the mother of his daughter (10 years) has never (not once!!) encouraged her to call or give him a gift. I know this has always hurt him. So last year, (our first father's day together) I took his daughter shopping and she bought him things from her heart and gave it to him on the next visit (which happened to be after father's day, but he knew that she had something for him and he was so happy about that). This father's day will be a struggle for me because he is the father of my unborn baby, and his behaviour supports that he doesn't really care what happens to this child or how it impacts on us (me and baby).

Think about it - in the long run, they are doing us a favour. I don't know if you are planning to leave, but I am. I won't have any good memories when these days come around again. The memories will only reinforce that me and my new baby deserve so much more and together we can create wonderful, happy, memories with laughter and love.

So what will I do for father's day? Choose good, because that is who I am. In the end, he can live alone with his choices.