In need of strength...(new here)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In need of strength...(new here)
3
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 9:29pm
Hello everyone. My name is Melissa, and I am 27 and a mother of two kids the are my whole world. I never married the father of my two kids, for many reasons. When I was 21 I got pregnant by a guy who I was party buddies with. (bad choice). We had our daughter Rachel when I was 21. I had pre-clampsia full blown and she weighed 3lbs 15oz at 38 weeks. She had to stay in hospital for two weeks after I left. I consider her my miricle baby, because she actually is. Well, we moved in together right before I was due, and struggled ever since. He has no high school diploma, and has a drug addiction to marajuana. Whenever we would go out and have some drinks we ended up fighting. He has given my a black eye on two different, the last time was when she was three years old. Since then I have only drank maybe once a year or so due to the fighting. He doesn't drink much anymore but has smoked marajuana everyday for the last thirteen years. He has no idea how to treat a woman. He verbally abuses me regularly. He takes his families last twenty dollars and buys his drugs with it. I am used to that by now. He NEVER has done anything positive with our daughter. Never takes her anywhere, and when he decides to come with us somewhere which is very rare, he ruins our time. He acts very childish by trying to use our car over my head. It is in his name because all of our utilities have been in my name since we started this life together and ended up not being paid because I could not afford it and my credit suffered. His credit is not good either but he got his mom to co-sign for it. He tells me I can not have to car for such things as our daughters school trip that I was to chapperone and other things that I need to do being that I am the only parent that interacts with our children. I can not even begin to explain the hell I have been through with this guy in one message, but I can say that I have tried and still want to leave him. I can not go and live with either one of my parents because they both have girlfriend/boyfriend and their own lives. I make ok money but to get up security deposit and first months rent when all my money goes to bills is very impossible. Well, that is how things were pretty much up until last year. I, very unexpectedly, got pregnant with our second child. He was sooooo happy, and had been asking for me to stop the pill and try to get pregnant for a while. I literally did not have to money to get my pills one month, and had sex one time to get him to leave me the hell alone. Well, that's all it takes, and now we have our son Tyler. He is two months old, born on feb. 5, 2004 and looks just like his sister, too cute! During my pregnany as I went from 5'6" 140 lbs to 211 lbs at delivery he said he was leaving me, he was done with me, and all this. Mind you, every time we split up in the past he was crying for me to come back like a little bi#ch. But one thing that I did when my daughter was three was prmise myself never to call him names or act out-of-control with him even when I don't think I can take anymore. I do not want to lower myself in front of my daughter because of him, he's not worth it. Well, the last two months have been living HELL. Other than my children's health, nothing at all in my life can get any worse. Financially, he makes less than he ever did, due to not being able to pass a piss test, he takes a job making, brace yourself, $8.00 an hour. Now that should be imbarrassing to tell someone, but since I hate him, I think that is the amount he is worth! Anyway, I was out for maternity leave from work and had to go back to work early. He still can find money for his weed. Isn't that good that he can still afford his drug habit with an $8.00 an hour job and two kids! He blames me for everything, and has gotten me to the point that I wish bad things toward him. Our son has acid reflux which is now under control, but for the first 6 weeks I couldn't put him down. Do you think he would lend me a hand with ANYTHING??? nope, he comes hoime from his "job" and decided to sleep until 8:30 pm, leaving me to do everything with our son and our daughter that is in 1st grade. Even getting him to take the baby for 20 minutes so I can read to my daughter at bedtime like I have done everyday of her life is a problem. I have to end up makin my daugher speed read to me because the baby is a crying mess at nighttime. I cry alot, and I am desperate to leave him. I do not want my son to grow up thinking it is ok to tell his kids mom to go suck a di#k for the rent like he told me last night. He contributed nothing to the rent. I had $400. for an $850 rent payment. I work fri-sun and my check had my sons health insurance taken out for the first time and my check was small, but it all went to the rent, except for $15 bucks for my kids Easter baskets. I run around like a chicken with my head cut off to raise these kids, and I can handle that. But I do not need him watching me do it, and putting me down and making me depressed everyday! How do I get out??????

Thanks for listening, even if you have no advice.

I even considered a shelter, but can't bear to do it with my daughter being almost 7.

Take care, and good luck to everyone in a similar situation...

Melissa

Rachel (7-8-97)

Tyler (2-5-04)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 8:57am
Hugs and Welcome to the board melissa! You have found a wonderful community of many people who are where you are, just now finding freedom and those of us who have been free of abuse for years now.

If you read over other posts you will find that your situation is not unlike many here. My first place to say look for help is your local shelter network. Not only do they offer safe haven for those of us who need it, they also offer a wealth of resources such as legal, financial and emotional aid. They can help you find the best route for you to seek a better life for you and your children. You can also find Domestic Violence help through your local ER, as most hospitals have a DV network.

Also, read as much as you can on the homepage of this board as you will find many solid articles and links to resources around the world. Educating yourself in the dynamics of abuse will allow you to make far better choices as an educated decision is more beneficial than emotional ones.

As you start to seek the road to freedom, do not share with your abuser what you are doing. Abusers will sometimes escalate the abuse if they know we are trying to break free.

Abuse is all about control and power, it is their choice to be this way and most will never change. They promise that they will, but in the end it is only another way to baffle and confuse us to try and keep us from leaving.

I hope you continue to post, vent and ask here as you will find your story in many of ours as well. That alone is sometimes a great relief because we find that we are not alone in this, many more have come before us and even more will sadly follow.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 2:00am

Hi rayoflight…welcome to the board.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:54am
Thank you's two for reponding to my message. Sorry it took me so long to get back. I only go online at work because I sure don't have any time at home to go online, but Anthony does...go figure! I truely and greatly appreciate all of your advice. I am considering the shelter more and more, although I think a close girlfriend of mine would rather me stay at her house. I just feel like I am opposing with two kids and all. I am trying to hold out until the school year is over so I have the whole summer to get straightened out without disturbing my daughter during the school year. You knoe what is the hardest thing for me, other than leaving due to money and a place to stay,it's the unrealistic hope in every peaceful evening that we have as a family. It seems Anthony is his worst when my three days of work come up, which is fri-sun. And even though I am not happy when we are getting along due to everything that he has done and continues to do, I still sit and think about how much more peaceful my house is than the household I was raised in. My Dad was the biggest jerk to my Mom, worse than Anthony is to me. I see the pattern that I fell into. My dad was abusive, and here I am now following in my Mom's footsteps. She finally left my dad when I was 16 and my sister was 19, but I am trying to get out a.s.a.p. because I will kill a man if he treats my daughter the way my mom and I have been treated. I just hope I do not go looney before I leave him, because sometimes I wonder how much more I am going to be able to withstand. Good luck to everyone, and I am looking forward to the day I can wake up with my children in a good mood, and not have someone (Anthony) bring me down like he does everyday.

As I looked into the eyes of my newborn son, and promised him I will make our lives better I told him..."I might run out of money, and might even run out of patience, but I will never run out of love".

Thank you for listening and for your help...

Melissa

Rachel (7-8-97)

Tyler (2-5-04)