in need of support

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
in need of support
5
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 7:33pm
i made it through the weekend without any contact with my abuser - Yay! It's amazing all the emotions I feel throughout the day. Today I just felt like my self-esteem is really beat up. I used to be so happy and carefree and always laughing. When I see my reflection, my face looks so sad and I feel so passionless. I had weak moments today, too, where part of me wished that my abuser would call me and beg me to work things out with him, but I know that the phone call would actually be him screaming at me and saying that I have changed and that there is something wrong with me. I just feel so sad and I picture his face and wonder why things have to be this way. Why does he have to be so uncaring toward me and all about himself? I don't think I have ever met someone so selfish in my life. I am in need of support, to hear that things will get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 8:14pm

Things will get better - it will just take some time. I am proud of you for making it through the weekend. Have you thought about writing into a journal/diary type thing? I started to do that when I went thru Day 1 of not talking to my abuser. A couple times I had to start at day 1 again but it gets better and better. Might be a good idea to get your thoughts out and onto paper.

My abuser was soooo selfish. But the funny thing is that he would call me selfish! He would totally switch it around on me all the time. He would always have to get his way. When I didn't get my way (which was hardly ever) he would call me a cry baby. What an idiot he was! He only thought about himself and when I told him to think about me, he would say why don't you think about my feelings. Hello.. You are screwed in the head.

You will have happy times and sad times while you go thru the healing of being with any abuser. Abusers are really damaging even though they do it so secretly. They rip our self esteem apart in ways I never thought. You will get better, it will just take time. I had so many times that I wish my abuser would call me just to talk. I finally realized that if he did call me it would only make it worse once we got off the phone. I would be even more upset after talking to him.

Hugs. Things will get better. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 3:47pm

This is just the beginning, the rest of your life is waiting for you.
Everything you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. Because you have just come out of an abusive relationship it's normal to have low self esteem, but that will change with time and perseverance. You left him! that was the hardest thing you could have done and you did it. This shows just how strong you are.

You know I just left my abuser 2 weeks ago and I understand how it must feel. I am still in the process of re building my self esteem. I still don't see myself in the mirror.
but that will change with time, I promise you each and every day will hurt less and less. It will probably take you a few months to feel completely better, but you are on your way to recovery. The best thing to read is on the domestic abuse homepage: the first 100 days after leaving an abusive relationship. Also what I have been doing, is making a list of why I left him, of all the abusive things he has ever done to me. It is quite therapeudic. Keep this list on you at all times.

Don't ever look back, don't think of him, at least not at this point. It has to be this way because he choose to abuse you, he choose to deliberately mistreat you. You don't deserve that, you deserve a respectful, kind and loving man, who will make you so happy, As long as you stayed with your abuser, you would never find the love that you are worthy of. Trust me, the pain will subside, just give yourself time to heal. I would suggest right now to see an abuse counselor---not a regular psychologist, someone who specializes in abuse would be able to give you real help. You can go to your CLSC, that's what I did and was reffered.

Just hang in there. What you did was a brave and courageous thing. We are so proud of you.
This is the beginning of the rest of your life, chapter two.

If you ever need to talk I'm here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 9:31pm
You are doing all the right things. Hang in there! It sure is tough, but it can be done. It might help you also to lurk on the New Beginnings board, to see all the stories of the women who are out. You can do it too!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 9:05pm
Thank you so much for your reply. It has been a tough week. tomorrow (Friday) will be a week since I pulled the plug on this relationship. the first couple of days i really felt disoriented and sad, but I am starting to feel less crazy. I passed a friend of my abuser's the other day and he (abuser's friend) called me. I am sure he probably knows what is going on but he sort of played like he didn't. ... I am not sure whether it was a good idea or not to talk to him but I basically told him how I felt about the situation and what I really want in a partner - not what I was getting. Of course I cannot stop thinking about everything that has happened and at moments I feel very sad and I have to admit that a part of me wants to blame myself, even though I really didn't do anything wrong. I also feel guilty, of all things! I don't understand why I feel guilty, but I do. I am sure that he has at some level moved on (or is trying to act like it) - running around, trying to pick up chicks. I just want to heal and be happy again. It feels like so long since I have laughed or had a good time. I walked on eggshells for so long and when I look in the mirror, I feel like I have become ugly, dull and boring. This isn't the way I used to be! It feels good to have had a week of no contact but who knows how long it will be until I truly wake up and feel good about my life again. I really do not even know where to begin.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 10:21pm
You made it through the weekend with no contact - that is great! I am in the process of knowing how hard that is myself...I will keep reading your posts...