need support..cant do this anymore..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
need support..cant do this anymore..
4
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 9:11am

I never thought that I would put myself in such a bad perdicament again. I keep beating myself up because I have no idea why I do this to myself. I used to post here back a couple years ago. I was in a very verbal and sometimes psyhically abusive relationship for 7 years. I was young and still a teenager when we met and didn't really understand what he was doing to me was wrong until it was too late. I tried to end it so many times but I never had the strength until 2yrs ago. At that point I was totally numb, no self esteem, no self worth, thought I was basically not good enough for anyone and deserved it. It was like torture. He mentally abused me for years, threatened to kill himself because of control(even tried to once I almost had a nervous breakdown that day), pushed me around, tried to run me off road, locked me in rooms, followed me, etc..I felt so trapped. He wasnt like this everyday until the very end which is why I finally left. It would go monthes inbetween these epsiodes. Then it started to happen more frequently until it was like everyday. He was also cheating on me too, this was a blessing in disguise because I feel he would have never had left if there was no one else there to fall back on. The only good thing out of this realtionship was my son who is my world. My ex tortured me with court the first year we broke up as well as verbally abused me. He has now calmed down alot because when he left he moved on right away and just had a baby with her in Jan of this year. I took our breakup pretty bad. I was anxious, not sleeping, not eating, just so utterly upset. For some reason I even missed him. I have know idea why. It took everything inside me to stick to my decision to not take him back and to really be over. It was nice though in a sense to be able to come and go as I liked, hanging out with my friends again, to be able to not have to answer to anyone.

After about a year I met a guy and started dating him. He seemed ok I guess. I was not that into him a first just kinda went with the follow. I thought he was immature but he was younger so I did not make a big issue of it. I was very attracted to him. Then one day he slaped me in my face because I talked to another guy on the phone and did not tell him about it. We broke up but ended up getting back together. He then started trying to control me by telling me to stay in the house or he would break up with me, not allowed to go out with friends for drinks with the gals or he will break up with me, no bar, no social life really or he would break up with me. I have no idea why I listened I thought I cared about him. Actually anything I did that he did not like he would break up with me and I would be so dumb that I would aually call him up and apologize for whatever he was mad about even if I did not think I was wrong. He would tell me he was not going in public with me because he said I did not deserve it. He said I treated him like crap so he would not go to dinners, movies, stores anything because of it. In the mean time I paid for his dog visits, let him drive my expensive car, bought him clothes, bought him dinner (take out), paid for damages he did to my car. He did this from March last year til Sept. He went no where with me. He said he had to be ready to do that. On my bday in Nov he said a couple weeks before hand that I did not deserve anything for it and dont expect anything because he is not doing anything or getting me anything. He said this because I went out to a bar and dinner with my sister about a month before and since I disrespected him by doing that he was going to act like that on my BDay. Stupid me still stayed and I have no idea why. I thought things would get better if I did what he asked but he is and was never happy with anything I do or say. If I know I did not deserve this but I felt trapped again like before and unable to leave. He even slapped me in my face and screamed at me on my Bday because I was mad about the way I was being treated. I finally had it and I tried to break up with him. But he promised to stop treating me like crap and hurting me. I believed him. Since then he has grabbed me so hard he left bruises on my arms, threw me around, hit me in my head, choked me, and about two weeks ago he grabbed me so hard out of my car that I hit my head on the door which left a bruise and knot on my forehead. He keeps telling me I did that and that he did not hit me but if he did not grab me I would not have hit my head. He yells at me for crying too. He is go at manipulating me into think he did nothing wrong and by the end of the conversation I am wrong and apologizing.

Last nite he came home with me after we went the store. We both fell asleep and woke up around 10pm. I worked long hours all week so I was tried. He went down stairs and was watching tv and I came down but fell asleep on the couch again. HE woke me up because He wanted to fool around and I did not. He wanted me to do all these different things to him I said no. He got mad and said I do things that I dont want to do. I said that this is not even remotely the same. Going to store or helping with something isnt in the same catergory as what he was talking about. He got angry and went up stairs. I followed to go to bed. He got up and went downstairs again. I am annoyed by now because I am tired and had to get up early for work. He comes back up and started saying he is leaving then he is not, that I dont care about him, then he starts screaming at me about something that had nothing to do with our arguement. He threw me on the bed and was yelling at me and said he was going to hit me. I started crying he said go in the bathroom and cry. He made me get up and go in there. I tried to leave the room and he said no that I had to stay in the bathroom that I was cry baby. Then he tells me I can get out if I stop crying. Then I get in bed again he wants to hold me and is sorry and that I should just let it go. I know that I can be demanding, unbearable, and annoying at times. I also know I can scream and argue with the best of them but I know I dont deserve this. I wake up this morning and he is mad at me for I dont even know what. I know I need to end things but everytime I try he manipulates me into staying again and I end up apologizing for something I did not do. PLease help me. I cant do this anymore.




Edited 4/7/2006 11:49 am ET by crk21
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 11:19am

Hi crk,
So sorry for what you're going through ((Hugs)). Unfortunately, what you've just described is something alot of us go through.And self-esteem issues are a big part of our problem.I have seen "strong", independent women end up in abusive relationships as well,but I think low self-esteem does make us more vulnerable.
This man has hit you on more than one occasion, I think you even mentioned that he choked you.Please,please do not tolelrate this behavior any longer.He has NO right to put his hands on you in any way that hurts you,or makes you feel uncomfortable.
Although I have only been posting to these boards for around a year, this is one of the worst cases of abuse I've read.Not only does he physically abuse you, he mentally abuses you terribly.Please call your local Domestic Violence shelter,get help & support from your family and/or friends, & keep posting here.
Most importantly,the next time he hits you (if you do not decide to leave) call the police! Abusers will abuse you as long as they think they can get away with it.You deserve so much better hon. Keep us posted & please stay safe.

Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 11:30am

The best, first step is to call your local women's/domestic violence shelter. They should be in the yellow pages of your local phone book, and can advise you best as to resources in your particular area.

Yes, this is abuse. The important thing to keep in mind is that we do not have to have our hands tied by our past. Low self-esteem can indeed make us more vulnerable to abuse, but we can stop the cycle if we so choose. You deserve a life free from abuse, and you can have it! Call the DV shelter, and check out our board website, accessible through the "Learn more about this community" link at the top of the page.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 2:49pm

Awe..(hugs)

Sounds like you know that he is no good and messed up (and a big baby) . Start thinking of him as a habit, a bad habit you want to break yourself from. Don't let his control games break you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 7:36pm

"I know that I can be demanding, unbearable, and annoying at times. I also know I can scream and argue with the best of them but I know I dont deserve this."