Need to Vent!
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| Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:13pm |
I guess you could say I'm somewhat new here, although I've been lurking for awhile and responded to a few posts. I haven't posted my story, so I guess I'll do that now and try to be brief. I feel sort of lame posting this though, so many of you seem to have situations that are much worse, but here goes....
H and I have been married for 5 years, together for almost 10. Met him when he was still married, when I found out I told him I wasn't interested which is when the lying started. He told me he was newly separated and we went on from there. (I feel so stupid writing this, I must have been such an idiot.) He lied about so many things, took money from my purse, drank too much, etc. but I was in such denial because he seemed so nice, just hurt by his circumstances, was misunderstood, blah, blah, blah. He played (and plays!) the victim sooooo well. I felt like I could "save" him. So stupid. The control and manipulation started so subtly, like complaining about me still babysitting for a family that I babysat for through college (I was 27 and very close to this family). So, I'd cancel on them every once in awhile because he asked me too but I refused to give that up. He also wanted me to stop getting my nails done, complained about how long it took to get my hair done, complained when I'd want to see friends - anything that took my time away from him. I'm sorry to say that eventually my relationships with my friends were what suffered because he made it so difficult to see them. It was such a fight and so draining. It just became easier not to see them. He'd complain about gifts I got him, he'd say they weren't thoughtful enough and that I didn't care enough, if we didn't have sex everytime he wanted it, it was the same thing - I didn't love him or care about him, I was selfish, he'd pout, throw tantrums. Slowly I just started giving in to avoid the fight. He continued to lie about things, put money on one of my credit cards and then hid the credit card and the bills. Took money from my bank account. But at the same time he'd buy me nice gifts, was very complimentary, fun to hang out with most of the time, we'd have great conversations and great vacations. He had his times where he'd seem to be rational, apologetic, etc. I rationalized everything, thinking every relationship isn't perfect and that I'd just work that much harder to make it great.
Then we married and were pregnant right away. Not what I wanted, but of course, now that I have my 2 kids (DS 5 and DD 3) I love them more than anything. In fact, it's where most of the love of my life exists. Nothing makes me happier than to snuggle up with them on the couch, you know? Things got much worse when we had kids. He was still drinking too much, staying out til all hours and no matter how much I asked him not to it didn't matter. He'd promise he'd stop and he would for a week and that would be it. After DS was born he complained about how messy our apt. was. Um, yeah, staying home with a new baby will take precedence over a few things. I swear by that time I wanted him to get hit by a bus on his way to work. We'd argue, he'd threaten suicide - it was crazy. But by then I figured no way could I leave, with a new baby, etc. I was raised in a very Christian home - divorce would be the worst thing I could do. I had to stay and fix things. Through the bad times there'd be good times as well. But then when DS was 4mos and I went back to work full time and wanted to hang out with friends after work once in awhile, well, how dare I and more arguing ensued. Especially if I went out and didn't answer my cell phone. Naturally that meant I wasn't where I said I was and that something weird was going on. I've been accused of cheating on him throughout our relationship which is ironic because he's the one that goes out at least twice a week and sometimes spends the night with friends. I of course am home 95% of the time. He's nuts.
Which brings me to my vent. I'm going out with one of my best girlfriends tonight. We've been friends for 18 years and naturally he's met her and spent time with her. Yet he hates it when I go out with her because she's done some questionable things in the past (he knows she's cheated on at least one boyfriend). However, I am not like her in that regard. Plus she's been in a serious (and monogomous) relationship for almost 3 yrs now. Yet everytime she and I have plans I get attitude, a fight, the silent treatment. Whatever. He makes it miserable. Last night though I said to him that I was tired of having this same fight over and over. She's one of my best friends, we've been friends for 18 years and I will never stop being friends with her nor will I stop seeing her socially.
Sigh. I don't really even know what my vent is I guess. I just get tired of it all. We'd been going through a good period but even through that I was just waiting for the day when it would stop. It's funny because he always encourages me to go out with this friend and when the time comes for me to do it, he's an a$$. It never fails. And then I know he'll be waiting up for me tonight, because he always does, and he'll want to have sex with me because somehow that will prove I'm not out cheating on him. I hate it but I've been tolerating it for so long now that it's second nature.
How do I break the pattern? I know I need to. I no longer love, respect or trust him. How is that a marriage? I've lost myself, second guess every decision I make, am a fanatic about keeping my cell phone nearby, have sex when I don't want to and hate it and basically have tried to make his life so easy. I know I have to get out. I guess I'm just struggling. Do I actually get fooled into thinking things might change everytime we go through a good period? Am I that stupid? Or am I just conditioned? I don't know anymore.
I thank all of you for reading this extra long post. I feel better getting it out of my head and "on paper" so to speak. And all of you are such great women, and I know you can relate. Thanks for listening.....
L

Big hugs, Mom2dylan. I saw your post and wanted you to know you're in the right place, doing the right thing, posting and reading. I hear you on the cycle of madness and wanting to get off that merry-go-round.
It sounds like your dh wants to look like a good guy by encouraging you to see her, he'll remind you of that when you complain about him making it so hard, right?
I'm not really a member of this board, just lurk here sometimes. I don't have any answers for you, but I didn't want your reaching out to go unanswered.
Being here is the right place for you. Please stay while you collect strength and wisdom.
lurkerdelux, thanks for your kind words. Yes, I'd like to be able to get off of this merry-go-round, or rollercoaster as it sometimes seems. You're right, he doesn't want to seem like the bad guy. His way is never to directly tell me not to do something. It's to make most of what I like to do so miserable that I'll stop doing it. Unfortunately, it has worked for him in the past so it's difficult to break that pattern. (sigh) Thanks for your support and I will continue to lurk. There is help in learning from other people's experiences.
L
Your story sounds like mine. Please don't let it end up as mine did 30 years later. I can never get back those years, just take all the good things that happened and go on from here. He doesn't deserve you but your children do. All the help you will need can be found here. We care. Take care of yourself,
Luv, Sherry
Some of them are subtle.
Thanks, Sherry, for your kind words. 30 years - it's so hard, isn't it? I mean, for me it's only (and I use the term only loosely!) been bad for 8 but I still look back and kick myself over and over again. The good times can be great, but they're not enough. Unfortunately when you go through the cycle so many times you get used to it, expect it and consider it normal. I've seriously forgotten what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I never imagined that would happen. Are you now out of your relationship? If so, I'd love to hear sometime how you did it.
Thanks again, and take care of yourself as well.
Lisa
Thank you for your post and your suggestions. I've thought about calling a shelter on the sly but always end up talking myself out of it, thinking so many women are in worse situations. I'm sure I'm still in denial that this is abusive behavior. It's shocking to me what has become acceptable. He IS very subtle. I doubt that anyone else would ever see through him, except his family. They know how he can be. And it's as though I no longer really control my responses to some of his actions. All of my responses have become automatic and are in place just to keep things peaceful. Some days I feel so drained by it all.
This argument about this girlfriend of mine just drives me nuts. And yes, she is a keeper. She's stuck by me through everything, never judged and been a great friend. I think the next time he has a fit about her, I'll tell him that if he wants me to give her up because of "the way she's acted" then I need to divorce him because what he's done over the years - the lies, betrayals, manipulations, etc. have been 100x worse than anything he could imagine she has ever done. If I were to keep to his standards, I'd think that would be the only solution, right? I'll love to see his reaction....
Thank you for the support and the welcome. I'm very happy I've found this board.