Need To Vent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Need To Vent!
11
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 7:25pm
Just when I think things might be getting better my husband tells me he is giving the woman he works with back rubs! I put up with 2 years of him being addicted to porn on the internet and thought maybe he was getting over it. He also used to hit on women and I told him if he continued I would leave him. Why would he tell me about it? I have saved enough money to move out and now all I have to do is find an apartment. He keeps all his money in his own checking account and I have my money in my own account, so it won't be hard to move. I don't even want to think about all the other abuse I have put up with in this relationship. I am at the point of hating him - there is no other emotion left. I refuse to argue with him - a waste of time. Any feedback would be helpful at this point.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 11:57am
Yep, argueing with him would be a waste of time and energy to you. Find an apartment and move out. You deserve better, and he deserves to be alone. He is not worth your energy to even hate. I am moving out of my abusive relationship that has been going for 7 years now, and am to the point of hating him too. I found it is not worth even doing that. i have not spoken to my bf for 3 days. He had a temper tantrum 3 days ago becuase I would not talk about what wsa bothering me when he wanted to. I told him we would discuss it after the kids went to bed, since I knew he would be throwing a fit anyway, but he proceeded to throw a fit and started calling me names and screaming at me at the top of his loungs. All of this in front of the kids. I am not happy about my kids hearing him call me names like the c word, and b*tch and what ever else was thrown around. I lost it at one point and called him a few things back which i was trying not to do but my pateints grew thin. I decided to end it and walked away, he tried to black me but I got around him. He started following me so I went to the bathroom and locked the door, when he tried to open it he started slaming on it and was screaming at me to come out. I did not say another word. And I have not for 3 days now. He has not tried to talk to me either but he is tring to act really nice to the kids now. BS... He is doing it to try to act like nothing happend and I am not buying it.

I hate him and he hates me since I will nto give him his narcissitic supply anymore. So I am moving out and you should do the same. HE is not worth it. And he knows it that is why he is scum to you. He does thing just to get a reaction out of you and then will claim that it means nothing, the other women mean nothing cause there are not emotions involoved. Question is does he really have any emotions at all? Not acting but true emotions, probably not. You don't need him, you need to be happy, and you deserve real love not someone that is faking it.
One question to you is why do you put up with it? Why have you not left before? What is your part that you play in the whole thing? What have you gotten out of the relationhsip that keeps you there?
Just a few questions to think about.

Good luck sweetie
Jenn
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 9:53pm
The only reason I am staying now is to try to get a few of my bills paid off and save more money. I don't know what my part is in this relationship or what I get out of it except for money. He pays most of the bills now and I can save more to leave with. Why do women stay? At first I thought it was me and could not figure what I did to make him act this way. Now I know it is not me. I thought there was something wrong with me when he started looking at the porn on the internet. He is the one with the problem, not me. Sometimes I think I am just to weak to leave any more. I did leave him once. Now, I know he is just saying stuff to get me to react - thanks for telling me that. I can see what he is doing now - what a rotten thing to do! If this other woman he works with wants him she can have him. There is no love left any more with me and I don't care if he goes with someone else - in fact, I wish he would. I don't have a car and I want to find some way to move my computer so I don't have to leave it behind as it is part of my business.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 8:26am

Oh god totally understand the staying for money stuff but that only got me into more debt unfortunatly. I was injured at work 2 years ago and was on workers comp for a year and now that ended and I have just sort of been stuck. I did not want to leave and beon welfare cause I am jsut like that but getting a job that I could physically do with out being laid up for a week after doing one day is just about impossible to find here in my town. So I have staied because I thought living with father of my kids was better then subjecting them to living on welfare for the next year and a half until I am done with my first degree.
But thing came to a head last night after 3 days of the silent treatment. It was the typical fight, he had the same old responses as usual and I am tired of dealing with it. The only reason I bring up what part you played in your reationship is not so much that it is your fault that he is addicted to porn but why you stay(money) and why you went back. Why is it not appailing to you that he treats you that way. the nly reason that I say that is that I am a codependent and i was thinking that maybe you might have sme thinging you need to lok at in yourself. I am not saying you do but it is always good to look at everything so that you don'e repete the same mistakes over and over and over again.

I understand not wanting to leave because of money but you have to wonder what is your self esteem worth in monitary terms? How much are you worth? Is the saving up money worth losing yourself? I find that it is not, that is why as of today I am done with my stupid man. I am looking for a place and I may end up going to stay with my parents this week while I look. Not sure yet. I just know that I can not stand the site of him anymore and want to actually hurt him. I know that is wrong to say and I would not do anything but I wish harm upon him. that is horrible and there are only 2 people in this world I wish that upon. Well off to look at apartments.
Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 8:53am

Hi I'm new to the board. It's my new addiction. Just a few thoughts about porn.

I don't like it myself but as long as it's the kind between consenting adults I don't have a problem. One thing I do know a little is harmless. Men are very visual when it comes to sex. It has nothing to do with finding their girlfriend boring or unatractive. Men just like porn. It's only a problem when they need to spend hours looking at it, they won't respect your feelings & be discreet or try to make you do the lastest revolting thing they saw in one of the films or on the internet.

Hope this helps

Love Katie Bear

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 3:07pm
As far as the internet porn goes I did'nt mind at first but he started spending more and more time looking at it and then our sex life just stopped. He asked me to look at a problem he was having with his computer and I clicked on the bookmarked pages and the page that came up was a website where you register and can look for singles. So I went on the site and looked around with a visitors pass and found out almost all of the people who put up ads had naked pictures of themsleves. I got mad and told my husband if he wanted this kind of lifestyle that he could have it. I moved out and left him and was gone for several months. He told me he thought it would be alright if he looked at the porn because I had watched a X-rated movie with him. What does that say about MY morals??? or maybe lack of them! I felt degraded and thought that if watching x-rated movies with a man is going to cause him (or any other man)to see me as something less than I am or view me as just a sex object that it was the very last time I would spend my time watching that junk. I want a man who sees me for the woman that I am, and not some crummy sex object. Some people on this message board will not agree with what I have to say about the porn, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. The porn problem was not something that I want to ever go through again. It just destroys any respect or feelings you have the person. I have NO RESPECT for him at all now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 4:40pm

Hi -


IMO, the porn thing is

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 9:09pm

Nah, you're right. For some men it's the closest thing they have to a hobby. Watching a porn movie once doesn't say anything about your morals. It was his attemt to justify what he'd done. You as good as cault him with his pants down What I hate is the ideas men get from the movies they watch.

As you can see I don't have a good opinion of them at the best of times. Luckily I gave birth to the perfect male & when he's 15 I'll put him in a Monastery where only Mothers are allowed to visit.

The Internet has given men a whole new way of cheating. We didn't have the Internet when I was with my X but he used to answer personal adds in the papers. Mind you I'd pray he'd leave me for another woman.

I'm bringing up two boy's & my question is why is it that men no matter what their backgrounds want no strings, consequence free sex? Why do so many have this sense of entitlement about it? I don't see a lot of respect for women these day's & God forbid if you're bringing up children on your own. Is it some feminist backlash? I'm proud to call myself a feminist. These men ought to be reminded they wouldn't be here if it wasn't for a woman & thats just for starters!

No time to rant. My house looks like a bomb hit it so I have to clean up. My mother is here helpfully pointing out all the chores that need to be done.

Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 10:35pm
Thank you Katiebear - you made me laugh! First time in a long time too. Thank you also moderator - I found the site at parent soup. I used to post on it when it was attached to betrayed spouses and then it moved and I could not find it. I feel better already knowing that other people care and I don't feel so isolated. I don't know what makes men do the things they do, but I do know that all men are not that way. I belong to a church (first time for me!) and I see examples of men who do not abuse and maybe even do not use porn. They are busy taking care of their families - at least from the outside they look great. The more I read here and the other site the more I realize just what a stupid fool I have been to believe him as he is very good at lying. Of course he will not admit to lying even if you catch him in the act! He even lies about the lying. I am so tired of living like this and find it hard to remember a time when someone actually cared about me and I did not have to worry that something I say or do will set off his next major temper tantrum. I have anxiety attacks and high blood pressure from being around him when he starts throwing things and yelling. Some times I am brave and holler back but lately I just cry and find it harder each day to find a reason to even get out of bed. I fell numb and his yelling and complaining don't even register. I just ignore him. I think I am rambling here and need to sign off - it is just nice to let go of all the secrets.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 3:46am


Well I am going to take the devils advocate with porn and no strings attached sex here. I Love the playboy channel actually, I found many pointers that made me a much better lover, even though my stupid abusive ahole of a bf will mid fight tell me I just lay there like a bump on a log, and that no guy will ever want to sleep with me. I had to laugh becuase I just had to keep myself from puking when he touched me. I think porn can be great as long as it is either used when alone, and I mean without relationship or as a couple to enhance the mood. It is great to have a few glasses of wine and watch some steamy sex scene on a movie, it only had to stay on for about 10 minute too..lol.
But if it is used by the man as an alterntive to sex with his partner then he has a problem. You man has a problem. He is addicted and is abuse and looking to cheat. That is not the way all guys are, though most fantisize about having anonymos sex parnters for no strings atteched sex and I know plenty of women that like that idea too. There is nothing really wrong if you are single just going out and getting a booty call but it is not what is going to make for a lasting relationship, it jsut kills time and satisfies a natural human need we have. Sex is very natural but there are so many devients that it is hard to tell where the lines are and when there is actually a problem. If it hurts you in anyway then it is a problem. Your man is an abusive ahole and you need to be rid of him, so that you will be availible and able to be a whole person when your soul mate does make an appearence on the scene. I do have beleifs in the whole soul mate, twine flames, and that stuff so to me if I am in a dead relationship that is abusive then I am closed off from finding my real soul mates and twine flame that are out there right now as I speak. I have found one of my soul mates(I beleive we have many, in the forms of friends and teachers in our lives) and I can see just how we get along so well it is like we were ment to know each other at this point in our lives. I can not wait to see if I do ever find my twine flame, i can not imagine the love that can come from that.

The porn thing is not you, it is him, and you have every right to be hurt and feel the way you do. But you are the only one that can change anything and that change will only be within you. So leave him behind in the dust with his porn and let him prey on someone other unsuspecting fool it is not your problem. You only have to worry about you and making yourself happy. Not realing on someone is hard, but it is the only way to ever learn to be really happy. Since no one is responsible for making you happy but you.
Talk to you later
Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 4:36am

It's not even watching. For me it's the noises they make. I end up rolling on the floor having hysterics laughing.

I hate the way men don't take 'no' for an answer. My X nagged me for the proverbial 3 some so long & hard that when I got my Holiday pay from work one year I tossed him in the door of a brothel. At least I knew condoms would be used. Ladies of negotiable affection have to have health checks every month. Once he gave me a vibrator, I was in the kitchen, kids under my feet trying to cook dinner after a long day at work. It was a new tackles low, even for him. I was furious, he became sulky. Unbeknown to him I kept it. I absolutely treasured it too.

Or all of a sudden it's a grand idea to go to some Swingers club, it's like listening to a broken record until you become so fed up it's one of the biggest things you have ever argued about with him. And the Greek, always the Greek. 'Why can't I' he whines, 'Because' I said 'It's like a third leg, forget it'. I told the last boyfriend if I was allowed to shove something up his orifice we had a deal. Fair is fair. I haven't seen him for a while. I've lost interest anyway. Most men I've met don't have a clue how to use their tongues except to lie or abuse.

Love Katie Bear XXXXXXXXXXX

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