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need wisdom
| Wed, 11-02-2005 - 9:20am |
Hi Everyone. I am new to this board and could use some of your wisdom. My problem is I know my husband is a verbal abusive person, he calls me names, has no respect for me or anyone else, very disrespectful. When he blows he gets physical - gets in your face, pushes, slaps. Heck I am afraid to even talk with him about something I know he might disagree with. If I would of only got on line back in the dating stage and looked at the signs of verbal/emotional abusive people - he fit the bill. They should teach this stuff in school. Anyway getting off line. The question I ask is how do you get up the courage, how do you leave, when do you know it's time to call it quits? We have been married for 13 years have two kids, 3 and 7 years old. Not all times are bad, there are good days. I know as each year passes he seems to become more angry easily irritated; the name calling has gone from once in a while to now atleast once a day, he continues to use foul language in front of the kids, he is a "road rage driver", nothing is ever his fault (he says if only I would pay more attention to him, he would not call names), never apologizes, etc. I know all this but it doesn't seem to help. Logically I know LEAVE, I can support me and my children (have a great paying job) so why cannot I. Why do I worry about what he will be loosing (big house, place to go hunting, material things, etc.) I know my kids would miss seeing him daily, but I know I could give them a calm environment. As it is now I am the one who takes care of them - he is just for fun - in their eyes, when he wants to play with them that is. For a smart woman I am pretty dumb for staying. Oh I have been to see a lawyer, I believe in having all "my ducks in a row" if I ever do leave.

What is stopping you?. I think it is just the fear to take charge of your life, to become independent from him and maybe a little bit scare of his reaction.
First of all, you must be convinced that this is what you want to do, that there is no way to save your marriage. When two people lose respect for each other, I think it is pointless to stay together.
Secondly, you must be prepared mentally and financially to separate from him.
From your post it seems that you are prepared. Try to give one step at a time. Start looking for a lawyer, a house, etc. I would recommend you that you take your parter to a restaurant or any public place and talk calmly with him about your decision. This will prevent him from becoming aggresive to you.
Think about you and your children first. You and them deserve a healthy environment where there is love and respect for each other. Besides, they will never lose their father, he will always be there. I assume you will let him see his children because that is his right. So, don't use this as an excuse. I am sure your children will understand why you took them away from him, not now, but when they become adults. And they will admire you for that. Many women prefer to stay in dysfunctional marriages.
Good luck.
Welcome, ck and iliana!
It's hard to do, not about wisdom, about letting go, which is not something we are ever informed about when it comes to loving someone. Well, maybe we are, but, it never takes hold until we are in the midst of it. We are all so different, and we all reach that point at a different time. I so wish I could reach it now, and I know I could, I know it is up to me, I'm just not ready.
When you are ready, you will get there. Like you said, you have all your "ducks in a row" and you just need to take the steps to do it. We are here for you, and will be here for you if you stay, if you go, when you are wavering, etc. Stay strong, you can do it!!!!