Need your opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Need your opinions
8
Thu, 04-28-2011 - 11:44am

As I type this, I hear everyone saying that I should not have contacted him. Let me say though, that things had stalled & the lawyers weren't as aggressive as I needed them to be. And I can't afford to change attorneys now. Anyway, the conversation went okay.

Here is the thing. He says that he sees that he can be a better person now. I asked him why now when I had to leave and spent this money? He says he doesn't know. I reminded him of the times that I begged him to stop doing something or asked him why things were like they were or point blank told him that I was unhappy. He said he didn't realize it was that bad. I said me sobbing to the point of getting sick didn't seem bad. Nothing, no answer.

He knows I am going to counseling and wanted to know if it is helping. I told him that it was helping me and that my counselor would not see him because of the situation. I even threw in the words "emotional abuse" and did not get a response from him. He wants to go to counseling now either apart or together to work on things. Now he wants to go. Before he didn't even want me to go, because he didn't want others to know our problems.

He said that he didn't have a problem. But, then he said that if there was a problem it was that he loved me too much. He said it is possible to love someone too much. He didn't want to get a call saying that I was dead. He said that. He said that he could not face the idea of losing me. Should I be scared? He also said that he use to wake up at night and watch me sleep to make sure I was okay.

Oh, there is so much I could say, but I have to go. Please post some replies. You are good people and have helped me work through this. Let me add, that I don't have the same feelings for him as I once did. I know I could not be a wife to him, but the guilt and wondering bothers me some. Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 04-28-2011 - 12:07pm

I am so sorry you are gong through this!

I too got the "I can be a better person now" schpele - AFTER I had already broken up with my ex and asked im to leave.

I learned something while in thearpy - it should not take until you are DONE with the relationship for the other person to finally get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 04-28-2011 - 1:26pm

Oh he is laying it on really good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 04-28-2011 - 1:31pm

Hi;

All I can say is Dear. Lord.. This is so typical of abusers and control freaks.

All I see is DANGER DANGER WARNING WARNING.. DONT BELIEVE IT.

WHEN MY EX STARTED HIS HORRIFIC VERBAL ABUSE TO ME THE SPIT WOULD JUST COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND SPIT ALL OVER ME.. THAT WAS ON A GOOD DAY.

ON A BAD DAY WHEN HE WAS MAD AT THE CABLE PEOPLE HE WOULD START SCREAMING AT ME ABOUT IT AND THEN HE WOULD SEND A CHAIR OR COUCH FLYING AT ME.

EVERYTIME AN EIPISODE LIKE THIS HAPPENED I WOULD LEAVE THE HOUSE AND GO TO A HOTEL. EX WOULD THEN FOLLOW ME AND FIND ME AT THE HOTEL AND BEG ME GO COME BACK HOME. I WENT BACK HOME EVERYTIME AND THEN THE ABUSE CYCLE WOULD START AGAIN. I WAS NOW IN THE CYCLE OF ABUSE.

AT TIMES EX WOULD SMASH WALLS AND TEAR

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Thu, 04-28-2011 - 4:00pm

You are so good to listen to. I hope you realize how much you have helped me and I know numerous others.

My therapist had me read the Lundy Bancroft book - Why Does He Do That. It was like I was reading my life written down....very scary and hard to believe that this occurred to other people. I had nightmares for two days.

I just got back from my counselor and he agrees. He said that it is as though he has a checklist and he is telling me what I want to hear and checking it off as he goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Thu, 04-28-2011 - 4:05pm

Thank you so much, Freeatlast. Mine never was "abusive" (ha ha) as far as throwing things or hitting me. I am so sorry you went through that. It hurts all the same, I think.

I know he isn't going to change and if he did it would take years. Years that I don't have. I have given him 15 years and I deserve to be happy now. (This is what I have to keep telling myself now).

Thanks so much and keeping the prayers coming.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Thu, 04-28-2011 - 4:08pm

Wishful78,

I know you are correct. It is like he has a checklist and he is checking away. It is hard to believe that someone you love would actually treat you this way. I thought this was "normal". It is all I have ever known.

Thank you for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 04-29-2011 - 12:55am

Reading that post makes me want to throw up!

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-29-2011 - 9:08pm

It gets to a point that it does not matter if they change our feelings change and no matter what they do or say we no longer want to be with the. I reached that point while still with my ex husband. I hope you can get to that point and are able to realize he is saying what ever he thinks will get you back but even if what he was saying is true it doesn't matter because you never want to be with him no matter he says or does!!

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