Nervous About Court

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Nervous About Court
6
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:06pm

Feeling my heart racing because I'm nervous about dh getting out on bond. His mother has started a mission to "make things go away." At first I dismissed it thinking that it doesn't matter what she thinks or says, he will get convicted. Now though I'm not so sure. She has powerfull relative in the courts.

I'm mad that she would essentially treat me as if this is my fault. And the worst part is she is doing this for selfish reasons. She started watching my two little ones since I couldn't afford the babysitter. But now she can't handle it and wants dh out to work so she won't have to watch them anymore. Like he ever used his money for good and not just for drinking. I'm so mad thinking about how wrong she is.

"Just go away," she said. Has it ever just gone away. She's doing all the foot work and they are trying to get the bond lowered. There will be a no contact order in place, but still I think he needs to stay in jail. So he can "think about what he's done."

I'm afraid. But of what, I ask myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 8:40pm
loony, I hope you don't mind my saying it, I think that you should consider whether it is time to talk to a divorce attorney. Pray on it, please do think about it. Your husband has broken his vows to care for you as a husband, to do what is best for you and for the marriage. He is not living the life of a married man, he is pursuing his own desires, just his, alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 1:18am

Bunny, I've heard/read of your belief and faith. I think we are quite similar in our desire to put Christ in the centre of our lives. I am in the midst of preparing for my trial right now and it's very tempting for me to go over board trying to design and control the outcome. I keep having to remind myself that I must only do the next right thing and God will open or close the doors as he sees fit. His will is done when I give up the reigns.

IMHO your comment "still I think he needs to stay in jail. So he can "think about what he's done." sound as though you may be focusing on *your* desired outcome - him realizing the thing that would be the best for what you want. That may not be God's plan. In reality he needs to stay in jail because he broke the law!

You must let him go. Trust your life to God and continue on the path you have chosen. If God sees fit to bring about change in your H then it surely will happen no matter what you do or do not do. You are required to put God before anything or anyone and do what he asks of you. Take care of yourself as his Holy spirit's temple and cherish your children, the gifts of His little citizens that he's allowing and expecting you to raise.

After doing, stand.......Stand and wait on God. Here's my prayer: Thy will be done.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 11:25pm

I am sorry to jump in on this discussion as a complete "unknown" to you. The truth is, I lurk on these boards because because I have a couple of friends who are in emotionally abusive, possibly physically as well, marriages, and I read the messages here in hopes of finding advice for them; also to more clearly understand what my friends deal with and why it's so hard for them to leave. I have learned a lot, and gained much understanding.

So, I have read your posts here and on other boards... and right now, I feel compelled to write something to you, and ask you to consider what I have to say. Also, understand that this post contains my own beliefs, and I don't presume to force them on anyone else.

I know from your previous posts what your beliefs are about marriage and about not giving up on your husband. I understand that. But I would ask you to consider something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about over the years.

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. I think it has to do with lessons we need to learn about ourselves and what we need to grow into stronger, better people. I believe in the end, it is all according to God's plan. People come into our lives for a reason, and they GO OUT of our lives for a reason as well.

I can say that in my life, I have not been a very good person at times. I have been self-absorbed, irresponsible, unreliable, childish, hurtful in word and action... all of it. And I have a few close friends who have stuck with me as I matured, and I am grateful for them. But they are not the reason that I have matured and changed my ways. The people who had the most influence on my desire to change my life are the ones who walked away. The ones who refused to put up with my behavior any more. The ones I lost and the ones who left me heartbroken.

The friends who stuck with me generally enabled my bad behavior - they helped me justify it, you know? They'd tell me I was justified in doing or saying what I did, and so it was easy to continue. But the ones who left taught me a different lesson.

These were people who I loved, and who cared for me. Friends, boyfriends.. I don't know when I started trying to figure out why this was happening to me, but I eventually did. And when I realized I did not want to lose people anymore, I started working on changing my behavior. I want to keep the friends I have, and the new ones I make, and I want to be the kind of person who people want to remain with - not out of duty, but out of love.

I would not have come to this point if a few people who meant the world to me had not jarred me into realizing what I was doing. They did it by saying, "no more" and walking away. And they were right to do so. They came into my life for a reason, and they LEFT my life for a reason. To teach me, and to help me grow. And I believe this is exactly what God wanted to happen.

I can't say that if you leave your husband, that will spur him to change. I realize that this situation is more extreme than what I have described. But I also believe the theory applies, and it might be a small first step. If you continue to put up with someone's harmful behavior, they will never have a reason to change it. God might want to use you in a different way than you think - and that's just my opinion here, based on my own experiences.

It takes strength to walk away from someone you love, someone you want to help. But from what I've read, you have been walking this path with this man for a very long time. Your efforts to help him do not seem to be working. That is not failure on your part, because only *he* can make a change if he wants to. Sometimes, if we won't make changes of our own volition, God will force them on us, for our own good. And that can be in the form of someone leaving.

If you choose to walk away, I believe that God will help you and give the strength to do so. Think about whether returning yourself and your children to the same situation over and over is helping this man change, or helping him stay the same. Please just think about it.

I'm sorry for intruding...

- Gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 8:03am

Dearest looneybunny

I second what rosemile said; maybe it is best for you and your children if you concidered divorce. It sounds like the slim chance that he might change is just too slim.

It would be a shame if you let religious guilt allow any damage to happen in the upbringing of your children, and your own wellness. You deserve happiness and you have a right to choose your destiny. "God helps those who help themselves". To me, that means that we also have a responibility to move our lives in the direction that we feel is best.

I don't believe that you are going against your, or anyones, God by changing your mind and leaving a man that has broken his vows to you. You still have a choice and the perfect right to choose a path that will bring you and your children peace -- seize it.

Hugs to you and your children, never forget to respect yourself too :)

And Gina, if you're reading this I just want to tell you that I thought that was a great post! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 9:41am

Hello Susan,

I see what you are saying and you are right. I prayed this morning asking God to forgive me for my lack of trust in Him. I've been worrying. Feeling like I had to take back control. And that would be wrong. God is in control. And thank God that He is in control.

Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 10:07am

Hi Gina and everyone,

I truly appreciate your post. I have thought about divorce. And I am afraid. Afraid that God won't take care of me. I've been divorced once already and it was devistating. The circumstances were different, but still. Things didn't happen like I thought. I thought I could do better. I'll just find someone else. Well, the whole divorce went nothing like I planned and I lost everything. My two children from that marriage are still scarred. It took at least 2 years before the divorce was final and another year to get my life back together.

I'm afraid of divorce. It's expensive. It's lonely. People will judge me. Perhaps I need to get back into therapy.

However, now that I've uncovered my fear, I can start giving it over to God. And finding new strength. One day at a time....

Thanks Everyone.