Nervous Wreck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Nervous Wreck!
2
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 11:45am

So I went and saw my counselor yesterday and it was very helpful. She basically said I have to set boundaries right now -which I already knew. So today I packed a bag and brought it with me to work. I left my boyfriend a note telling him I don't feel safe and that I will more than likely be staying at a hotel. I also told him that we need to talk but I need to feel safe and protected when we do.

DID I JUST MAKE A HUGE MISTAKE?!?!?!

I am having 2nd thoughts about that note and I just cannot even concentrate at work right now and I am shaking (could be because it's REALLY cold in here too - but I also know it's from nerves) because I know he's off work and should be home and reading the note within a half hour to an hour!!!!!!! I am scared of his response. I am scared for him to tell me to leave him alone and to go to hell. I am scared of him being angry. I am scared of him being apologetic too!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!

I love him so much and I just want things to work out. I want him to WANT to get help and what sucks is I know I can't make him and it MUST come from him!!!!!! :( His counselor probably has NO CLUE about how angry he can be and I just wish I could tell his counselor. But...I can't...and I won't. It HAS to come from him!

Sorry to be rambling and jumbled - I am just sooooo nervous right now! Should I have just gotten a hotel and not written the note?!?!? Did I just make a HUGE mistake?!? I am not fearful of him coming down to a hotel (and I don't even have one yet) to yell or whatever - I know him well enough to know he wouldn't do that - but I am just nervous of his reaction! :(

UGH! Was it scary for any of you when you first started standing up for yourself and setting boundaries?!?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 3:00pm
I think you have done everything just fine but you need to take a deep breath and calm some of those nerves...actually take three deep breaths, thats usually what it takes for me! First of all, good for you for taking a stand, taking that first step towards not taking any more crap is hard and can be scary. I remember setting out for my xh what I would and would not accept from him and i was petrified for many reasons...I was scared of his reaction for sure but I thnik part of me was also scared becasue I knew somewhere in my mind and heart that it was useless because he would never respect my boundaries. I was right. He never did and I left. Actually, your post struck a chord in me becasue I remember worrying about the note I left, thinking, "oh, he is reading it right now". HOwever, I had taken time off work and was staying in a DV shelter which was (believe it or not) 3 houses from my house that I left adn I saw him come home adn walk into the house! It will pass, I was numb wiht fear but each day got brighter, easier, the fear faded, the pain ebbed adn I began to actually "feel" again adn it was wonderful. That was two years ago.
You are doing the right thing, but that doesnt mean doing the right thing is easy but it is most definately worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 8:49pm

Hey Wings! Just thought I would swing by from the DANB board to see how your session went. You did do the right thing. The nervousness is normal, we've all been thru it. However, in order for you to "truly" heal, is to not go back to him. I know, I know,...easier said than done. But hear me out, this is why we constantly indicate the NO CONTACT, it's critical when it comes down to the healing process for the victim. The more you are away from him, the better. All of us on the DANB board have been in your shoes and we got out of it. I won't tell you it will be easy, but if you continue with your sessions and continue with the NO CONTACT, it will get better in time, trust. As I said, all of us on the DANB board have been thru what you are currently going thru, we all left and living a life free from abuse, and so can you. And as always, you are more than welcome to stop by the board anytime, the link is in my sigline.

Also, I went into the archives and dug up the "Book Recomendations" link I posted a while back and I think some of these books will help you. One we like to recomend is the one by Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that? Inside the mind of the anry & controlling abuser". Here is the link, read it on your breaks, read when you have alone time. And feel free to stop by your local library to see if they have any of these available for check out.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=24929.1

5yrssm