new and absolutely lost :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2005
new and absolutely lost :(
3
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 11:30pm

I think I remember posting on here for the first time over 4 years ago. I was pregnant and my husband sort of pushed my head during an argument. He was always really good to me, always nice when he wasn't angry. Someone responded quickly and told me he definitely was abusive and to get out quick. I was in denial and never came back on here to post.

Now I'm back because I have absolutely no where to go with this. My husband is still very generous to me, we are not rich but I am a SAHM and he provides everything. He is still usually very good to me as far as providing, and he absolutely LOVES our daughter. But when he is angry, he snaps and it is so awful. What makes me so sick to my stomach is that I KNEW he would always be like this from when we were dating. But then I didn't care because I had a situation I needed to get out of.
All in all things could be a whole lot worse; he hasn't ever 'hit' me, but he has been physical. For instance this evening he grabbed me hard by the cheeks and pinned me to the wall with our 3 yr watching and terrified. Things like this do not happen often at all. In our 6 1/2 years of marriage he has probably laid a finger on me 5 times. I married him at age 19. Now I will be 26 and realize it has been 5 times too many. I have a bachelors in Psychology and have some knowledge about this sort of thing, so you'd think this would easy!
So what is my problem? Well for one thing I have been a SAHM since the birth of my dd. Before then I was in school. The only job experience I had was as a daycare worker. Two years ago, after a HUGE argument (and pushing on his part) I got all my stuff together and applied to a Masters program in school psychology. I KNEW I had to do something to give me financial stability so I would be able to make something out of myself, and leave if needed. They called me in for an interviewe and I completely blew it (I have major anxiety issues). I then recieved the rejection letter and was completely and utterly devestated. Since then I have been applying for jobs nonstop to get experience. I have only been called in for ONE interview, and of course got another rejection letter. No one wants a SAHM with no experience.
Today my husband told me that "if I'm not happy then to get the F out" I am not happy. I would be if he appreciated me as a person and felt remorse for his words and actions, and would be more understanding. I am not perfect but that doesn't mean I should get verbally and physically punished for it. But if I leave I have no where to go. I have no money for a lawyer, and yeah if I get to keep the house and car I have no way of paying for it. I married him to leave my parents. My parents are good people in general but we cannot coexist in the same house, so I cannot move back home-- my parents were very controlling and did not allow me to be a normal human being. As for friends, I have none. I have burned bridges with everyone from my past... they now hate me all and would love to hear of my demise. I am so sad because I only get one life to live and I am spending every second feeling like a failure and not treated as I think a wife (or person for the matter) should be treated. I can't remember the last time he has told me I was beautiful. I don't think he's ever given any value to my feelings or opinion. He just doesn't care for emotional and "pyschological crap" as he puts it.

OH and here is the kicker. We saw a fertility specialist for our dd, and have been seeing one for 2 years to try for baby number 2. We have had numerous fairly invasive procedures done, and he will be going in for surgery to correct his problem (that was finally diagnosed) on Dec 22. So while he has some major anger management problems, for some reason I feel indebted to him for doing this surgery so we can give our dd a sibling. But I keep thinking that maybe the reason why we are having such a hard time having children is b/c we need to just give this up already. But that is a whole other story.

Although I know in my head AND heart what needs to be done I don't think it is possible. The community I live in, the talk of relatives (I come from a Muslim family and that makes the whole situation a thousand times more complex), and most importantly the financial situation will not allow for it. Plus my daughter absolutely LOVES daddy and our family time.... and life isn't so bad when he isn't angry...

Sorry for the ramble, I just need a place to get it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 9:50am

Welcome back, belle.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 3:59pm

Thank you for being here. I truly appreciate it. Thank you for the info and link, I will check into it.

I emailed a local shelter last night and have yet to hear a response. I didn't want to call the hotline b/c I figure my situation isn't very serious... I wouldn't want to tie up the hotline for those who are in serious danger. I am just pretty upset that I didn't get a response yet.
The whole religion thing is not really a matter of religion for me but more of a what is wrong/right blah blah sort of thing for my community and family. I don't even consider myself Muslim... was born into a Muslim family but not what I am into at all. But that is another thing I choose not to discuss much with my family. I am also terrified of becoming the gossip of the family/city. Not that divorce is uncommon but I just dont want to give anyone a reason to talk about me... esp with all my burned bridges... It's so hard to explain, you would have to live in my community to understand this.

I have been so deep in thought today, I wrote him a letter but I probably won't give it to him until I am ready to leave. We are not speaking at all at the moment. He honestly doesn't think he did anything wrong. I haven't even asked yet but I know him very well. Last time this happened I had to force an apology out of him.
He came home early from work and I can't stand having him in the same house now. I just wish he would cheat on me or move out himself and just keep financially supporting me. Sorry I probably sound like a nut case. But I feel so torn because we do have some really happy times, esp w/ our daughter. I can call myself depressed but I am most happy when we are all together and playing and having a good time. My daughter adores him, and he does her. He definitely treats her better than he treats me most of the time. Who knows, maybe I am just a super bitch. But all the infertility treatments we went through.. all the extra hormones that made me so irritable and crazy... he just doesn't understand that there is a uncontrollable reason to my bitchiness. He never lashed out on me while on those meds but he wasn't Mr. sensitive either.

You are 100% right about having another baby. I want another so badly, I just wish things were normal.. I mean things are normal most of the time. In fact almost always. It's just those once or twice a year sort of outbursts that I know shouldn't be happening at all. The worst thing about this is not anything he may say to me or do to me, but having my baby exposed to it. I wish there was a way for him to understand the consequences of his anger. He is truly a good person.... I hate to stick up for him but he will help anyone in need and do anything for our daughter. He rarely gets angry with her and she can be a handful! The problem is he does not respect me or treat me as his equal (since HE pays the bills) and his anger management in general.

UGH this is just so hard. I wish I could find a counselor or someone just to talk to. I wish I could get answers but most importantly I need an impartial, trained ear. I keep on going back and forth in my mind... I know if things get completely unbearable I will have to move to my parents house. I do see that day coming but I don't know when. But I love my home so much, I love my kitchen, my bed, my daughters room, the family room that she plays and has so much fun in... everything about it. I do not do well with change. I am in a huge comfort zone here and I'd hate to lose that. I do know that the liberation will make up for a lot but I would need to be able to support myself to keep my house or at least have a car to drive and phone to use. I just recieved yet another job app rejection in the mail today. I wish someone would give me a chance. I hate being a failure. I need to be a person again.

R

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 9:05am

Call the hotline! He grabbed you by the cheeks and pinned you to the wall with your terrified child watching! That IS serious. Call the hotline, and you'll have someone to talk with right then and there.

I know it's easier said than done, but you must stop worrying about what other people are going to think. First, they don't live your life. YOU do! Second, you can't read their minds. People usually aren't thinking as much about your life as you think they are. So give yourself a break here and concentrate on doing what's best for you and your child.