New and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
New and confused
4
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 2:22pm

A little background. Have been married for 11 years, have a 6 year old daughter. My husband has always been very respectful of women and of me and our daughter. He is a very intelligent man, he has a good job, I have a good job, our finances are fine and we are the all around great couple. Until last night! I have been complaining to my husband for a while that his temper has gotten worse over the years. He had never even raised his voice to me until about 2 years ago, since then it has progressed to "out voicing" me (yelling louder than I could possibly go), then a few months ago he threw a book and a calendar at me. He said he tossed them and that he was aiming for the bed. I told him that I was sitting on the bed and that his aim sucked!! He apoligized and said that he was sorry that it had hit me. I once again told him that he temper was getting worse and that was the end of it. Well last night we went shopping with our daughter and I was driving since I knew the area better than he did. I pulled out of the parking lot and apparently into the path of an oncoming car that had to slam its breaks on and blow the horn. I never saw the car coming, blind spot maybe, I don't know. My husband freaked out. He started screaming at me then began hitting me over and over again on my upper arm (btw, he is a BIG guy). I was trying to drive and defend myself. Somehow I got hit in the face, right on the cheek bone. I pulled into a gas station parking lot (he was screaming for me to pull over, that I was going to get us all killed, that I was unable to drive our daughter around, etc.) I got out of the drivers side and got into the back seat because I wanted to be as far away from him as possible. I was crying pretty badly and our daughter reached her hand up and stroked my face. That is when I realized how bad my face hurt. That made me cry even worse. He HIT ME!!! My husband of 11 years actually HIT ME!! He started driving to a restaurant because our daughter was hungry. I refused to leave the van and he leaned in the back and asked me to get out of the van (he said it nicely). I was about an inch from his face when I screamed at him that he had hit me. I just started saying it over and over again "You hit me, you actually hit me, you hit me in the face." He was just stunned. He didn't seem to realize that he had hit me that hard or that one of his blows connected with my face. He was crushed. He appoligized over and over again and wanted to make sure that I knew that he never meant to do it. I looked at him and said "You promised you would never hit me, and you just did." We rode home in silence and once we got there he got me an ice pack for my face. He looked at the mark and said "I can't believe I did that to you." He got the kid ready for bed and read to her and put her to bed. I am just so stunned. He seems very remorseful and stated that he was scared to death that our marriage was over and that I would leave him. We went to bed and this morning talked a bit more. He told me that he loved me very much and I told him that I loved him but that this was far from over and that it is just going to take time for things to get back to normal. Right now he is walking on egg shells and I am very angry, confused, stunned, bitter, you name it.

So now what??????????????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 3:55pm

Now what?

COUNSELLING...NOW. That is the best thing I can recommend. Your daughter is the most important thing here. Get into family counselling. If your husband is truly remorseful, then he will go, and you need to go, before it gets worse. I know that right now it probably feels like it could never get worse, but believe me, it can. You probably think that he's so remorseful that it could never possibly happen again. Think again. Without counselling and intervention, it will get worse.

After what I went through with my ex, I would have packed my bags last night and left with my daughter, but I also know that is really hard to do, especially after 11 years. But think about it this way, this is the person that is supposed to love you more than anything in the world, and is supposed to protect you from harm, and he struck you. He needs help. And your daughter will too. Especially being that she is a witness. My son was 6 when he took a plastic rake and hit his dad with it to try to stop him from strangling me to death. After that, he (my son) was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and ended up on an anti-psychotic, two years of extensive counselling and is still having trouble in social settings. He's almost ten now.

You can't just let it go. You have got to have enough respect for yourself to NOT let it go. And if your husband loves you, he'll want to do everything that he can to make sure that this never ever happens again. Right?

Good Luck!
Sarah

My SignaturePhotobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 9:03pm

Welcome, Sarah.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 9:24am

HE risked you and your daughter's lives by hitting you while you were driving. That's horrible behavior. How many of his tantrums has your daughter witnessed? This is EXTREMELY damaging to a child!

I recommend separate counseling for yourself and your daughter, and your husband needs to see a counselor for his abuse problem. He does NOT have an anger management problem. He has an ABUSE problem. I tried couples counseling with my abusive husband, and it didn't work because he manipulated the sessions, and things were always awful on the drive home.

Your marriage vows are important and sacred, but he's broken the vows by endangering your lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 11:17am

Hi Sarah -


Gonna and Stoon said it best.

CL-Blueliner4