new and confused
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new and confused
| Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:03am |
I tried posting earlier but it didn't seem to work.
I have reached the point where i just need a space to vent. Whether anyone hears me is beside the point - just writingit down may help me.
My husband & I have known each other a long time. We have been married 6.5 yrs. We come from similar backgrounds and religious afiliation. That is where our similarities end. I grew up with a supportive, loving, close family. My husband came from a home where the father drank, yelled and was never present in his childrens' lives. He is however a loving, thoughtful intelligent man, who can't see the forest for the trees.
Since we have been married his childhood has infected his personality - meaning his only example has been yelling and total disregard for controlling himself when things get a bit hairy. He can fly off the handle at anything - the dog, not being able to find his sweater (bc. I moved it of course). This is followed by swearing that would make a trucker blush.
He has smoked pot since he was a teenager and tried numerous times to quit. I on this point have always been very naive when he says he is trying to quit and just give him the "thumbs up" and leave hime to it - since I never did any drugs and he quit smoking cold turkey, I always figure he'll stop. Weeks later I realize he is bold face lying to me about it. When I confront him, he is remorseful and pledges to get help.
We now have a 10 month old and recently bought our 1st house. All of this seems to wear on him more and more... he wanted the baby to "change" him. When it wasn't the magic pill he was looking for, nothing changed. He swears regardless if the baby is present or not.
I have tried to be a loving wife and friend to him, although through the pregnancy and 1st yr. it has been exhausting and hard.
He has never hit me - but he has hit his head against the wall and such over the yrs.
When I am angry at him, it is my fault - my emotions are misguided and I just wasn't thinking. I am a fairly open, easy going person and most things do not bother me.... that has worked against me lo these yrs. as I now have little confidence in myself or abilities. I have supplemented the inability to verbalize my own displeasure over the yrs. with shopping and food. Not a good combo.
I don't know exactly what all of this is - but I do know the person he is hurting most is himself. He wants to get help, but is "afraid" - I was afraid too when I was suffering from depression, but he knows it helped. If he won't get help, I am reaching out through my computer to help myself.
I have reached the point where i just need a space to vent. Whether anyone hears me is beside the point - just writingit down may help me.
My husband & I have known each other a long time. We have been married 6.5 yrs. We come from similar backgrounds and religious afiliation. That is where our similarities end. I grew up with a supportive, loving, close family. My husband came from a home where the father drank, yelled and was never present in his childrens' lives. He is however a loving, thoughtful intelligent man, who can't see the forest for the trees.
Since we have been married his childhood has infected his personality - meaning his only example has been yelling and total disregard for controlling himself when things get a bit hairy. He can fly off the handle at anything - the dog, not being able to find his sweater (bc. I moved it of course). This is followed by swearing that would make a trucker blush.
He has smoked pot since he was a teenager and tried numerous times to quit. I on this point have always been very naive when he says he is trying to quit and just give him the "thumbs up" and leave hime to it - since I never did any drugs and he quit smoking cold turkey, I always figure he'll stop. Weeks later I realize he is bold face lying to me about it. When I confront him, he is remorseful and pledges to get help.
We now have a 10 month old and recently bought our 1st house. All of this seems to wear on him more and more... he wanted the baby to "change" him. When it wasn't the magic pill he was looking for, nothing changed. He swears regardless if the baby is present or not.
I have tried to be a loving wife and friend to him, although through the pregnancy and 1st yr. it has been exhausting and hard.
He has never hit me - but he has hit his head against the wall and such over the yrs.
When I am angry at him, it is my fault - my emotions are misguided and I just wasn't thinking. I am a fairly open, easy going person and most things do not bother me.... that has worked against me lo these yrs. as I now have little confidence in myself or abilities. I have supplemented the inability to verbalize my own displeasure over the yrs. with shopping and food. Not a good combo.
I don't know exactly what all of this is - but I do know the person he is hurting most is himself. He wants to get help, but is "afraid" - I was afraid too when I was suffering from depression, but he knows it helped. If he won't get help, I am reaching out through my computer to help myself.

He is primarily concerned with himself. You and your baby's needs are never going to be as important as his every whim and want and feelings. Also, he probably really wanted the baby to make it harder for you to leave him. As bad as that sounds, this is something many abusive men do. I doubt he ever intended to truly choose to change because of a baby. Your decision with this guy is to either accept him as he is or leave. This is his character. He's immature, irresponsble, and selfish. That's a major part of who he developed as. He isn't going to change because he doesn't want to and deep selfishness such as this is rarely overcome when people are adults. If he really wanted to get help, he would. His claims of being "afraid" are crap. His behavior doesn't cause him too much pain other than your complaining about it. It gets him what he wants - primarily his way. Most women spend a lot of time trying to "change" their partners, some spend their whole lives doing it. But they ALWAYS fail. Because the only one who has the power to change him is him. Not you. Not a baby. No one other than him. All we can do is ask them to change. And they can say yes or no. Your husband says yes with his words and no with his actions. Actions are what matters. The words are just to appease you and keep on doing what he wants. The actions tell you what he's really thinking and wanting to do. The best thing you can do is start focusing on yourself and your baby and what you two need. You are the only one in the marriage who truly cares about that. Your husband cares primarily about himself.
Welcome, avalon.