New and Need Advice

Avatar for macgyver17
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
New and Need Advice
3
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 10:04am
After what I saw last night, I honestly don’t know why I am staying married anymore. My head tells me what I should do and my heart says another. My DH and I have been married almost 3 years and have a 7-month-old son. This is my 1st marriage and his 2nd. In 2004, I saw a side of my husband I never knew existed (anger), and then I never saw it again until the beginning of this year. My DH (43) has a lot of anger built up inside regarding his childhood. His parents are both deceased and he has an older brother who is not much better that he made the decision to no longer talk to and an older sister. It seems ever since our son has been born my DH’s attitude towards life has gone downhill. I personally think he is somewhat depressed, but refuses to get help. Since September, once a month I have seen a side to him that scares me. While on vacation in Sept. he copped an attitude about something, got mad at me, made a scene in a parking lot, then opened the car door while I was driving in town getting out of the car..only to wander back to the condo we were staying 6 hours later and this was only the 1st day!
Then last night, he decided to re-arrange the furniture in our house and sometimes when he does this I frustrates me b/c he just does it and doesn’t consult me, so when I got home from work I came home to this and got a little tude myself, which eventually set him off to the point of violently yelling at me while holding our son and telling me to get out of his face before he does something. While he has never hit me, obviously the situation last night scared me especially while holding our son. I know spouses fight and it every one is different and it sometimes can get a little messy, but something was just telling me inside the fire I saw in his eyes was not right. I realized that I was wrong and I apologized for hurting his feelings, but still his yelling at me the way he did was wrong Am I stupid to stay?
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 2:42pm
Hi Mac, I understand what you mean about that "LOOK in the eye" thing. Even though I’m not in an abusive relationship now I was for 10 years many years ago. My first husband and the father of my children (which are adults now) would yell at me for absolutely no reason. That's how it all started and with-in a three-year period the yelling went to hitting, kicking and stomping me. I tolerated this behavior for ten long years mostly because of family pressure. I saw and still see how the yelling and violence affected my children. To this day I wish I'd got out sooner. Anyway, to make a long story short. After me and my h got our divorce I moved to California. We were divorced in 1986, I moved in 1988. Anyway, one afternoon in 1993, I received a call from my ex-mother in-law that D (my ex) was dead. He shot his 24-year-old GF because she wanted to date other people and 4 hours later he turned the gun on himself. Even his mother says to me that it would have been me and my kids if I had of stayed. Trust me, D was a good man, with a kind heart but he had some inner demons that he couldn’t control. Good luck to you and please try not to let your child see or hear the violence. My children are adults now with children of their own but the memories still effect them in every way, especially my oldest son. NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 10:37am

Your post NMR has blessed me!! i'm so sorry you went through 10 yrs of a bad marriage. But to hear how your decision to leave possibly saved your life. WOW! That's quite a story. Keep telling your story. I'm sure you will in turn save many other lives!!

One of my motivaters to leave and stay gone is my children. I was blessed last year to hear stories from women who stayed and the consequences it had on their children. My stbx also has many anger/depressed issues regarding his childhood. When I first heard them, I thought I would be the woman who could restore his faith in love. Save him!! Boy, what a trap I set for myself. I had to let go and realize I cannot save anyone, and can only live a godly life and let God do the rest. And finally realized I had a responsibility to my children to ensure they didn't grow up in a violent environment. A good book to read is "Boundaries" by Henry Townsend (i think). This book helped me see the stuff I was in control of and brought healing for me. And it also showed what I was not responsible for and the boundaries I needed to set with stbx (and children, coworkers, friends, etc). The more I learned about my identity, where I end and someone else begins, the easier it became to make wise decisions for my children and me. I'm not sure if I've been helpful, macgyver17, but you've taken the first step by asking questions. I pray you will find the answers on this board, in books, or in prayers. In Jesus Name.

Love,
Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 12:34pm

(((Hugs)))


Like many other women, my main motivation to leave was my children. My two sons were 3 and 20 months and I was pregnant with #3. Things had only gotten physical with STBX a couple of times. However, I'd grown up in an abusive family, I saw my mother get hit, my father threw things at us kids and her. Once he choked her into unconsciousness. It wasn't always this bad, it just got worse and worse as time went on. It effects me in so many ways. My father is one of the 1% of abusers who've actually made an effort to change. He's worked very hard and has changed in many ways and I'm finally starting to have a relationship with him. Even so, I'm now 25-years-old with

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