New and in need of help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
New and in need of help
3
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 11:41pm

My name is Marita I am 27 years old and divorced for 6 months, with 2 little girls, ages 3 and 5, and a 10 year old son. I left my husband just over a year ago. We were married for 8 years. I know that I am very lucky in that he wasn't the type to stalk me or threaten my life, he just told me almost every single day that I could not make it without him and if I tried the kids would hate me. And of course he made the divorce a nightmare for me, although near the end it became reasonably peaceful, after he realized I wouldn't give in to his ridiculous demands (like 50/50 custody of the kids). He never physically hurt the girls, but he did shove my son several times and actually struck him a couple of times when my son tried to defend me. Nevertheless, the judge decided that he wasn't a danger to them and my ex ended up getting visitation every weekend after a 60 day separation. I have to say he's been more civil than I ever expected (i.e. he hasn't directly threatened me), but I get more nervous and more sick to my stomach every time I have to see him to drop the kids off. My daughters love him; they understand that he hurt me, but I don't think they really "understand", know what I mean? My son, obviously, is fully aware of what happened and doesn't get along with his father, but he goes along with it for the girls' sake.
I've been having nightmares. I didn't have them at first, not until the visitation started. Sometimes I don't even remember what happens in them, I just wake up shaking and crying. The one I remember the most is the dream I have about the razor strop my ex-husband had. We had this one room in the house that was decorated with everything antique. It had a wooden office desk from sometime in the 1940's, complete with a WWII-era typewriter. In one corner there was an old barbershop chair and the razor strop hung behind it. No one who saw it would have suspected it was for anything but decoration. He never just lost his temper and whacked me with it--his hands seemed to be enough for those situations. It sounds crazy, but at times when I would notice that he was fuming about something, I'd purposely try to set him off, because then at least it was over quickly, and he'd apologize later and things would be good for a while. He only took razor strop down whenever he thought I needed to "learn a lesson", which for some reason seemed to happen more and more the longer we were married. Sometimes it was just because I had been "acting high and mighty", like when I got a raise and was apparently too happy about it. I doubt I'll ever be able to put into words the level of fear it drove in me. I didn't even enter the room where it hung unless I absolutely had too. He left welts on me so bad that there were times I could not work for several days after. He rarely hit me in the face or anywhere that was likely to be seen by the outside world during that particular season. I spent my days trying to figure out ways to please him, thinking it would stop if only I could make him happier. I thought it was me, that I had to be doing something wrong, and everything would be different if I could only figure out what that something was. Of course I did finally realize what it was--it was assuming that I was the one doing something wrong.

I started counseling a couple of months ago, but it just didn't seem like it was working. The woman supposedly specialized in domestic violence, but she has been married to her high school sweetheart for 30 years, and has never been abused, so what the hell does she know? I haven't looked for another counselor yet.

So anyway, where I was meaning to go with this--a good friend of mine started seeing someone 7 months ago, and I see everything in this guy that I saw in my ex-husband. It is early in their relationship and I know love is blind and all that, but I just have a sick feeling about him. I have not seen her without him right next to her in 5 months. I ask her to go out and have dinner and she either says she is busy or asks if he can come along. She doesn't dress up anymore; she's almost always in jeans and a baggy sweatshirt--now, jeans were always normal for me, but she was always a girly girl, in make-up and nice skirts and heels. And she called me a few months ago crying saying they had gotten into a fight and he had called her some really terrible names that I won't quote here. I always say yes to her boyfriend coming out with us because I don't want to alienate her, although I confess that I have made up excuses a couple of times to cancel at the last moment to avoid seeing him. He seems like a good guy at first--he's outgoing and funny and engaging, but the moment someone says the smallest thing wrong, even a lighthearted wisecrack at his expense, his smile goes away and he gets this fire in his eyes and becomes very quiet. I suppose most women would label the guy a jerk and leave it at that, but I've seen that fire before and it scares the hell out of me. I sent her an e-mail telling her what I think, and she tells me that she totally understands why, but that I am just being overcautious because of what happened in my marriage. And she tells me that she is not in high school like I was, she is almost 30 years old and says that she knows what she is doing. Maybe she is a lot wiser than I was and I never trusted my instincts before but right now they are screaming at me that my friend is in a bad situation. And I've been there! Why won't she listen to me? I am so frustrated. I have told my brother about this and he tells me that I should just stay out of it, that I am not in a position to help her because I'm just trying to get my own life back together. I reminded him that it if no one (a coworker) had intervened in my case I would probably still be married to my ex. My brother's response? Offering to beat my friend's boyfriend up...I do love my brother but he doesn't have the best judgement. sigh..

Anyway, I suppose I've taken up enough space on this board for one post.:) Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 8:12pm
Hi Marita...welcome to the board. I think that for now, you've done just about all you can. You've let her know that you're concerned. You could also let her know that if she ever wants to talk, that you'll be there to listen nonjudgmentally. I can tell you that age really has little to do with people's vulnerability to manipulation and abuse. She will have to make her own decisions about what to do about what's happening. If she does come to you, you could have some information available for her. There's some information on how to help a friend on the website and you can also find suggestions through a search. I know it's incredibly difficult to know what you know and be helpless to stop it. Continuing to focus on yourself and your personal boundaries will be a great example for her to see. I couldn't find a good counselor either when I needed one, but honestly, I think I gained more from books on the subjects of abuse and boundaries than I would have through a counselor. You've come a long way and have so many reasons to be very proud of what you've accomplished.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:46am

Welcome, freedom.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:19am

2 Thought's Here:

You are being a good friend in telling her you see huge red flags waving, but after that you can only be open and supportive to her and just listen. Sooner or later, if he is an abuser he will show his true colors and she will need you. Until then you're doing what you can and that's great. You're right in that if someone had not have helped you. You would probably still be with your ex.

Nightmares:
I get them too. They seem to happen to me when I have to deal with the ex or when there is a significant date or event coming up. My DV counselor said they are actually a good thing in that it's your mind trying to heal and make sense of what happened. The one thing I have found that helped it to think of pleasant happy things before I go to bed. I also try to in my dreams be present enough to say that it's only a dream and I can stop it and then leave wherever I am in my dream. Sometimes though, I still wake up screaming and shaking too. It's a process I guess.

Counseling is a good thing. DV shelters have access to people who specialize in abuse and you may get more benefit from that and or a group to talk to others who have been there done that.