New to this board. Confused & hopeless

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
New to this board. Confused & hopeless
5
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 7:53pm

Hi ladies. I really have no idea if what I am in is an abusive relationship or not. I have read so many links from this board and the website and have been lurking for a few days. So many of the signs of verbal and emotional abuse are there, but I guess I'm in the "this can't be happening to me" stage. I am 26. I married my husband at 17, he was 20. I was living with my mother and stepdad and was absolutely miserable because my stepdad was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, my brother and my mom. I was in counseling with a psychiatrist for most of my teenage years and on prozac. He told me repeatedly that my stepdad was abusing me and my brother and that if we would record it they could get us out of the house, but I was terrified that my mom would chose him over her own children and we would end up in foster care since my dad was deceased. I thought that was the lesser of two evils.

So, anyway, I met my husband in high school. I was 15, he was 18. At the time I thought he was so much like my dad. A quiet, honorable, respectable person. He was so smart, salutatorian of his class. We dated in high school. He was the only person I ever dated. Like I said we got married when I was 17, two months before my 18th birthday. He was 20. I know that I was in love with him at one time, at least I think I was. I find myself questioning that a lot lately. We had our first child when I was 19. I dropped out of college and went to work fulltime. I worked during that pregnancy and we struggled. He quit his job because he did not like it. He worked odd jobs for family members for awhile, then got a fulltime job a month before I had our son. It was a decent paying job and had great benefits. I quit work to stay home when our son was 4 months old. I was so unhappy with my job and I wanted to stay home with my kids. Things went ok for awhile, if me doing everything in the house and with our child was ok. He worked and took the trash out, that was it. Then when I was 21 we had our daughter. Things were ok probably for the first year. A lot more fights because I was so overwhelmed doing it all.

About 15 months ago he got fired from his job of 5 years because he was out sick and failed to call in and tell them everyday. He missed 4 days. He had a record of missing a lot, though. He called in sick for everything. His dad even told him one time that he better watch out because they would fire him. He did not believe it, he thought he was irreplacable. We bought our 1st home about 2 months before he got fired. We have struggled the past year. He found another job about 3 months after being fired. It does not pay quite as well and he's working nights now instead of days. He hates working nights, I think he hates working period. Then the fights started. I would complain about having no help at all around the house and he would say that if he would see me doing something he would get up and help. He told me I'm a terrible wife, a terrible mother. I'm controlling, I nag, he doesn't know how he's stayed married to me for as long as he has. He says he has no friends because when we were newlyweds I would not let him go out with the guys.

I have gotten to the point that I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in my own home because he's so critical, so demeaning towards me. He argues with everything I say almost. He uses the harshest tone speaking to me and the kids most of the time. Our communication is terrible because I feel like I can't talk to him. He has put me behind the computer our whole marriage. If he's at home he's playing on the computer or watching cartoons, that's it. His idea of spending time with the kids for the past 4 years for our daughter and almost 6 years for our son are to sit and watch cartoons with them. He's been doing a little better with that lately after I complained about it a lot. The kids have to repeat everything to him repeatedly because he pays no attention.

I feel like I've lost myself, like I have no clue at all who I am. I have spent our whole marriage putting me on the back burner and the kids and him in front. Our son(6 years old) is really starting to show some problems with all of the tension at home. He's having stomach aches all of the time. I took him to the pediatrician and he couldn't find anything wrong. He suggested counseling. I've made him an appointment, it's in 2 weeks. He's very whiny, cries at the drop of a hat and is clingy, wanting to be held all of the time. It's very unlike him.

Does anyone have any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 8:06am

First of all welcome,

I say all the time that this is so not what I thought my life would be, but I will make it what I want it to be.

Your children are probably sensing the tension in your home. There have been alot of changes and that alone will upset a child, but with the anger and frustration that is probably just sending him to the point they don't know how to cope with everything. I would say he is probably having a tremendous amount of anxiety and doesn't feel sale in the environment he is in, which is why he wants to be held so much.

As for your marriage, I would talk to someone trained in DV to vent first off and secondly to give you peace of mind that you're not nuts. Only you can say, yes, I am abused and I am not doing this anymore. It takes awhile to get to that point usually as most people will tell you. We are all here in the meantime to help any way we can.

Either way, one thing you most definitely should do whether you leave or not is start doing little things for yourself. Think about what you would like and what your goals are. That will make you at least feel more in control of your situation and help your self esteem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 8:25am
My advice is that you get yourself back into counseling, & keep your kids in it too. You are living my life - except for mine was also an alcoholic. It wonet get better, I am sorry to say.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 9:06am

Welcome to the board hun.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 10:10am

Thanks for the kind words. I am going to counseling alone. I've been going for about 3 months or so. Sometimes I think it helps. The last session I went to I left feeling like it was a waste of time. The counselor keeps telling me that for my kids sake I need to decide whether I'm going to try to work it out with my h or leave. He said I'm allowing them to feel anxious and upset by staying. I'm scared that one day I'll look back and say I wish I would have stayed.

One of the things that bothers me the most is that I cannot have a serious discussion about our troubles. He turns absolutely EVERYTHING around to make it my fault and I leave the conversation wondering if I'm this terrible, terrible person and if he's the only man that would ever love me. After one of our talks I feel like I'm useless, like I've made him this way. In October we had a big, big argument. He asked me then if I wanted to end our marriage because we could end it right then. But I do not have the finances to support me and the kids right now. He also broke down crying one night in October and told me that he could not live without me. So I'm terrified if I were to leave that he would do something to hurt himself. I'm just scared!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 11:22am

IMO, I think you need to have a counselor that specializes in DV.

5yrssm