New to board-my story
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| Sat, 04-17-2004 - 1:02am |
Briefly, here is my story: I was raised in a fairly affluent suburb of a major metro area, although my family was not on the "upper end" of this affluence. I went to private schools and private colleges all paid for by my mother and my step-father-(I don't have a relationship with my real father.) so I have been fortunate. My real father chose not to maintain our relationship after my parents divorced when I was 2 1/2. My step-father was an emotionally and mentally abusive person to both my mother and I. They divorced finally when I was 22. My mother and I have had a on and off relationship-she is very punishing and bitter, or incredibly supportive; no in between. She has no idea what I have been living with. She just thinks I am so lucky and have the best life-HA! I married at 24 to an older man (he was 42) we were married for 7 years. Obviously, the father figure role was finally filled. He was very good to me and his family incredibly good to me. In fact, today my former FIL just congratulated me on having the courage to leave this mess. At the point that my XH and I were separated (but still living together) I met my SO. Could he smell desparation and opportunity or what?? My XH comes from a fairly wealthy family and I was due to get (had things gone better) a settlement in the six figures from my divorce. Shortly after my SO and I "fell in love" I found out I was pregnant. At this time, the divorce was dragging on and I was the primary parent to my lovely then two year old DD. My SO other at the time was "Step-Daddy of the Year" he, like most of them, are brilliant at recognizing and pulling our strings. My SO demanded that I quit working (my XH and I owned a business together and it was very stressful) My SO was "going to take care of me the right way and be a man" This fairly decent behaviour continued until our daughter was born. Now, in between there were some explosive fights and public humiliation which I could of course see how it was my fault b/c I wasn't "handling things right" I'm sure all of this sounds familiar to all of you. After my 2nd daughter (daughter by SO) was born and the money settled from my divorce (which was less than it should have been b/c SO rushed it & it also forced me into personal bankruptcy) So now, here I am, no money can be in my name-so it is in his-no car in my name, no lease or house in my name. So essentially "barefoot & pregnant" Then 9/11 happens. I have several job offers, but the compensation initally barely covers daycare for both girls. I take one, work about 14 hours a day with my girls in a completely unacceptable daycare set up of course by dumb a** SO. During my lunch hour I went to the most upscale gentleman's club in our area and got a job. I was determined to have cash to save and get my children out of that situation. We had knock down drag out fights about it-even though we were facing not having grocery money. Which given the slightly less then $100,000 I got from my divorce, plus his income as a investment advisor why didn't we have any money??? Because that sicko stuck it somewhere for himself I am sure!!!!! Fast forward 1 1/2 yrs. I danced, averaged about $800 per night, saved, bought my children shoes & clothes even though WE didn't have any money-b/c of course I never gave him all of it, and I saved. Now still there isn't any money to file my $800 Chapeter 7 so I am still in financial limbo and can't have anything in my name-how convenient? So without his knowledge, I paid for my Chapter 7, updated and completed my resume and began looking for a job last fall. By the grace of God I got a great (but not well paying)job immediately. I now have my own health insurance and cash hidden. Here is the hard part: He has always threatened to kill me or my DD from my first marriage in anger. He has actually put a gun to my head and in my mouth. When he recently demanded that I give custody of my oldest DD back to my XH to save our relationship-even if that resulted in her being a ward of the state in the event of his refusal-I realized this a sick, souless monster. I called my XH today gave him a very brief explanation of the situation and gave custody to him of my oldest DD. It is in her best interest and I can sleep at night knowing she is safe and out of this horrible environment of rage on minute and "I love you let me take you shopping baby" the next. The worst part is I will probably never see my 2 year old DD with my SO again. His family lives out of the country and he has told me over and over he would never let me have her.
So less than two weeks from tonight ladies, I will be free. I have a safe place to stay rent free for six months to save, a wonderful person to co-sign a car loan for me, a regular job with insurance and the manager of my old club said I could come in anytime for extra cash - which I will do - as I have LAW SCHOOL BILLS coming soon!!!! I am going to get my law degree. After living with such injustice for so long I have to do something for me and ultimately my daughters; if God helps me keep both of them too. Keep me in your prayers and you will be in mine. We are not stupid we are not crazy, they are masterful in who they pick and how they play us and hopefully we all get out safetly. All my best....

Hi and welcome -
I applaud your courage and doing what you had to do in order to get yourself out of this.
CL-Blueliner4
My stbxh threatened me repeatedly that he wouldn't let me have our youngest. He would go off with a laundry-list of my wrong doings as a mother and show me how he would prove me unfit. In the end, I have both kids with no problems from stbxh. I know that every situation is different, and all these men react differently. In the grand scheme of things, I got lucky with my stbxh and he is not as physically violent as some others.
I don't want to tell you what to do, or force my opinions on you. Please look at your options out there and do what you need to in order to protect you youngest dd from him. She WILL suffer from abuse from him also. If he hasn't shown abuse towards her yet, it is only a matter of time. There are a lot of links here on this board's homepage to help you out. Keep posting here for support, there are many of us who have come out on the other side safely.
take care, jenny