New here

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
New here
8
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:55pm
It's hard for me to post. I have been in several abusive relationships....physical and emotional. I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years. I should have been smart enough to know that it would turn out this way. All of the warning signs were there, it's not like I haven't been in this situation before. He started out ok of course, but before we even got married, he was accusing me of wanting to sleep with some teenage friend of my son, I was 35 at the time.....get real. He has been making comments the past couple of years about if he knew then what he knows now, he would have run like H. I have children from previous marriage, we have a 2 year old together. He has said that if it weren't for her, he would not stay married to me. He gave me a check when I was 3 months pregnant and told me to go file for divorce......That was the first time that I really remember him just being hateful towards me. He will be like that for a few days and then he will be fine for several months. The problem is that the hateful times are getting closer and closer together and lasting longer and longer. I can't do anything right, even though I take care of everything to do with the family. He only pays the house payment and mows the grass. I do EVERYTHING else. He is not only hateful to me, but to the kids too, and it kills me. We try to stay away from him. I have cried so much that I just can't cry anymore. I have almost reached the breaking point. I just don't want to start over.....again......not yet. Thanks to anyone that reads this, I just needed to vent. I didn't really think I was being abused again, because at least he doesn't hit me. I was really scared that he would night before last though. The rest of the time it's "poor, poor me....why don't you love me", and constantly complaining about how pitiful his life is. I just needed to vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: morgantlsmom
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 2:42pm

Oh honey, you just pull up a chair and sit yourself down and keep on venting.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
In reply to: morgantlsmom
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 4:29pm
So understandable. So hard to start over again. I know. If you feel like you don't want to leave right this minute, please try to find out why you have been in several abusive relationships. And the healthier you get, the more it will seem ridiculous to even spend one more day like this.
His hateful episodes will get closer and closer (like contractions) until it will seem unbearable and you feel like you can't even get a clean breath between bouts of his anger. Before it gets to that, please try to contact a domestic shelter counselour like cl-blueliner said and arrange some visits.
We have all been through what you are going thru now and sometimes the realization that you ARE being abused is the hardest part. Get help for yourself, please. You will have the strengh to leave him, it will come when you realize that what he is doing is nothing more than degrading you and it is his agenda and has nothing to do with you. But you will need to find out what makes you attracted to men like that.
Lots of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
In reply to: morgantlsmom
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 5:17pm

Hi: Your story is similar to mine, especially the last part. Mine is
always complaining about my not loving him and how he does everything in
this marriage and complaining about everything I do and don’t do, and he
calls me names and is hateful and demeaning and so threatening. So I know
how you feel. My husband has unfortunately gotten worse over the years and
his Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde personality has gotten to be more Mr. Hyde and less
Dr. Jekyll.

IMO, women with personalities like me, low on self esteem and easily made to
feel guilty are the ones batterers prey on. It seems to be the same story:
They are sizing us up from the moment they meet us to see if we would make a
suitable partner. I’m not at all sure that they are even conscious of it, but
I know it’s a necessity for them. They can’t do enough nice things for you,
romance, beautiful words, gifts, etc.. and here we are congratulating ourselves
on what a great guy we found.

They really concentrate on finding out what makes us happy and make sure they
provide it AND they are also busy learning our weaknesses so that they can
start with their accusations and badgering and getting to our guilt. Its not
your fault, none of it. We are just victims

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
In reply to: morgantlsmom
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 6:24pm
Stuckmom, you put it beautifully. (Why, stuckmom? How about mom who might be stuck now but does not need to be forever?)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
In reply to: morgantlsmom
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 9:22am
Thanks everyone. I just feel so stupid, since I have been in this position before (except a lot worse)and I should have known better. It's hard because mostly I do love him, but I am getting to where I care less & less if he leaves or not. Sometimes I wish that he would. He is back in the "how can I make you love me again" faze. He is being nice, at least he was yesterday. We'll see how long it takes this time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
In reply to: morgantlsmom
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 9:47am
back and forth, back and forth, I love you, I don't love you - that is the dance of the jerks and the abusers. The difference is the abusers couple this with hateful remarks, threats and so on and so forth.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
In reply to: morgantlsmom
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 11:56am
The sad thing is.....I didn't even realize that I was being abused at first. I have been married to a physical abuser and all I could think of for the longest with this one is that he wasn't hitting me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
In reply to: morgantlsmom
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 12:31pm
I didn't either. Thought it was all my fault. Husband would still like to have me believe that.