New Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
New Here
3
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 11:05am

Hi, this is my first time posting here, and I have had an abusive marriage in the past, so I've been reluctant to get married again. I've been in a relationship for a year now, but it's obvious I've just found another nasty man...same issues, just with a different face.

I don't have much time today but I'll tell you quickly that he's repeatedly talked online to other women, telling them he loves them and that if only things had been different, he could have been their "soul mate"...we've gone around and around on this and a couple of days ago was just the last straw...will get on later to fill you in, thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: humnbrd2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 1:03pm

Hi humnbrd, welcome -


We look forward to hearing what you have to say!

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
In reply to: humnbrd2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 10:44pm

hi, thank you for the welcome.

Well, I'm in my early 40's and just graduated from a program for a great career and passed my board exam. While I was waiting to take my exam, my savings basically ran out and so my bf asked me to move in and offered to help me until I passed my test and got on my feet.

We've had issues in the past, gone around and around about his friendships with several other women and his online conversations with them, which tend to have flirtatious or sexual overtones. I don't think he ever really got why this upset me, but he said he would stop. A couple of days ago, I went into our joint e-mail account and noticed several e-mails to and from one of these friends and my bf. They were comparing notes on marital problems (on her end) and sexual problems, and my bf told her all about our relationship issues and even went into intimate detail about our sex life! He also told her that he wanted to ask me to lose weight, but that I was so sensitive that he didn't know how to ask me (this is a man who is at least 75 pounds overweight). And, in these e-mails he was saying to her, in effect, "you're so awesome, you've been through so much, I love you, and I feel we could have been soul mates." And last but not least, he assured her he was going to create a special folder so that all these e-mails would remain private.

I'm not even going to waste the space talking about the confrontation that followed, because I can't believe a man would actually expect me to swallow the lame excuses he offered me.

And, I think the timing is awfully suspicious, the way he "accidentally" left these e-mails where I would see them, when I've just passed my boards and will be making very good money pretty soon. It's hard for me to believe that he just drifted into these conversations with this woman, not seeing it as potentially hurtful to our relationship, especially since we've dealt with this before. I personally think he wants me to leave and just doesn't want to be the one to say it, because then all these women won't feel sorry for him. If I leave, he can cry on all their shoulders and get the attention.

Well, I'm in a different space mentally since passing my test. My self-esteem in relationships hasn't been so good up until now...but now things are different. I'm not even as devastated as normally I would probably be...I'm too busy thinking about finding a job and saving up money. I just wanted to run this by everyone, because I'm being made to feel that I'm ultra sensitive for being so upset about something that's already happened and that he can't undo, like I'm just supposed to feel better already. He keeps asking me, "so are we okay?" I'm not even in a position yet to give that an honest thought, because he's helping me pay my bills. I'm just disgusted...and very glad that I haven't married him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: humnbrd2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 11:51pm

Hi there -


First off, BIG CONGRATULATIONS ON PASSING

CL-Blueliner4