New here and confused and feed up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
New here and confused and feed up!
2
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 9:45am
Hi! I am a newbie here and I am really confused and feed up in my relationship. I am a 28 year old in a crazy marriage to say the least.I have three children (two from a previous marriage, one with him) 9, 7 and 15 months. I am at my ends but at the sametime feel so trapped. He is very emotional abusing and power driven in this marriage. Before our marriage I felt like I had finally gotten on my feet after a divorce. I was supporting my self and my two boys and was able to buy all three of us what we wanted and make life fun for us. Then I met my now husband. We dated about a year before we got married and before that eveything was great. We did alot together and he was so romantic and sweet. I will admit that he did have a drug problem that I had found out about and stopped (atleast I haven't found any or he is really good at hiding it now) way before we even got engaged. Now in hind sight, I should seen the red light go off. Well, from that habbit formed a bad internet gaming habbit which kinda started right before our marriage but it wasn't really bad at that point. We had moved 45 minutes away from my home town where all my friends and family lived to be with him. I knew no one around here. Right after our wedding I got pregnant and he was happy and so was my children. After our wedding day, lets just say everything went to pot. He stays on the computer for hours playing a internet game. He hoards any money I make and my kids child support away. I am called a bad mom all the time. He yells at me and calls me everything infront of my kids all the time. I get introuble if I spend more than five dollars (food, gas and anything else we may need) a day. I must show a recipt on everything I purchase. He curses at my kids. He really has nothing to do with any of us. Maybe 20 minutes a night. If I mention anything about the computer gaming he goes on a yelling rant and throws thing. I did drink a little to much wine one night and went off on him about every bad thing he has done to us and he put his hands around my throat pretty hard. When our daughter was born he left us there at the hospital for seven hours to take a nap, play with his dog and play his game and this was two hours after she was born. When we got home from the hospital he made me go to the drug store to get my percription filled for pain meds and I was in pain. If I threaten to leave him he tells me I can't take her with me. I am not allowed to go out and buy any new clothes for my kids or myself unles I get his permsion first and usualy the answer is no. I have to rely on my parents to watch her if I have to go to the doctor because he won't, but can come home from work at that time to take naps. I am so far away from my family and have no one near me. So I have to drive 45 minutes if I have to go. He sleeps on the couch have time instead of with me because he can stay on his game longer without me knowing. Our first year of marriage was no sex other than the time we di to get pregnant with her. His choice. I cried myself to sleep all the time that year because I was so lonely. Now only time is when he bugs me so I will stop buggin him about going anywhere with him and doing anything.

I am sooooooooooo over this marriage. I am at the point I want out but I feel so trpped here. I tried to get him to get counceling but he yells at me about that and tells me I am the only one who needs that. I am far away from my family and friends. There is no on out here but him and he gets mad if I talk to them about our problems. I lost my job right after the September 11 thing so I have been a stay at home mom for awhile now with a small part time job. I can't live off that.

Any suggestions out there. I feel so alone on this and I feel like I have ruined my kids and my life by marrying him.

Thanks

Kristy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:47pm
Welcome to the board, Hon....

I understand completely why you're fed up, you have every right to be. Don't feel trapped, you can make it on your own again. I was very independent and on my own too, before getting involved with my abusive ex, and I lost it all while I was with him and left with nearly nothing just to get out. It wasn't easy, it has taken me this whole year to get back on my feet, but I did it through sheer will and determination and an intense craving not to live in the abuse anymore, and so can you.

He cannot take your baby, that is just his threatening way of keeping you with him. The first thing I would do if I were you would be to seek legal advice. A consultation with a lawyer will be free and it will be invaluable in allowing you to know what your options are. There is so much help out there hon, and so many resources available for you and your children. Please read through our homepage for a list of resources available to you. You can also call your local DV shelter and they can help you, plus give you the phone numbers of other resources, including helping you find legal aid.

Please feel welcome to post here with us as often as you want, we all understand your situation and we all care very much.

Hugs!

Avatar for cl_mizlizzy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:05am
Welcome to the board krstycle.........................................

I am so sorry for everything you are going through, but so glad you're seeking help and support. While you may seem "trapped", there is SO much help available for you, and your children, and you can break free from your abuser. It's beyond important that you plan very quietly, taking care of as many details as possible, without alerting him to your plans. If he is aware, he is likely to sabotage your efforts, isolate you further, and make things much more difficult.

I think you going to counseling alone would be a wonderful thing, and since he has said you are the one who needs it, then tell him you are going for yourself. I would bet he balks if you are serious about going, but, joint therapy when abuse is an issue isn't recommended anyway, for many reasons, and this individual counseling for yourself can help you to prepare emotionally, as well as practically, to break free. Your local shelter should offer free or low cost counseling and support groups. Working with a counselor who specializes in abuse would be best, but I wouldn't let your husband know that, or any other plans or steps you are taking.

With support, resources, and information, you can take steps for yourself and your children, and you can get a plan in place that protects you, them, and your best interests. As Jeepster says so well above, educating yourself about your legal options will help so much, and it's important that you do this while you are making your plans. Most abusers use the children to intimidate and manipulate, as they try to cling to their power and control. You have rights and laws to help protect you and your baby, no matter what he thinks or says.

Please, read all you can, here, in the archives, and on the homepage. Please also post as much as you want/need to, knowing we all care and understand.

Hugs!!