New here and need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
New here and need advice
7
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 4:41pm

Hi. I'm a 30 years old and have been married for 10 years. I have 4 great kids (ages 10,9,6 and 4). I guess I need to go back a few years to describe my whole story and hopefully some of you will have some answers or advice for me. When I first married my husband, who was military at the time, we had an amazing relationship. I had a daughter and he totally accepted her and I. Less than a couple years later our son was born. This is when the problems erupted. For many years I closed my eyes to any abuse. My daughter that I brought into the marriage wasn't ever effected, so it began with my son. It started with yelling then eventually escalated to physical harm, either by spankings, a twist of an arm or pulling of the hair or ears. I couldn't admit there was a problem, I didn't want to see it. As the years past we had 2 more children. My 6 year old is disabled and quite the handful, but sweet as can be. Once she was born the instances became more frequent. The stress in our house was high and she was colic. I noticed marks on her at times, but I refused to believe that she was getting any type of abuse, especially since she was a baby. Some more years past and last year was the height of the problems when my husband kicked my son in the face. I called the cops. He was arrested, lost his job and put into counceling. We had a social worker coming for all of last year, monthly, checking on things. Although the verbal abuse continued sometimes, the physical stopped. My husband is very smart, he convinced the therapist that his problems were caused from stress, caused from me. (This is where I admit my failings). I realized before he had kicked my son that he was hurting the kids, but I never saw it happen. I went nuts..I had an affair with another man. That just riled him more. I must admit, wrong as it is, that I still talk to the man, but it is only a friendship and he lives several states away and we do not have physical contact. My husband knows I still talk to him sometimes since he asked me to be honest about it. This guy seems to be my refuge from any pain and I call out to him anytime I fear my situation. I'd like to break that habit, but that is a whole other problem. The problem now is that I started seeing marks on the little one in the past 5 weeks. About 4 instances. The last one was last week when my older son saw him "squish" my younger son's head and it left him with a purple ear. I confronted my husband about it, he denied it, eventhough my son saw it. (The younger one wouldnt confess it was daddy). I called the social worker the next morning and I was told to have a meeting with the family and discuss the house rules..and that is it. He totally minimized the issue saying that since I didn't see anything happen my older son might have made it up. My husband since has admitted his temper can be out of control and that he will get help again (but he hasnt) and has started the ritual of kissing my butt and making himself look better. But I'm not as nieve as I once was. This man is so smart, he brainwashes anyone he meets, he controls our money situation and I only get an allowance, he has put us in debt, he calls my sister names because she is the only one who tells me to get out, he plays mind games with me and makes me almost believe that I am the reason for his failures and he is constantly moody. I just never know if it's the bad guy or good guy coming home from work and he can snap from being good to evil in seconds. I feel almost insane dealing with this for 10 years and I don't know anymore what is wrong or right, whether he is abusive or if I make it more than what it is. I am completely lost. Any help? Please?

Thanks in advance for reading this long post. -Danielle

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 5:01pm

Welcome to the board Danielle...


First of all you are not making it out to be more than what it truly is....he IS abusing you and he is one of the many classical abusers.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 6:04pm

Hi Danielle, welcome


Wishful's already given you some great advice.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 3:40pm
Thank you both for the advice and warm welcome. It gave me a lot to think about. It is so difficult to just get up and go, especially without my own money or a place to go. Right now I am trying to concentrate on my 6 year old who is going in for heart surgery in a few weeks, I know I can't leave right now with that looming so close in the future, but at least I know more now for when I am ready and the time is right. Thanks again and I will keep checking back!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 11:51am

How old is your eldest daughter? From your post I see she isn't biologically his daughter. Is she the favored child? How do they act together?

I ask because as a child I was the one who all of my siblings and my mom thought had this wonderful relationship with my step dad. What they didn't know is that he was sexually abusing me. Your husband sounds so much like my step dad. Nice (hah!) to the nonbiological child but mean to his own kids.

Please talk to your daughter and make sure nothing is happening between her and her step dad.

I am not saying it is, but it can't hurt to be sure.

nolson_golden
Proud Parent of 3: Tiara, Tawnya and Tannessa
Grandmother of 2: Richard and Matthew

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:01pm

I have talked to my oldest daughter so many times, making sure that nothing is going on there. I am positive that there isn't. She never sees anything either (he almost makes himself appear angelic to her) and she is a very well adjusted, smart girl. I just think she got lucky not being his blood, he isn't as hard on her. It's mostly the boys. My husband was raised (with an older brother) with a strict hand and hard belt. He was beaten himself. His dad taught him that you MUST be perfect and you MUST respect or you get a beating. My H tends to feel the same way about our boys.

Thank you for your comments and sharing your experience. I'm very sorry to hear how your step father treated you. I'm glad my oldest is spared, but I know she is still suffering watching her step brothers get the brunt of my H's anger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 1:59pm

I am so glad to hear you have investigated the possibility and are sure it isn't true.

There is nothing worse than having a person who you should be able to trust and respect hurt you like that.

I have moved on after much counseling. What he did he gets to live with. What happened to me was not my fault.

Boy it took a long time to even admit to anyone it happened much less that it wasn't my fault.

It is too sad that your sons' father is passing on the abuse. I am sure you talk to your sons about the fact that what their father is doing isn't right. I hope it all works out for you and the kids.

I wish my mom would have just left my stepdad. I think my siblings would have been better off and I know I would have.

nolson_golden
Proud Parent of 3: Tiara, Tawnya and Tannessa
Grandmother of 2: Richard and Matthew

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 8:05pm

Danielle,

You really need to get away from this man. He's destroying your children and breaking your spirit.

Obviously you posted here because you know something is dreadfully wrong and has been for a long time. You're right.

Show your boys what their mom is made of.

If you don't do something about this situation, if you don't save them from your husband, it won't just be your children being abused and hit - it'll also be your grandchildren.

"Dad beat us and hit us and made us feel bad and mom never helped us." -- that's how they see it.

Please make a plan to get out. Please.

Oh, and your husband isn't that smart. He's just a bully. You must think for yourself and make changes - the main one being to get rid of him. Heck, his job fired him for being a jerk -- you should fire him, too!