New Here, Confused & Frustrated
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| Fri, 07-15-2005 - 12:25am |
Hi All,
I have never posted before, so I am a little nervous! I have been reading posts here for a while...especially during the more difficult moments. The support here is amazing! Thank you all for reading!
I have been married to l for three years, and have been with him for four. We married young, I was 22 and he 23. We have a 2 year old. He has been abusive from very early on. But it was subtle. I know compared to many other men, (esp the men women write about here) he is not that bad. He never hurt me so badly that he left bruises. It was mostly just pushing, shoving, throwing belongings at me or at a wall, and lots of verbal and emotional abuse. He would have "episodes" about once or twice a month, mostly he would just snap, at small things, unpredictably. He would blame his behavior on his GAD (gen anxiety disorder), and I bought it. He got on meds, and he did improve, but the abuse still happened. Just not quite as often. After the birth of my daughter, I started to "wake up". I knew that this was not the environment that I wanted to raise her in. But I found myself saying "if it happens one more time I'm leaving". Well, it has happned many more times. Whether he is verbally abusive, tries to humiliate me in public, or throws objects toward me. So I have made up my mind to put an end to it, and leave. I am going back to school, so the plan is to get fin aid to help me and my daughter move out. (We own a home but he refuses to move out). I was in denial for a long time. But I don't want to be that way anymore.
On the outside, our relationship seems peaceful. Almost ideal. He does a good job at acting. I used to think that there were two of him, and that I just had to ignore the "bad" him. But I know now that he is only one person, and he has control over his actions. I know that I just don't love him anymore. When I look at him, I still see the man who threw me down while I was 5 months pregnant, or who threatened me by stating that if I went back to school, he would not give me any of "his money".
Looking back, I feel angry that I put up with it all.
Now that I have been making plans to separate, he sleeps down stairs, and doesn't bother me too much. He hasn't had an episode in 4 weeks. But I am still confused. He does a good job of convincing me that I am the one with problems. He tries to tell me that I am destroying our "happy" home, and that our daughter will suffer. He tells me he honestly can't see why I would want out of the marriage. I just hope I can stay strong and focused on my goal.
Do any of you have similar experiences? Has any of your men changed, were you successful in leaving the abuser?
Thanks a bunch for reading, just simply writing it all down has been therapeutic!

Welcome, mammasan - so glad you found us! One thing I want to suggest: call a domestic abuse shelter and speak to an advocate. If they have specific legal advocates, talk with one of them. Ask them what you can do as far as getting assistance with a DV-trained attorney AND getting him out of the house. What you have described is definitely physical abuse, so you should be able to separate. I was told there was no way I could get my x out because he wasn't beating me and that was totally untrue.
He'll act like a better person for a while. Don't believe it. And yes, they make it seem like it's our fault. I was hypersensitive, for example, and a lot of us have heard that line. It is never our fault that our abusers choose to do things that hurt. As soon as we said stop, cringed, cried, or did anything else that let them know their behaviour felt bad, they should have stopped it. They didn't. They are responsible.
Keep hanging with us and congratulations on seeing through him. I wish you the best of luck, and safety, as you make your way out.
First of all repeat after me. YOU ARE NOT NUTS. He has crossed a line and you should not have to react to his bi monthly episodes. What you are in now is the honeymoon phase where is is being good as his knows the gig is up and you want out. Believe it or not abusers really do know what they are doing when they act up.
You hit the nail on the head when you said he was a good actor. The oscars should take a look at some of these people as their performances are worthy of award.
I left me abuser and my divorce will be final next month. I have learned that my male friends who have stuck by me and helped me when needed have been more helpful to me than my ex husband ever was. I took can't get past the look on this face when he grabbed me and threatened to choke me while I was also pregnant.
Call your local DV program or shelter. If there is no one in your area call the national hotline listed on the board here. They are there to be your sounding board as well as counsel you in what direction to head in now. They are not man haters and will not tell you that you need to do this or that. They will let you make that decision.
There is hope and you will get out. You are a Queen and have more strength than you ever realized you had.
Welcome to the board....
The other two ladies have given you great advice so I'm going to put my two cents worth in.
Hi All,
Thank you all for the wonderful and kind advice. It feels great to know that there are people out there who understand. For the longest time, I would not even admit- to myself or anyone else- that I was a victom of abuse. I just never thought it could be me. Constantly making excuses for his actions. I am starting to see clearly, and I think it's part of the process. When my sister visited me recently, she witnessed one of his outbursts--throwing the phone at the wall (very close to where we were sitting), and then verbally abusing me, along with threatening. I admitted to her that this has been going on for a while. The next day, she noticed I was being nice to him. That upset her, and she said to me "you are acting really stupid... you are totally forgiving him". This was hard to hear, but made me realize she was right.
I plan on contacting the dv shelter to see if they can assist as far as personal counseling and legal advice.
I do not own the home, but it was purchased by my husband while married, and my name is on the title. I wanted to keep the house, but if he is too difficult, I will move out. Just wanted to make it less stressful on my daughter.
My heart goes out to other women who are going through this too. I know many women are in much worse situations, I pray that you will find strength to move forward. I so admire those of you who were able to get out. I think it takes great inner strength.
Thanks again for caring!
I am so glad you have reached out.
Hi,
Thanks for taking the time to share with me. You all are very strong women, and I admire you! I really want out, and I guess the reason I am not packing up now is because he hasn't done anything major in a long time. For the most part, he just throws things at me occaisionally, curses, or threatens. But it isn't that often. If he stays calm, he's ok. I have been communicating to him that I intend on separating, and I guess he is ok with it. Like I said earlier, he sleeps downstairs, no problem, and he's been doing this for about a month. But about once a day, he tries to hug/kiss me, and it totally turns me off! I just don't have any love left for him. But also about everyday, he'll get angry and say I'm being "mean" to him because I want to leave. Today, he was walking out the door to take my daughter to the park, and he says to me "look, find a place to live and just GET OUT!", then he says to my daughter "come on, let's get away from the witch!". That really made me mad! But I'm trying to understand that this is all just to get to me, and I don't want him to be able to affect me negatively, as that would be part of the control.
I know that if he threatens to harm either of us, I will leave immediately, but so far, I don't feel I'm in direct danger. So I am going to try to wait it out just for a couple months longer till I have the money. I thought about trying to get him thrown out, but I know he'll be difficult, and fight it out. His side of the family has money, and I know he will not have any problem finding a good lawyer. And, he has not been very physically violent with me in two years. I mean, he has done smaller things, like destroy belongings, or pushed the chair I sat in, but nothing major.
He has even told me that if I try to work things out, he will go to dv counseling. But I think it's a bunch of bull. There is nothing that he can say or do now that will change my mind. I'm not viewing leaving as an option, just something that must be done.
Sometimes I'm worried that there are a lot of men that are this way. I guess I shouldn't worry about the future at this point!
Thanks again for reading and responding. Your advice and caring thoughts are so much appreciated!!!
Hun,
It doesn't matter if he hasn't laid his hands on you in two years. If he did once he will most definitely do it again. And the small stuff is major.
He doesn't have the right to break things, shove your chair and throw things at you. You would not tolerate that from a two year old let alone a grown man.
He feels entitled to take away your personal freedom and possessions. That is not okay in any form.
It also doesn't matter if he has money or not. Sooner or later abusers will show their true colors.
-J
A