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New Here (long)
| Thu, 09-28-2006 - 12:43am |
Hi I'm new here. I am looking for support because I have just left an emotionally abusive relationship. I have been with him for 5 years and over the period of time he has hated all my friends and slowly gotten ridden of my social life, he has also done the same with my family as much as he could, he has made me feel as if I'm not smart or supportive or a good person or an intersting person he has also controlled me finacially by never working or keeping any job for more than a couple of months. I have supported him so that he could go to school at the same time I was working, cleaning, cooking taking care of the dogs and listening to him tell me I'm useless and incosiderate. Before I was with him I had a ton of friends I had lots of interests I traveled and was a free spirt.
We have a son together that is 4 months old. He was born in May but his due date was in September. We spent a long time in the NICU and he has been home for about a month. I decided to leave because I didn't want our son to grow up seeing this type of relationship I didn't want this to be the modle of what a relationship should be between two people.
Now he wants to take him 3 hours away to where he moved which is right on the Canadian border. He moved there because he was "sick of acting white" (hes native American) and because he feels that if he stayed here he would be depressed and that wouldn't be good for "His son" he also has a lot of family up there.
I stood my ground and wouldn't let him take the baby he is there now but is comming back in a couple of days. Even though he has never been physically abusive I am terrified of the confrontations that will happen when he does. I filed for custody on Mon. however the court date won't be set for another 3-6 weeks this is crazy I feel like I'm in limbo here and in fear.
He does not want to take him up for more than 2-3 days. The doc. says that it's ok. I feel like he is still to young to travel also his father has a huge family that will probably want to see him and hold him and I do not blame them because whenever a baby is born that is what people naturally do. He is just prone to infection he also isn't living anywhere. He doesn't have good breaks on his car and I feel that in order for the baby to be in stable enviroment these things should be in place. I do not think it is fair for him to move that far away and expect me to just deal with it. He has bagered me over the phone threatened to get a lawyer and told me I was taking his child away from him. this is not the case since he did take him for a few hours the other day and I told him he can see him anytime as long as he comes home reasonably and is in town. He says this is me being controlling and unreasonable because everything is on my terms. I let him stay at my house last weekend because I thought he could spend time with the baby. We got into an argument. he held the baby and was screaming at me long story short I asked him to stop he refused I asked him to leave he refused and then I told him I would call the police and if he didn't he refused and so I did call the police he imediately put the baby down and then started packing when the police came he started to cry and said that I was this horrible monster and am taking the baby away from him. The police were like you need to file for custody.
I have spent so long under is controll that now I think he is panicking and is even meaner actully he goes from being mean to being nice to trying to compromise then to being mean agian that to the poor me attitude.
When we were in the hospital he said that I was spending too much time there and that there are responsiblities at home he said theat I was depressed (wasn't I kind of entitaled to be?) and aren't paying any attation to him. WE HAD A 1 1/2 lb. BABY IN THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shouldn't our priortiy be him now not so much wether we're having sex. also don't a lot of women lose their sex drive after having a baby? and he was being mean to me and picking fights why would I want to sleep with him. Then he excuses his behavior because he's stessed out. He made the baby a bunch of little tiny shirts and all the nurses were like he's so wonderful. Meanwhile the house is a mess the dogs need walking we need to make dinner and I'm being unsupportive because I'm upset with him because I'm doing all these things and he's making shirts. I love the shirts but thats not the point. I didn't have energy to cook all the time and he would cook sometimes and then he expected me to put him up on a pedistile and be all happy about what he is doing. He put a new floor in the bathroom great!! he put the toilet back in wrong and it leaks and I don't know how to fix it he also cut out the heating pipes so that he could finish the floor and never put them back didn't even leave a hole in the floor so that it could be put back. I don't know how to put it back and can't turn on the heat because it's water heat and the pipes arent connected. How am I being ungreatful?
Sorry for making this so long anyway thank you for listenig.
:)
We have a son together that is 4 months old. He was born in May but his due date was in September. We spent a long time in the NICU and he has been home for about a month. I decided to leave because I didn't want our son to grow up seeing this type of relationship I didn't want this to be the modle of what a relationship should be between two people.
Now he wants to take him 3 hours away to where he moved which is right on the Canadian border. He moved there because he was "sick of acting white" (hes native American) and because he feels that if he stayed here he would be depressed and that wouldn't be good for "His son" he also has a lot of family up there.
I stood my ground and wouldn't let him take the baby he is there now but is comming back in a couple of days. Even though he has never been physically abusive I am terrified of the confrontations that will happen when he does. I filed for custody on Mon. however the court date won't be set for another 3-6 weeks this is crazy I feel like I'm in limbo here and in fear.
He does not want to take him up for more than 2-3 days. The doc. says that it's ok. I feel like he is still to young to travel also his father has a huge family that will probably want to see him and hold him and I do not blame them because whenever a baby is born that is what people naturally do. He is just prone to infection he also isn't living anywhere. He doesn't have good breaks on his car and I feel that in order for the baby to be in stable enviroment these things should be in place. I do not think it is fair for him to move that far away and expect me to just deal with it. He has bagered me over the phone threatened to get a lawyer and told me I was taking his child away from him. this is not the case since he did take him for a few hours the other day and I told him he can see him anytime as long as he comes home reasonably and is in town. He says this is me being controlling and unreasonable because everything is on my terms. I let him stay at my house last weekend because I thought he could spend time with the baby. We got into an argument. he held the baby and was screaming at me long story short I asked him to stop he refused I asked him to leave he refused and then I told him I would call the police and if he didn't he refused and so I did call the police he imediately put the baby down and then started packing when the police came he started to cry and said that I was this horrible monster and am taking the baby away from him. The police were like you need to file for custody.
I have spent so long under is controll that now I think he is panicking and is even meaner actully he goes from being mean to being nice to trying to compromise then to being mean agian that to the poor me attitude.
When we were in the hospital he said that I was spending too much time there and that there are responsiblities at home he said theat I was depressed (wasn't I kind of entitaled to be?) and aren't paying any attation to him. WE HAD A 1 1/2 lb. BABY IN THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shouldn't our priortiy be him now not so much wether we're having sex. also don't a lot of women lose their sex drive after having a baby? and he was being mean to me and picking fights why would I want to sleep with him. Then he excuses his behavior because he's stessed out. He made the baby a bunch of little tiny shirts and all the nurses were like he's so wonderful. Meanwhile the house is a mess the dogs need walking we need to make dinner and I'm being unsupportive because I'm upset with him because I'm doing all these things and he's making shirts. I love the shirts but thats not the point. I didn't have energy to cook all the time and he would cook sometimes and then he expected me to put him up on a pedistile and be all happy about what he is doing. He put a new floor in the bathroom great!! he put the toilet back in wrong and it leaks and I don't know how to fix it he also cut out the heating pipes so that he could finish the floor and never put them back didn't even leave a hole in the floor so that it could be put back. I don't know how to put it back and can't turn on the heat because it's water heat and the pipes arent connected. How am I being ungreatful?
Sorry for making this so long anyway thank you for listenig.
:)

Hi Dragon-Fly.. Welcome to the board :)
well you have came to the right place. You will get a lot of support here and also lots of advice. I have received wonderful advice and support from this board as well as the New Beginning board when I was in an abusive relationship.
My abuser didn't have a huge problem with my friends, but he did with my family. It is always about them and always will be. Abusers only think about themselves and never about anyone else. They switch stories around to blame us. Abusers NEVER take any responsibility. It drives me nuts!
"he has made me feel as if I'm not smart or supportive or a good person or an intersting person he has also controlled me finacially by never working or keeping any job for more than a couple of months."
This is a hidden way for abusers to ruin our self esteem. They tell us stuff all the time about what we need to change, or to do diffently. They are slowly destroying our self esteem and we have no clue that it is even happening until it is already destroyed.
I am happy to read that you chose to leave your SO because you did not want your son to grow up like that. I am very proud of you for taking that step to move on.
"We got into an argument. he held the baby and was screaming at me long story short I asked him to stop he refused I asked him to leave he refused and then I told him I would call the police and if he didn't he refused and so I did call the police he imediately put the baby down and then started packing when the police came he started to cry and said that I was this horrible monster and am taking the baby away from him."
ARRRHHH!!! - I hate that he did that. He is not taking any responsibility and he is totally blaming you. That is so unfair. Switching the story around and starting to cry and apologize... give me a break. I know what to look for in abusers now. My abuser ALWAYS cried and aplogized all the time. I did believe it when it was happening but now I know what it mean. He is just bring you on the rollercoaster again. That is the beginning of the hearts and flowers stage. Have you heard about the abuse cycle? It goes from the build-up to the explosion to the hearts and flowers stage. Over time the cycle becomes more compact. the explosions are closer together and the hearts and flowers stage are farther apart. The only way to break the cycle is to get out of the relationship - which you have done :)
"When we were in the hospital he said that I was spending too much time there and that there are responsiblities at home he said theat I was depressed (wasn't I kind of entitaled to be?) and aren't paying any attation to him. WE HAD A 1 1/2 lb. BABY IN THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He is turning it around on him again. He is only thinking about himself and he is not even thinking about you or your little child in the hospital! He sounds very selfish to me. But don't worry... my abuser was very very selfish too! He wants sex so he thinks that when he wants something he gets it... that is not the case.
You will get stronger. I do not want him to take the baby away for a few days. Do you have any police reports about how he has treated you? Can you go and stay with friends or family for the next couple days?
Hugs. Lauren