new here-long

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
new here-long
2
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:01pm
well im new here and i dont want to go into a lot of background but DH and i have been married for a year together for just over 2...hes always been kind of moody but never violent towards me except the rare shove id get against a wall when id go at him when we got in a fight...anyways these past few months he started a new job which requires him to travel out of town for 3 of every 4 weeks so its pretty hard on all of us, plus this job is VERY hard on his body and he takes a lot of crap from his higher ups about everything because the oil industry here is kind of in shambles right now...anyways so lately ive seen little traces of his extreme anger eg. the day after he got home from being out at work i came home from my newer job to find him washing dishes and he didnt say hi or anythig so i went up to kiss him on the back of the neck and say hi and without turning around he said "get the *!%$ away from me you lazy *%!$#" this shocked me as hes never called me names before especially not like that...so anyways i just walked away and went to the bedroom to change and as im coming into the hall from our bedroom he walks towards me and grabbed my wrist really tight and said "if i ever come home to dishes not done again, they'll all be on the floor and you can clean the G-D mess up" i was shocked and then he went and grabbed his keys and took off for about a half hour and then comes back and is trying to be normal with me??? so i was off but tried to write it off as work stress but the whole next week was full of little digs at me and going from being "unhappy in our marriage and in his life" to "so happy and i love you sovery much ur everything to me"...well on monday we went out for some drinks and munchies to just spend some alone time(we'd had his son with us most of the week nights) and he got into a fight with me there and started yelling at me in the middle of the restaurant(luckily we were pretty much alone in there) and when i told him to tone it down no need to yell he flipped and stalked off to the bathroom...when he came back he tried to be normal but id glance up and see him glaring at me...so my friends from work called to tell us to come bowling...so when we got there only two chics i work with and one of their friends was there so we started to bowl and DH was drinking and bringing me drinks....he was being really crazy and funny and entertaining us being a dork and we kinda bickered friednly back and forth and eveyrone seemed to be having a good time bu ti could tell he was getting pretty drunk...so then he goes to throw his ball down the lane and threw it clear into the other lane beside us(empty luckily) because he was trying to do some stupid spin show off thing..anwyays i yelped and the other 3 girls gasped cuz we were shocked and he whirls aroun and yells at me "shut ur G-D mouth or she'll(the worker) notice" well im sure she noticed anyways so im like oh god just sit down and let me bowl so i go and bowl and he goes over to the bar to get another drink and she tells him no hes had enough apparently from his antics and he gets mad and says "what the f--- gives you the right to tell me if i have had enough?" and she just keeps walking away and tell him that were done bowling tonight and to leave and hes swearing at her and fluipping out and i can see hes drunk out of his tree..then he throws his shoes at the counter and looks at me and says "if you'd just kept your big fat mouth closed everything would be fine" and stalks out...so the rest of us take off our shoes and turn them in and i apologized to the lady and she was nice just said "yeh thats what rye does to a man" so we go out and everyone slike dont worry it sjust booze itll be fine...so i get in the car with him(stupid but too late now to think about) and he starts yelling that its my fault cuz i yelled when he did it and stuff and i said that no its not my fault he shouldnt have done it even if it was an accident u have to be careful and u had no right to yell at that lady..i went to grab his pack of gum from the console by the stereo and he grabs my fingers and crushes them really hard and then shoves my hand hard towards me so i hit the door of the car...then he takes off and im crying a bit cuz my hand hurts and hes just ranting and raving at me about everything and how im a b**** and a s*** and such and all the way home this goes on..then we get in our house and his big black lab has eaten all my little 4 month old puppies food that was in CONTAINERS on the counter so i grab her by the collar and haul her over to show her and say no bad dog and he asks what she did and i tell him and he flipped and started kicking her and she wa backed into a corner so i grabbed his shirt and pulled on it and yelled at hi sinc ethat dog is his baby and he shoved me hard and i hit the stove and landed on the floor then he comes over and swings at me and hti me on the top of the head with his fist hard so im laying on the ground gonna pass out and he walks into the living room following his dog who got away when i grabbed him and he starts hitting her on the chair so i laid myself over top of her to get her away from him and he just kicks at us both and walks away..he starts yellign that im useless etc etc so i just go to bed and he comes in and gets in bed and starts yelling at me and wont let me sleep meanwhile its 2 am and i have to be at work at 7:30 so i get up to have a shower becaus ei remembered i needed clean hair tomorrow to do it up and while im in the shower he comes and starts yelling at me, then i turn off the water and start to get out an dhes like get the f- bakc in there and grabs the shower curtain but ends up pulling the whole rod down...so i start to leave the bathroom and he pushes me back into the tub while hes putting on the shower rod then turns the shower on super cold and sprays me with it then walks out so i turn it off and get into pjs and come to bed and lay down and he says get out of this bed you dumb b- and kicks me right in the side and i fall out of bed so i get up crying obviosuly and go to the couch to sleep and he comes out there and says get out of my house and shoves me out the door in my pjs with no shoes on and leaves me out there for about 10 minutes and its probably minus 15 celcius here at night right now....so i just sit and wait and im just cyring not really thinking anything im so shocked about the night and he coems and unlocks the door and says go sleep in the bed ill sleep out here so i got sleep in bed and i woke up that morning at 6am to go to work with him in bed snuggled to me...when i go to grab my purse to leave at 7:15 he says love u honey and goes back to bed im like wtheck? so i went to work and apologized to my friends for him and they were like ahh whatever its booze..didnt tell them anything else that happened...then i came home and he had roses for me and a nice supper allready...im sorry but my dad was abusive to my mom the two years they were married i know what an abusive man does..he freaks then repents..then i tlel him eevrything he did the night before and he doesnt remember half of it(which i know has happened before when hes been drunk) but hes never been violent before usually just acts liek a goof..i just dont know what to do..i havent told anyone in my famiyl because i know theyd kill him if they knew hed hurt me...the thing is,even tho he was extremely drunk, there was a dark side of him i saw thta i knew wasnt just booze it was HIM and it scares me to know that because i love him dearly but i cant and wont take abuse, i wont...i just am really ocnfused...we had a very nice night last night before he left for work and i miss him like crazy now that hes gone but i also dread him coming back because i dont know what he'll be like especially cuz hes goin gto be working an extra week this shift...but he never can REALLY accept blame...just like his mother..its always yeh i did that but.... or yeh i know i was partly at fault but.... never just an im sorry i hurt u or upset u...NEVER im just going nuts and i wish i could tell his parents but i know from what his moms like that he was raised like this..its never their faults and his two bros r the same...maybe even wors.e.i just dont know what to do im so unhappy i dont want to do anything..thanks for letting me vent hope some ppl read it all:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
In reply to: javlyn_e
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 6:11am


Hi Javlyn,

Firstly many hugs.x.x.x.

I am not qualified to give advice as such but almost everything that you have said i have experienced. As one my previous post said i have been out of an abusive relationship for 9 years. Make no mistake, what he is doing is ABUSE. It does not matter how repentant he is afterwards. It may well be the stress of his new job that has exacerbated his violent behaviour. My mum used to say (she was in a mentally abusive relationship for 30 years) that she wished my father would hit her as at least there would be marks to prove his behaviour. The abusive words scar deep and are not easiy forgotten, the physical marks increase the fear and compound the cycle. It is about control on his part, maybe he does not feel in control at work and the only person he can exert it over is you - this is no excuse though. You said that you have seen this before and you are aware of the cycle. This situation is unlikely to get better unless your partner takes responsilbility for his actions, accepts that he is wrong and is able to talk about it.

I am assuming that you have no children as you did not mention them. Whilst this does not make it easier to deal with you only really have you to think about (and the dog!!). It is so hard to reconcile your love for him and his behaviour. Do you have anyone you can talk to in confidence? Could you go and see a therapist - preferably at first without him knowing? You need to talk about this, get things straight in your head and work out what you want to do. If you allow this situation to continue it will get worse. He obviously has no respect for you as he abused you in front of your friends - even drunk this is NOT ok. I know this hurts and you have taken the first step in posting here, you can deal with this and you DO NOT deserve it, despite what he might say to you

Keep posting here, the people on all of these boards are wonderfully supportive.

Keep strong and know that your freedom, respect and life are worth fighting for

L.x.x.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: javlyn_e
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 8:30am

Welcome, Javlyn.