New here - looking for insight

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
New here - looking for insight
4
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 10:30am
My name is Jody and I am 24 years old with a 2 year old daughter, Lily. I have been married for a little over 2 years. Since I was pregnant with Lily my husband has been abusing me. Not so much physically while I was pregnant, but very much emotional. As of now he is only physically abusive every couple months or so. I have learned what sets him off and try very hard to avoid making him mad at me. I know that I no longer want to be with him I just find it very difficult to leave what I have been living with for this long. I guess why I am here is to find out how some of you got out of this type of situation. I am so confused as to why a man would want to hurt someone they are supposed to love. I mean when he gets angry it is not just a punch or a slap he will hold me down and repeatedly hit me in the head or take his nuckles like he is knocking on a door and hit me in the head that way. Why is all I want to know? If I ever did anything like that to anyone, I would feel so much shame afterwords. And he never even says I am sorry, Never. Anyways I really hope you all have some insight for me, thanks and I am so glad I found this place!
~jody
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 11:04am

How did I get out? Basically, I just got fed up. Things degenerated to the point where anything he could have done to me when I left was an improvement on staying. So, leave I did. I notified a couple burly male friends to be on standby and help me get his stuff out, let people know that I was going to give him the boot on XYZ time and day and if they didn't hear from me after that, to contact my parents and law enforcement. Then, I told him that it was over, and my friends came and helped remove his stuff. It's not normally as simple as mine, but that was how I did it. (There were no children or marriage involved.)

Why do they do it? If you ever figure it out, let me know. It's partly about control, it's partly about low self-esteem, it's partly about poor role models, and it's partly about they're just jerks. There's an Alice in Chains lyric that sums up this Motivation X: "Can't find the time/To let things be." That is, they just can't get to a place where they can be happy and allow others to be happy without stirring the pot and trying to control everything, so they do this. It's no one's fault but their own.

Not the most helpful to your situation, I know, but this is how I did it. Hopefully we will hear soon from posters with children who got out, so that they can advise you on how best to handle this aspect of things.

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Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 12:45pm

lilybelle,

I agree with everything skycat said. Now, I have two kids, DD 3 and DS 5, and have been agonizing over making a decision whether to stay or go for about 4 years now. I am FINALLY seeing that H will never change. He is emotionally abusive and that is who he is to the core. And, I'm sorry to say, you'll probably never answer the WHY. But you'll spend alot of precious energy trying to figure it out. Trust me. I have tried and tried and tried. When it comes down to it, even if you can answer that question, it isn't going to change his behavior.

It's the most difficult decision to make though. For me, when times are good, I get lulled into thinking "This isn't so bad. I can handle it. He's great with the kids. I can't break up the family." You get the point. I'm sure you've felt the same things. But, I've been married for 5 years, with him for 10, and with a few minor exceptions - he's still the same. I've slowly come to the conclusion that getting out is the healthiest decision I could ever make for myself and my kids. I finally had to put myself first in the scenario because of course I wasn't before. It's my job to protect my kids and to make sure they grow up with a good example of how a man should treat a woman, how a marriage should work, etc. I DO NOT want my son to grow up like his father and the longer I stay, the more my kids learn about how a relationship between a man and woman should NOT be. I don't want my kids to think it's normal to have a dad who is gone at least 2 nights a week and who sometimes isn't home when they get up. How long can I cover that up? They have to know it's wrong to kick and slam doors when angry. Thank God they never saw him punch a hole in the wall and thank God he's never punched me. I don't know how you've been living through that and I'm so sorry.

A good friend gave me a great analogy once. It's like when you're on a plane and the flight attendant says to grab the oxygen mask first, then help your kids. We have to put ourselves first so we can do what's best for our children.

So, take it one day at a time, do some research, hang out at this great board - and then grab the oxygen mask!!

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 1:28pm
My xh didnt change, not after he lost his wife, his kids then his job and his home. It has been 2 years and he is still angry, controlling, manipulative and violent. He tried telling me he had changed adn even played along for awhile but could not keep up the facade, just as I knew would happen. I gave him chance after chance after chance while we werre together and it never happened. It never happened becasue he is not capable of it. Why would he changed, so long as he behaved like that I was too terrified to leave/defy him so he could keep the image of family wiht the little wife and two sweet kids but then still do whatever he pleased wiht money, out drinking and no responsbility at home. Thats why they conintue to do it, anyones guess why the start (charachter defect?). The first thing you need to do is inform yourself...about domstic violence, about the effects of it on you and your child then you need to inform yourself of your options...call DV hotline, call DV shelter, if you are not ready to act yet, that is fine, but knowledge is power and he cannot control that, that is yours and yours alone. Once you have the knowledge you can use it when you are ready but I think most of us here will agree that we move at our own pace but to move we need to know what we want to move towrad. Peace, security and happiness seem to be good starters...thats what I wanted and that is exact;ly what I got, I have been away from my physically, emotionally, financially abusive h for two years now (divorce final April 9 !!!) and my first step was reading this Board and arming myself with the knowledge that others before me did.
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 12:52pm

Jody, you have most definitely found the right place.