New here, need help from moms
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| Fri, 07-16-2004 - 4:38pm |
Long story short: We went to a party Saturday night. By the time we got home he was wasted drunk and on an unprovoked tirade (he'd wanted to stop at a fast food place, but it was closed and we were late to meet the sitter, so I said we can't - but offered to make him something at home).
The next 48 hours was him screaming, destroying our home including our DD's room & my car, poking me, drawing back fists (while not quite hitting - whatever, right?), lighting off fireworks on our porch, blasting music out the front door so loud it blew my speakers, and generally being hysterical. The police had to show up twice, and I had to leave with DD as I feared for my unborn child and my DD's safety - he was acting particularly frightening toward her, kissing her loudly enough to make her cry, putting in her crib terrified and crying, smashing her door and things in her room.
Obviously this is both a drinking problem and a rage problem. He has promised to attend anger management and substance abuse classes, that it will never happen again, that he loves his family and wants us happy, that he's sorry, etc., etc., you know the drill.
And obviously I won't feel that I or my children are safe with him around until he's finished shaping up and can prove it. I hate to think this, but I guess we'll have to split up over this even though it may have been isolated. But why do I and my children have to go? Why can't HE go? This is OUR town, OUR home, and I pay the majority of the bills and can afford it myself...why should the families of abusers be run from their homes? Why can't the abusers go away instead? He would if I insisted. He knows the scope of the damage he's caused. And he'd go away peacefully if I told him to.
Is there a history of "peaceful" departures by abusers where they snap and come back to terrorize the victims? Or is this just a perceived threat that abusers hope the victims will be afraid of? I've never allowed myself into a victim role my whole life, and I'm NOT ready to now. But with my babies I am afraid my stubbornness may pose a risk to us. Do I have to go into hiding to be apart from him, or can I stand my ground and kick him to the curb? Need advice from moms with babies, especially those who had to go through childbirth and care for babies alone. Thanks in advance.

Hi Sugarpops, welcome -
I can't answer all of the questions, but I'll answer what I can -
The first question is that yes, you can have him removed from the house.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi, sugarpopsmom.
Mama Harmony
No sweat, Har.
CL-Blueliner4
I am a 26yo mom of three and BTDT. I hope by the time you have read this you are far, far away from this man.
You asked: Is there a history of "peaceful" departures by abusers where they snap and come back to terrorize the victims?
My ex (unmarried) was one of these types, were together for 3 years and split numerous times before. Our son (planned!) was 3 months old when he first raised his hand to me while holding the baby. Moments before that he had thrown a full can of soda at the back of my head, pushed me onto the floor and thrown dirt in my face. I would have taken it, until he put the baby between us. YOU NEVER KNOW when they are going to turn. I walked a short distance to his step-father and announced that I needed help getting the baby and getting away fast. There were NO warning signs that I knew of at the time. (Empasis on "that I knew of")
I obtained a restraining order THAT DAY. (It doesn't matter how long you wait, please GET ONE NOW) The day after the police accompanied me to the home to get our belongings he had me arrested for breaking and entering and theft. The following weeks were OK, we went to court, he had supervised visitation for a while. When I became comfortable with the way things were going and gave him some freedom to visit more often he took over: He manipulated my family and friends (into the same drug scene as him) to commit/assist in terrorizing not only myself, but my entire family and remaining friends. Aarson was never pinned on him... but when three locations within feet of where you work/live burn to the ground it's obvious - plus an attempt on my mother's home and numerous other things. THEN he broke the restraining order, stalked my apartment, brandished a weapon, threatned everyone in the vicinity, had my cousin help him break INTO my apartment while we were in it. I had no phone so I left the baby with two friends and dashed for a car... he tried to convince the police to take the baby away that night. His motive: The child. I kept his threatening letters to remind me not to go back.
**Are you keeping a journal? Now is a good time. Might want to think about including your entire post.
It has been seven years since this happened. We speak amicably now but it took a long time and he still hasn't changed and still professes his "Love" to me. Please, follow the advice here that you NEED. Don't underestimate the toll that DV can have on your emotions and your children. They are much too precious for that kind of trauma, and so young... there is time for healing, but no time for pain.
There is so much more to say. Your post struck me with such power... Please learn all you can about the warning signs of abuse. I am not here because of my ex, but because of my current (subtly controlling) husband, whom I married 6½ years ago. The cycle perpetuates. "They" aren't going to prove anything - EVER.
Bless you and please update.