New here & need help. please read!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
New here & need help. please read!
3
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 3:07pm
Hello, I'm new to this board & hope none of you mind listening to my story? I've been "lurking" on the board for most of the week & it's taken me this long to muster up the courage to post myself.

I'm 35 & have been married for almost 5 yrs. (in June). I've left my POSH several times. The last time I left I was away for 3 mos til he came crying that he was a "changed man." Stupid me went back to him. If it weren't for my beautiful sweet DD I think I'd end it all. She is the light of my life but at the same time it's bittersweet beacuse I know no matter what I'm stuck dealing with my H due to my DD. Does that sound right? I don't think I worded that right, please don't think badly of me. I love my DD more than anyone but wish more than ANYTHING thather biological father was ANYONE but who it is.

After the last time I went back I knew things weren't "right" after a few mos & was making plans to file for divorce. Then I found out I was pregnant. I'd had 5 miscarriages & knew I really wanted the baby. Had planned on telling my H because I knew he was not good for ANY child. But then he found out somehow & so here I am.

Just a few mos before my due date the POS moved me a state away from my family, friends & my job. I've been so isolated dealing with a premature baby & a drunk for a husband who has given me black eyes, bruises, choked me til I blacked out & spit in my face, pulled my hair. You getthe picture i'm sure. I've never told anyone. My family saw me with my black eye. No one said a thing. I kept waiting for SOMEONE to say something but they never did. The police were called to my house many times. They never did anything either. I figured this is my life & I have nothing & no one to help me out. I have no job anymore (since my DD was born) & no money so I can't afford to leave.

Finally my POS has decided to move us back to where we lived before since he has work there. This has given me a ray of hoope for the firsttime in 3 yrs. Supposedly we're moving within 8 wks. I have my old job waiting & my family & friends. I feel like maybe I can actually leave this monster for good & raise my DD in a healthy environment.

My POS hasn't actually "hit" me in about 2 yrs. But he's still screaming cuss words, slamming doors so hard the doorframe splinters, & he has spit in my face & pushed me & also flicked ashes in my face. He was pretty good for about 6 mos actually. being nice & caring. Then the true side of him resurfaced this week when my DD & I returned from our visit with my family.

I don't know what to do. I know I want to wait til we are back in CA til I leave him. He has told me many times that if I leave & take DD he'll say i take drugs, beat her, whatever. he also says that he'll kidnap her when I'm not home or that he'll see to it that he gets full custody. This man has never watched her for more than a few hrs since she was born. He's never fed her, bathed her, nothing. He makes a lot of promises to her saying he'll play with her, take her for walks, etc & then he never does anything. Also I don't leave him unattended with her for long because there have been a few times that I've seen some inappropiate things. He seems to have no problem with her hands on his crotch & I think that's wrong. plus he spends every afternoon at the bar & is usually drunk. he's not a stumbling drunk but he drinks a lot & smells like a bar. Somehow he's never gotten pulled over. I know for a fact that he also does crank on occassion though he thinks I'm stupid & know nothing.

I did go to the local Women's Center last year & saw a counselor for about 4 mos. But then we moved & the Center is 30 miles away & my car doesn't work too well. (As soon as we get back to CA I intend to go to the local Center there.) But my counselor did tell me to document EVERYTHING & I have.

Gosh, I'm really sorry to have written a novel! But any suggestions or anything would be great. I feel like I'm in a BLACKHOLE.

Sping :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 3:51pm
Spring~

Big hugs and welcome to the board. I'm so sorry that you are in the situation you are right now. I would try to call your counselor that you had been working with and try to start brainstorming. I know that it is hard for you to leave right now, but I would strongly suggest going to a shelter asap. You need to find a way back to your family and back to your support system. Is there any way you can go back and visit your family and just NOT GO BACK? Ask them to hide you or help you? I'm still aghast that NO ONE said anything about your black eye, but many times people just don't know what to say. If you tell them that you need help, that he is abusing you, that MIGHT prompt them into action.

As for all the threats about what he would do if you left with the kids (that you use drugs, beat the kids, etc) keep in mind he HAS TO PROVE IT and trust me, it is NOT that easy. If you have been working with a counselor, you have just bolstered your position. These types of men will use all sorts of idle threats to keep us fearful and keep us in "our place". He hasn't hit you in the past 2 years probably because he doesn't need to anymore....he probably has you flinching every time that he makes a gesture that he doesn't need to go to that level. But be careful about pushing him, because he's done it before, he is MORE than capable of doing it again.

You and your daughter deserve a much better life than this. I'm sure that others here will probably give much better advice...these are just some of my random thoughts!

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 9:46am
Spring,

You say you have documented everything and have seen a counselor. You have a big lead on him just because of that. You have proof of what he has done to you and to your child. I doubt he's taken the time to document anything. Do your best to get out of there as soon as you can-either to family or to a shelter. Money or no money, there are people who can help you get back on your feet on your own. If you can stay with family for a while, you say your old job is waiting. Maybe you could stay with family, work for a bit and save some money and then be on your own. You don't want your daughter to grow up like that, seeing her mother afraid and possibly being hurt herself. Best wishes to you.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:38am
Hi Spring...welcome to the board, I'm so glad you posted.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou