New here (sorry -very long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
New here (sorry -very long)
1
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 6:36pm

Hi, I'm new here & hoping to find a little support from people who have been there...

I am 31 & have been married 9 years, together 15. We have 2 ds (3.5 & 1.5) who are my world & my reason to live.

H comes from a family where emotional abuse is the norm; his father has ultimate control over his mother & neither of them sees this as a problem. She says he is just taking care of her. She is the one who works full-time (he choses not to work) yet he controls all the money.

I come from a family where both parents are equals & partners. Their relationship has not always been perfect but they have respect for each other so have been able to maintain thir marriage.

After the birth of 2nd ds I suffered from ppd & am still taking meds. I took a chance & returned to work when he was only 8mths (we are allowed 1 year mat-leave here)hoping to get a permanent position (which I did after only 1 month back to work).

In the past 5 years we have changed cities 2x, both times for H career. Until just over a year ago I was unable to find a satisfying job. I have now found my calling & truly enjoy my new career. I feel fulfilled in this area of my life.

Problem is that since I returned to work, my H has become more & more controlling. He calls at work, emails me constently, stops by the office, asks me who I am taking to, checks my messages, he read my emails. He makes me doubt my every decision, my ability to be independant. He has accused me of having an affair. When I finally made him realise that I had not had an affair he decided at the very least it was emotional affair & that the reason he felt the need to "pull-me in" was because he felt me slipping away. I tried to explain to him that I felt suffocated & that was the reason I was pulling away from him - I NEEDED SPACE.

I work at a community college, H accused me of having an affair with a student I was trying to help. We did develop a relationship, but I don't feel I did anything different that any of my co-workes would have done. I was able to get this student to trust me by showing him that I trusted him - nobody else had been able to get through to this student. BTW - I am not a counsellor, social worker or teacher & the student is an adult.

I asked him to move out about 2 weeks ago. He did, but still calls everyday & comes to see dks. I feel so much stress when he's around - like I can't breath. I feel guilty about the way he is feeling - like if I just asked him to move back he would not be so hurt. We are seeking counselling & he now admits the problem & says he is very sorry & will do anything to not lose me.

I am guilty of lying to my H. I was/am afraid of his reactions &/or accusations. Since he has left I have had an affair. Part of me justified this by saying well, if I'm going to pay for it, then I might as well have the fun (BTW - H was the only person I had ever been with). This is an ongoing thing - not a one-night thing. I know I should end it - but not sure I want to.

Anyway...that is probably way TMI for now...but I really needed to get it out...thanks for listening...if you got this far

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 9:52am

Hi toostressedforlove...let me first say that I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. The guilt can be tough to deal with, but the truth is that his hurt is the natural consequence of his own actions, which you know already. He is to reap what he sows, that is God's law, and we are to allow people to reap what they sow instead of interfering, as that is how we learn. He is hurt, but your decision will not really harm him, and if he has any sense at all, it will help him in the long run. Issuing severe consequences for destructive behavior such as his is the only chance he has of really getting better. But the thing about an abusive person such as your husband is that they don't believe they deserve the consequences. They generally see what they do as justified. They whine about how unfair it is and get mad that they have to deal with it and many seek revenge. They are very closed-minded and self-righteous. Most abusers react like yours for a little while - claim to understand the problem and that they will do ANYTHING to stay together. But when it comes right down to it, they don't understand and they unless they do there is no way things will change. A lot of men sincerely believe that it is their right to be in control. Please read the documents on the home page, learn as much about domestic abuse and violence that you can, particularly How to Tell if He's Changing or Not so you can make educated decisions. Knowledge is Power. I would highly recommend that regardless of where you go in the future, that you never, ever, never tell him about the affair. While you might not believe that what you're doing is right, you do not deserve the abuse that you will get if you do reveal it to him. Abusers do not let things go. It will be used to control, hurt, and abuse you further. A word about counseling, it is not recommended in any situation where violence is a possibility, and with controlling people, violence is always a possibility. Please research that as well so you can make the best decision about you. At this point, I think it would be in your best interest that you keep yours and your children's best interests and top of mind, above his. And that you review safety information, as well. Best of luck to you.