New here..just lookign for others

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2004
New here..just lookign for others
2
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 3:24pm

Hi

I am new here. Married for almost 4 years and have a 14 month old DD. I know my H is verbally abusive but I guess I am just wondering how others handle it. I don't want to leave him b/c of my DD. I am in therapy (which H won't do). he blames me for everything.

Here are some examples of his behavior. First off he is a total control freak. It has come to the point here I ask him before I do anyhitng b/c I am so worried he will get mad. I am so not like this in any thing else. I am usually very independent. He plays little games to express his control. For example, before I went to the grocery store I asked H if he wanted anything. He didn't answer. I asked him 3 more times before I left. As I was walking out the door he start rattling off his list. He talks to me when he is ready, not when I ask him a question or try to engage in conversation. For every compliment he gives me about 10 digs. he says they are just part of his dry humor! He isn't helpful with our DD at all although she adores him. I don;t ask for anyhitng except 10 minutes here and there to shower alone or cook dinner. I have asked probably in total of 5 times to put her to bed and he has never changed a diaper. When I ask him to help more he tells me I wanted her so it is all my responsibility. You see H had announced he wasn't ready to have children at one point (after we had decided that we would). I ended up pregnant a few months later. When I found out I was pregnant, H was awful. Announced he was leaving and I was never going to see him again. He never once asked me how I was feeling. The sight of my growing tummy repulsed him and he never came any dr's appts.

About every 6-8 weeks H has a freak out. One time it was b/c I asked him if he wanted lunch before leaving on a trip and he didn't like what I offered. Another time it was b/c i asked him to leave the room where I wad trying to put our DD down for a nap b/c he was watching TV. When this happens, he yells, tells me he hates me. Tells me we are getting a divorce and that I disgust him. makes derogatory remarks about me seeing a therapist and also about my family. He sometimes calls me unspeakable names. I used ti yell back but now I just try to walk away or leave if possible.

When H isn't mad or putting me down he is very fun to be around. We laugh and he can be real handy and helpful as far as the house is concerned. He does well financially and I am grateful that I have been able to stay home with my DD.

I am not saying I am perfect by any means. I can be a nag at times especially when I start to resent him and l the freedom he has. But I really try to be mindful of what he needs.

I have never seen myself as someone who would get a divorce so that is why I am not asking if you think I shoudl.My H may one day decide I am just too awful and leave but that would be his decision. I am just asking for any coping strategies or just to see if anyone else lives in M's like these. I know reading this myself I seems like my H is a total jerk and he isn't really. I do love him and would like to make this work. I guess a part of me is just looking for that "misery loves company" feel or wondering if maybe part of this is normal.

Thank you for letting me vent..

Moo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 5:28pm

Hi, moocow, and welcome to the board.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 11:41pm
All abusers have their good points and good times mixed in with the bad. One day you may decide that it isn't worth putting up with the bad to get the good. Because it may be too painful and more than you want to deal with. You are teaching your daughter how to have a relationship with a man.