New Here...just looking for support

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
New Here...just looking for support
9
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 2:19pm

Well, here's the short of my story...

Back in August 2004, my then husband (now ex-husband) took the "little" abuse that was previously going on, up to the next level. To make a long story short, he thought I was cheating on him with a guy at work, and he went off. Funny thing is that I prosecute domestic violence, yet I put up with misdemeanor level DV for years. This went way into the felony realm. He hit me a lot, strangled me, and held a gun to my head. Bad stuff. Anyway, I filed a police report the next day when he let me leave our house. He was charged with several felonies and eventually sentneced to 6 year in prison (of which he'll serve an additional 4 1/2 with good time credit). The divorice was final in October.

The hardest part of all of this is that we have 2 sons. ages 7 and 2. My 7 year old really misses his father and as much as I hate ExH, I hate even more that DS saw most of what happened and is so torn up over his dad being gone. I know that getting him in prison where he can not get to me and also get the help that he needs is the right thing to do, but how do I help my DS?

And another annoying thing... I feel so guilty for "sending" him to prison (I did afterall stand up at sentnecing and ask that he get 12 years). The judge would have probably given him probation but for what I had to say. I REALLY hate feeling that way. I know it is not my fault, but still...

Anyway, I am going to counseling and so is my DS. But I thought that it might help to talk with people who are going through or been through the dame things.

TIA,
Lara

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 2:34pm

Welcome to the board Law...


First of all I commend you for prosecuting DV.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 9:23pm

Lara, I've felt it too. In fact it's within the past two weeks that the knee-jerk guilt reaction has begun to break down, and it's almost eight months since the divorce was final. I've had time to think about all he did to me, especially the criminal aspects, and gotten a lot of validation around that. I've had minimal contact with him, kept my address private, and hung up the phone whenever he got out of line. The kinks are still coming out. It takes time.

For what it's worth, you absolutely did not "send him" to prison. The judicial system did and frankly, it did a rotten job. He ought to be put away for the better part of his miserable life. I'm finding out we have to fight much harder than we ought for the measure of justice we get. For all you did, thank you. On behalf of the next victim he's not hunting now, thank you.

I'm so sorry your son has this to work through. It's terribly hard but it is possible. You're doing all you can by having him in therapy. Talk to his therapist frequently about what he needs from you and know that whatever you both feel is right.

Welcome and best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 6:18pm
Thank you ladies for your support and understanding. I'm staying strong and just taking each day as it comes. I'm already drawing strength from all the strong women here!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 9:04am
I don't want to ask you for personal info you didn't want to offer. But just generally speaking, I was curious, can you give you the types of physical violence that would be considered felonies? I think it would be good to know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 9:24am
I was wondering about that too Hope. I think that is a good question. My ex did some pretty awful things, but was only charged with misdemeanor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 1:47pm
Generally, any physical abuse which either results in or presents a risk of causing "great bodily harm" is a felony (in New Mexico at least). Great bodily harm is a rather odd term, and somewhat difficult to exactlyt define, but includes strangulation, temporary or permenant disfigurment or loss of use of a limb or organ. Felonies also include sexual abuse, use of a weapon in either an assault or battery, child abuse as a result of the children being present and in harm's way, extortion by using the children to insure compliance with the abuse, kidnapping or false imprisionment by not allowing the person to leave or forcing the person to go somewhere. There are many other things, I'm sure. I hope I have answered your question, if not, feel free to ask more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 1:52pm

I think that it is always a good idea also, that if you don't think that what has been charged is adequate, talk to the police officer/prosecutor. There may very well be things that the officer didn't realize. For example, often, I will get a police report that just says the suspect grabbed the victim by the throat, but when I talk with the victim, she tells me that he grabbed her by the throat and squeezed until she could not breathe. That's strangulation, and where I live it is likely to be a felony. Often it will have just been charged as a misdemeanor battery against a household member.

I strongly believe that it up to us, either as survivors or as friends of victims, to speak up when we don't think that what happened is being properly prosecuted.

*leaves soapbox*

Sorry, this is quite a touchy subject for me on soooooo many levels.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 2:00pm

Be touchy!

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 10:36pm
what happens when the actual "victim" is coerced (by the abuser) to plead guilty and the "victim" is jailed for DV? How many times does this happen in the justice system?
Images hosted by photobucket.com