New to the message board and having a hard time

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
New to the message board and having a hard time
13
Tue, 04-19-2011 - 10:18am

I will try to keep this as brief as possible. Everyone here knows the details and issues that goes on in a bad relationship. My problem right now is that I am having a hard time making myself understand that it wasn't my fault and that it was a bad relationship. I have been married for 14 years to an emotional/sexual abusive man. There has always been something bad happen even during the "suppose to be fun" times. He has never hit me, but became verbally abusive when I started letting him know that I was unhappy. Long story short, I got scared one night, because of his body language and his words so I left. I went back a few days later to get some clothes for work and he had changed the locks. He never told me he changed them. Needless to say, changing the locks made my mind up to file for a divorce. (I had left a couple of times for a couple of days, but kept going back until I had an nervous breakdown). He said, "He knew that I knew he changed the locks and that I should have asked him about it, he didn't have to tell me". I am seeing a very good Christian Counselor, but wanted to hear from others that have lived through it.

I said this was going to be short, but I guess not. Do you come to a time where you understand that it wasn't your fault? The silent treatments, the hiding of all the finanical information including how much money we had, the only having sex when and how he wanted it. Is that not normal? I really need some assurance and guidance, please.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 04-19-2011 - 11:05am

Hi;

I understand what you are saying. I have been where you are. My marriage with a verbally and mentally abusive man lasted about 8 years and then I left..

First things first;; Your hubby cannot change the locks on the doors just because he wants to.Is it his house or apt? If your name is on the lease or deed of house you can go back there with the police and get your things.

So you need a few things.. A lawyer; a support group; therapy..

I also blamed myself for awhile but its not exactly blaming.. What it is; is taking responsbility for the relationship; abusive or not. You might want to see your part in this.. I was abused but for years I knew that I had a part in the bad relationship. So when you see and realize that it will become clear why you attracted an abusive man and why you stayed and on and on. That is deal with in support groups and therapy and soul searching for yourself. Look into your self esteem and self worth.

The lega stuff is dealt by lawyers and courts and laws in your state. Check out womenslaw.org.

Keep us updated.

Oh; You also might want to contact your local domestic violence shelter and agency and see if they can help you sort this out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 04-19-2011 - 11:34am

An abusive controller ALWAYS makes sure that the victim feels guilty.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 04-19-2011 - 11:54am

Welcome to the board, confused.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 04-19-2011 - 11:56am
Ooops, just realized I meant to say "freeatlast", not frustratedwith3. Sorry.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011

Thank you to all of you for your posts. It helps so much to hear other people's stories and to assure me that I am not crazy. This is also my first time posting on a message board. I liked reading them and learned from them, but didn't want to sound like I was whining. I guess that is from years of the marriage I had.

To "Freeatlast2008": I did get a good lawyer and had to go to court to get access to the house (for one day) to get only my clothes. The judge also ended up having me pay half the mortgage even though I did not have access, but I will be entitled to 1/2 the equity when it sells. I was 20 years old when we got married and he is nine years older than me. I was so in love with the idea of being married, having a home, a family, etc.

To Fissatore: The counselor I am seeing specializes in domestic/marital abuse. Oddly enough, he is a male, but very good and understanding and says that he will reassure me that I am not crazy for as long as it takes. He is the one that made me realize that I was part of sexual abuse. I had never even considered that. That moment I realize that was like a punch in the gut. We did not have children, despite how much I wanted them. We tried to get pregnant (at least I did). Now, looking at it, I remember him & his previous wife could not have children and he refused with me to go and get any tests done. I suspect he knew all along that he could not. However, when I decided to leave I got a letter from him apologizing for the way he treated me and that he wanted to try to adopt or go for IVF. A little to late and bad timing on his part. I am so thankful now that I do not have children.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

He is likely NOT GOING to change. As you have read the books, 99% do not change..they just change their tactics. You have no kids..you can truly move on..make a better life for yourself..get married to the right person and have kids. Maintain NO CONTACT. If he can't maintain the house you can get an order for him to be out and you have the right to sell. Someone I know

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is very true that it is a common ploy for abusive people to say that they will change, but they never really do and it's a trick to get you back under their control. It's the typical abuse cycle. I know it's hard, and even though it has been years for me, I catch myself sometimes still getting caught up in thinking it was all somehow my fault. I'm glad you found this message board and are getting counseling. Support and constant reminders that you need to keep out of that situation are the best medicine to begin to heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
The most disturbing part of this is when you decided to leave THEN all of a sudden he wants a baby. That's a ploy to reel you back in. You'd really be stuck if you had a kid with this guy.
sweets35
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011

Thank you for responding. The "no contact" was really hard at first, but has gotten somewhat better. The counselor pointed out to me that for years, my attitude or feelings were based on how he was at that time. So, it was hard for me to break contact, because I still needed to know how he felt. It has gotten easier, but he did succeed in contacting me over this past weekend. I did not respond to it. I decactivated my facebook account. We have a court order to sell the house, unless he wants to buy me out. So hopefully, this will go quickly, God willing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011

Thank you. It is hard for me in thinking it was my fault, because when you hear "abuse" you think of hitting and all verbal. My counselor is trying to work with me to get me to understand that the silent treatment and the financial issues and the control issues are all part of abuse. I was isolated from friends and some family and also questioned if I spoke to anyone or was a little late coming home from work. When I say this out loud or type it, it all makes sense, but in my head it just doesn't. You think, "Was it really that bad?" I know it was, but it is just so hard to understand. He makes me feel so sorry for him. Oh, the stories I could tell you all and I know it was bad. I just need to get it through my head.

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