new relationships after abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
new relationships after abuse
4
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 12:08am
I know it is a bit too early for me to be considering this, but I am feeling so depressed over this and wondered how other people dealt with it. When I think of the possibility of having a new relationship once this nasty court business is over, I can't help but think it is impossible. I was walking past a couple holding eachother just the other day and was surprised at my own reaction. I wasn't at all jealous or wishing I had someone. Quite the contrary, I looked at the guy and caught myself feeling angry at the guy and thinking he is being nice now but then he will turn ugly once he has her. The rational side of me said not all men are the same, nor all women for that matter, and it was pretty sad for me to be feeling this way. But then the confused side of me questioned how I could ever possibly have another relationship when I can't get over my paranoia that every guy gets what he wants by hurting. I am in counseling by the way, but nothing seems to be able to shake this feeling and I feel as if I have lost my ability to trust. How do you get over the fear that any new guy might become the monster you once knew? How do you tell that he really is the nice guy you hope him to be? How do you ever learn to love? In my case, that monster was the first and only guy I had ever been with. Good Lord, I don't even know how to kiss or hug a guy even at my age. All I knew was the very uncomfortable, agressive way he showed me, which was always void of any emotion and sometimes even painful and always conditional. How will I ever find love if I never had it in the first place? I am not a teenager anymore..........
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 8:37am
This is probably the wrong answer, but I have decided for myself that I will take the good in a relationship for however long it lasts and just leave when it gets bad without looking back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 10:04am
First of all, be kind and gentle to yourself.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 10:12am

<< I will take the good in a relationship for however long it lasts and just leave when it gets bad without looking back.>>

'Just leaving' isn't quite so simple when you're involved in a relationship though is it? I'm sure all most of us have hypothetically said if it were to happen again, I'd leave. I was one of them. :(

I like your screen name Hope :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 1:23pm
It's not simple. But in my situation, I would just do it. I make enough money to support myself and my kids. If I didn't like the relationship or marriage anymore, not necessarily that it was abusive, you just do it one step at a time and go. You get another place, you pack your stuff, you register the kids in new schools and you go. It's a lot of work, but what is my alternative? Stay and get treated like crap and have my kids see it?