New Tactics...
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| Tue, 07-13-2004 - 3:05pm |
Which leads me to his latest tactic... he's the victim.
Oh, my poor dear H has put up with so much over the years, and he's been waiting for years for me to stop being angry. Selective memory, huh? I'd say. I know I'm not perfect. I've had an affair, and have had crushes on others... (and fantasized about life in a 'normal' marriage). There are things in my past that I'm not proud of, and he didn't know about me before we got married, but after he read about them in my diaries he held those things over my head for years.
Anyway... he has no interest in anything anymore. He has no reason to work on the house. He does nothing but eat, sleep, and go to work. He drinks between 3-6+ beers every evening... I don't know exactly how many because he crushes some of the beer cans and throws them in the trash in the basement. But I can count the number of times I hear a can opened (occasionally it's only a Coke).
I'm tired... but I'm to the point where I actually feel fine. His emotional status is affecting me less and less... very little at this point... and I know things will end at some point. I'm going on with my life, and doing things... I still don't go out as freely as I would if he weren't around, but I'm still going out... and I invite him to join us (our 6 year old and me).
He discovered something I printed out about emotional abuse last summer. Now... HE is the victim. I am the one in control. Maybe I am in a way, but if I had that much control, I'd run the house and the finances a bit differently than I handle them now. I'm just frustrated with his statment that HE is the victim. I guess he's always been the victim... his entire life... and now that I don't love him, he's the victim again. Forget about the put-downs and the moping and emotional control he has exerted over me over the years... if I were this perfect little wife that would just give him all the attention he desires, things would be perfect. NOT. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Maybe I should have tried harder... but I am me. No-one else. I may not be good enough for him... but you know what... I am good enough for myself. There's room for improvement... there always is. BUT, I am a good person. I am a good mother. I'm just not a good wife for this husband.
I'm not looking to leave anymore. I'm looking to stay in the house... and keep something stable for DS. Besides... I don't make enough money to be able to afford a decent house in a decent neighborhood. He does. That doesn't mean I'm not preparing for whatever may happen, however. If I have to leave I will, but I'd rather not... I'm to a point where I'm willing to let go of everything I *own* if I have to. (I'm not willing to let go of my son under any circumstances).
Thanks for putting up with my rant.
Phoenix

I relate well to what you have written, except it has been in the course of days/weeks that his victimized side has surfaced. Like you, I decided to stay for the same reasons. Time will tell, as it goes.
You Wrote: <<>>>
We must be married to the same man. Have you considered going to Al-Anon meetings? (or have you been?) I wanted to go, decided I would... but at the last moment couldn't for the life of me find an excuse to leave the house at night.
I'm not sure which is worse; writing things down and having them thrown in your face for thinking or feeling a certain way... or not feeling comfortable enough to keep a journal like that. Before I knew about EA, I seriously believed that I was "mental". Reading your update put things in a bit better sense. I hope that sharing you aren't alone helps in some tiny way.
Sorry, that's all I've got. *hugs*
J
Thanks so much for your reply. I think one of the greatest things about this board aside from the advice, is the validation that you're (I'm) not totally crazy and having a place to vent. I'm glad my update was helpful to you at least in part.
I hadn't thought about Al-Anon at all. I'll see what I can find out... at least look into it. I'd have trouble finding an excuse to leave for any kind of meeting... he'd ask if I was going out "to meet my boyfriend." That's part of why I take DS with me everywhere... it avoids the question of what I'm doing in most cases... and besides, I'd have a harder time getting out and doing stuff if I didn't just take him along. I'm still very much the primary care-giver.
Hugs,
pm