The new woman in his life

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
The new woman in his life
18
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 12:13am
Do most abusive partners hook up with someone else immediately after a separation or a divorce? Do any of them spend very much time alone in between relationships? I try so hard to focus on myself and not my husband's new relationship. However, there are days that all I can think about is whether there is something about her that will provoke him to change or treat her with more respect. Rationally, I know that can't be true, but sometimes I cannot stop those thoughts. Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 8:53am
I was honestly just glad and relieved when my ex husband got a girlfriend. Now he can focus on some one else instead of on me and he's gone from almost daily phone calls to two phonecalls a month. Even if that was true, that there was something about the new woman that changed him, it doesn't matter, because between you two there was abuse. I don't believe that anyways. It isn't as easy as changing relationships, abusers will always be this way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 2:49pm
I suppose I should have been grateful that he found another girlfriend. I just never expected it to happen so soon. He acted like such a loner with me. Then, he would not take my calls when I needed to talk to him about property division, the house, etc. It's hard to believe that 10 years are gone, poof, just like that. I do know that he tried to make me look like some sort of stalker with his new girlfriend. I guess I just need to realize that relationships with abusers are not based on love, so I cannot comprehend what goes on in his mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 3:16pm
Try not to be so hard on yourself hun.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 3:45pm
Of course he's going to make you look like the bad guy to his new girlfriend. That's my ex did with me, he told his girlfriend I was controlling. That way she gets to believe he's a good guy, the problems were all your fault and he just got stuck with some psycho and the relationship didn't work cause of that. Then she gets to go on a little ego about what a wonderful person she is and gets to fantasize about what a great guy he is, then when reality sets in he's got it all set up to where she'll blame herself for the abuse. Then in time she'll probably realize the truth and get away from him and the pattern just gets repeat with another woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 4:12pm

Hope,

I think you are exactly right. Looking back, that is just how he set things up with me. He did not tell me much about his girlfriend before me. However, he told me just enough for me to feel like she 'did not understand him' and she was the bad guy in the relationship. Now I understand some things. He told me: that she did not like him going hunting on the weekends, she wanted to go out and party all of the time, her mom was dying of cancer and she cheated on him. Now I understand the meaning of all of that. She did not want him going hunting all the time - by that she meant literally all of the time. He left me alone every single weekend during hunting season. She wanted to party all of the time - by that she meant that she wanted to go out and do something, anything. By the time we separated, I don't think I had even been out to dinner with my husband in 3 years. He never wanted to do ANYTHING with me. Her mom was dying of cancer and she cheated on him - her mom was dying of bone cancer (very slow and painful), since my husband did not know how to express empathy, I am sure that he was no comfort to her. Someone else was. She turned to that person. When my father was ill, I had to actually call my husband and ask him to come sit with me at the hospital during his surgery. I could have easily fallen for another man during that time if he had been a comfort to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 4:13pm

Hi hon -


This is fairly common in abuse for a variety of reasons.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 5:13pm

Blimey, you just described my ex-marriage. Oh, his ex-wife was so horrible/lazy/demanding/nasty. Yes, I was so wonderful.
Yes he finally moved on from me with a new woman.

Now how about this?
His first marriage - he was 20, she was 19
He got together with me when he was 28 - I was 19
At the age of 38 he finally moved on from stalking me when he met his new girlfriend. Yes, you've guessed - she was 19!

Is that man sick or what?

I've no idea where he is now. And I don't want to know. I'm just glad he isn't bugging me anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 8:26pm
wow what a coincidence,lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 9:07am

Hey girl,

You are getting the picture! It's about them, it always will be. It's funny the situations are all different, but the outcome is always the same. Hang in there and say a prayer for that other woman. One of the things that an abuser does is condition you to focus your entire self on them. So when you finally break free, your mind has to learn it is no longer about them...that is really hard. It's your life now and you can do whatever you want. Take your time, learn about yourself and you will be amazed how wonderful life can be. You will eventually quit focusing on everyone else's needs and realize that it's your life and every moment you waste focusing on what was, you just lost a precious moment that you could have done something positive. Been there, done that...still do it sometimes. Now when I do it, I slap myself on the head and say...quit that Terry!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 12:30pm

Thanks Terry.

It does take a long time to realize what is happening/has happened. It is amazing to realize that my husband said so little and did so little, and yet, my focus was all on him. I know that was the point for him. He once filled out a survey for a class reunion. There was a question that asked how he thought others perceived him. His response was, "Hard to figure out". He liked to be mysterious and keep people guessing. He loved those mind games. Now, I understand how that works to draw you and in and make you feel like you are nuts. I spent half my marriage in bed, sleeping, very depressed. Now I realize why. Yes, I am prone to that and he knew that. However, that gave him the perfect weapon to use against me. I was unhappy - so we could not bring children into our family. I was unhappy - so he decided not to talk to me. I was unhappy - so he thought it was best if he leave me alone for the weekend. I was unhappy - so he figured I did not want his help. I was unhappy and not feeling sexual - therefore he turned to pornography.....and on and on. Then, naturally, the physical stuff started: the migraine headaches, etc. I kept thinking telling myself that I had to snap out of it. Now I understand that you really cannot 'snap out of it' while you are emeshed in it.
I had it all backwards. I thought that if I 'snapped out of it', my husband would treat me better.

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