The new woman in his life
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The new woman in his life
| Fri, 04-22-2005 - 12:13am |
Do most abusive partners hook up with someone else immediately after a separation or a divorce? Do any of them spend very much time alone in between relationships? I try so hard to focus on myself and not my husband's new relationship. However, there are days that all I can think about is whether there is something about her that will provoke him to change or treat her with more respect. Rationally, I know that can't be true, but sometimes I cannot stop those thoughts. Any advice?

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I too kept telling myself to 'snap out of it' in hopes he would treat me better, that it was all in my head.
Kuddos to you to realize that you are not ready to jump back into the dating game right away. Getting into a relationship before you are ready can only lead to more frustation. You are still vulnerable and can easily attach yourself to someone very similar to the situation you left. There are so many things you need to overcome, the low self-esteem, paranoia and lack of trust. There is alot of healing that needs to take place. We've all been there. That is what is great about this board. You can be honest and truthful with no one judging you.
I was married for 27 years and people ask me why I stayed so long, I just say because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. It takes a long time to realize that what you are suppose to do is be happy and comfortable in your life and with yourself. No one, especially your significant other should make you feel less than who you are. It's your life and the people around you should be adding to it, not taking away. When you are missing your marriage, you are just missing a false comfort zone of something you were used to. Having to rely on yourself and your own feelings is scary at first, but eventually that will be your new comfort zone.
Hang in there,
Terry
Hi everyone,
I am very scared of getting involved with the same type of person and not being able to see it. I thought I was so lucky when I married my husband. I thought that I had finally gotten it right. I had been in an abusive relationship before, but it was overt and blatant abuse. I thought my big, gentle giant husband was not capable of any kind of abuse. I just did not understand the true lack of connection and then later the cruelty involved with refusing to talk to me about our marriage or kids or anything else. Then, I when I did start to see it, I was astonished at his level of self absorption. As others have already told me here, abusive people are extremely selfish. It was unbelievable at times. Then, my husband started getting credit for doing things that any normal human being would do. One year, he did not even come out of the bedroom on my birthday. He slept all day. I, of course, talked about how tired he was from working. My parents came and brought lunch, etc. He never showed his face. So, naturally, the next year when he made an appearance for my birthday, he got a lot of 'points'. Another example: I had to put one of my horses down last year. He showed up when the vet came to do it. The neighbors gave him so much credit for showing up. That's absurd when you think about it. Most husbands would have been there in a heart beat. It was not until later that day that I realized that he had not been out there with me all those nights when I was nursing a sick horse until the early hours of the morning. He had not even called me on the cell phone during the nights to see how I was doing. The man simply did not care and he did not seem to have the capacity for empathy. That is why I was shocked to find out that he was already spending all of his time with another woman and her kids! I did not think he was even capable of that.
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