The new woman in his life

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
The new woman in his life
18
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 12:13am
Do most abusive partners hook up with someone else immediately after a separation or a divorce? Do any of them spend very much time alone in between relationships? I try so hard to focus on myself and not my husband's new relationship. However, there are days that all I can think about is whether there is something about her that will provoke him to change or treat her with more respect. Rationally, I know that can't be true, but sometimes I cannot stop those thoughts. Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 2:15pm

I too kept telling myself to 'snap out of it' in hopes he would treat me better, that it was all in my head.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 3:49pm
Our husbands do sound a lot alike. The only difference is that mine used silence and 'looks' intead of words. I always had to wonder what he was thinking. Of course, my guesses were usually negative. I also became suicidal. Not directly, but I had suicidal thoughts all of the time. I never ever imagined myself to entertain those thoughts. I am realizing, as you said, that it is a long haul back up. Just divorcing and getting them out of your life is not the end of it. It is just the beginning. You know you have gotten to a very low level of self esteem when you wish that you could have that bad marriage back. That is why I will not date at all right now. I have been separated for 1 year, but I am still not ready.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 5:55am

Kuddos to you to realize that you are not ready to jump back into the dating game right away. Getting into a relationship before you are ready can only lead to more frustation. You are still vulnerable and can easily attach yourself to someone very similar to the situation you left. There are so many things you need to overcome, the low self-esteem, paranoia and lack of trust. There is alot of healing that needs to take place. We've all been there. That is what is great about this board. You can be honest and truthful with no one judging you.

I was married for 27 years and people ask me why I stayed so long, I just say because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. It takes a long time to realize that what you are suppose to do is be happy and comfortable in your life and with yourself. No one, especially your significant other should make you feel less than who you are. It's your life and the people around you should be adding to it, not taking away. When you are missing your marriage, you are just missing a false comfort zone of something you were used to. Having to rely on yourself and your own feelings is scary at first, but eventually that will be your new comfort zone.

Hang in there,

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 12:53pm

Hi everyone,

I am very scared of getting involved with the same type of person and not being able to see it. I thought I was so lucky when I married my husband. I thought that I had finally gotten it right. I had been in an abusive relationship before, but it was overt and blatant abuse. I thought my big, gentle giant husband was not capable of any kind of abuse. I just did not understand the true lack of connection and then later the cruelty involved with refusing to talk to me about our marriage or kids or anything else. Then, I when I did start to see it, I was astonished at his level of self absorption. As others have already told me here, abusive people are extremely selfish. It was unbelievable at times. Then, my husband started getting credit for doing things that any normal human being would do. One year, he did not even come out of the bedroom on my birthday. He slept all day. I, of course, talked about how tired he was from working. My parents came and brought lunch, etc. He never showed his face. So, naturally, the next year when he made an appearance for my birthday, he got a lot of 'points'. Another example: I had to put one of my horses down last year. He showed up when the vet came to do it. The neighbors gave him so much credit for showing up. That's absurd when you think about it. Most husbands would have been there in a heart beat. It was not until later that day that I realized that he had not been out there with me all those nights when I was nursing a sick horse until the early hours of the morning. He had not even called me on the cell phone during the nights to see how I was doing. The man simply did not care and he did not seem to have the capacity for empathy. That is why I was shocked to find out that he was already spending all of his time with another woman and her kids! I did not think he was even capable of that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 2:51pm
I can remember a time, and this was about two yrs ago.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 4:47pm
I know in my case, my ex can't be alone. He keeps jumping quickly from one relationship to another, sometimes they even overlap! LOL. He wants control in the relationship right away, moves her in just weeks later. We've been divorced only 3 yrs, he's had 3 live in girlfriends in that time, and a fiance which he married in Dec. We'll see how long she lasts, lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 11:16pm
Yes, the disappointing special occasions. The nicest gifts (not necessarily expensive, just thoughtful) that I got from my husband were during our courtship. After that, he started the running to the store after dinner to get a card thing. I know that we are all guilty of that sometimes, but he did it for every occasion. Interestingly, after we had already decided to separate he actually gave me a gift for Valentine's day? Very odd. Did your ex pretend to be more interested in his child when you first met him? I remember my husband talking about "kids this" and "kids that" until after we got married. He was always going somewhere with his friends and their kids, supposedly, when we met. He never even met my niece. She was born 2 years before we separated and she looked just like me. He never even laid eyes on her once.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 11:22pm
I will always wonder why these guys get married? I guess they must know deep down that they are disturbed and they believe that is the only way to keep someone for very long? I know that, early in my marriage, I often said that if I had lived with my husband first then I would not have married him. That is probably not true, I would have still talked myself into believing that he would have been different in marriage. At that time, I was referring to his unwillingness to help me with anything around the house. I had not even realized the emotional pain that he would cause me. You would just think that they would keep bouncing around from woman to woman rather than get married. However, if they did that then they would always have to be on their best behavior. They could not become lazy, apathetic and completely unreliable like my husband was for so many years.

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