Newbie!!! And I need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Newbie!!! And I need help
5
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 7:53pm
I am a 27 years old I have been married for 5 and a half years, but been with him for 11 years we have 3 boys 9,7,2..and he is very Verbally and mentally abusive..he has hit me in the past but does not do it constantly....He degrades me calls me all sorts of bad names and puts me down constantly...He always says I never feed my kids, I never spend time with them and I am a bad mother....He screams at my at the top of his lungs and does not care who is here...All he does for me is pays the rent, does not give me money for food or anythings else. But yet according to him he does the world....I work full time,and come home and take care of my kids,.. I know in my heart I am a good mother...I just dont know where to turn too, he wont leave and if I leave I have no where to go..any suggestions or comments I would greatly appreciate it :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 8:57pm
Hi Jeszrom welcome to the board.You're in a world of hurt,confusion,aren't you due to all the forms of abuse he uses on you to maintain the power he needs to have,to feel through control.All these things condition you to think,to feel,and to be a certain way.By reading all that you can here,to include the homepage(if you haven't already)posting,questioning,validating much in your mind/heart you will be able to begin to find your answers.You will become more empowered.Much of this helps to see how you have been conditioned to include not being able to see past the fears of the unknown.You know the kind...the voice that whispers,how will I make it out there by myself,where will I go,how will the kids survive it,no one will ever want me again yet at the same time there's a silent scream going on inside that you want it stopped.You want the pain,the abuse,the confusion,the aching loneliness that living in the name of love with an abuser brings.

A good way to start in the finding of your answers,to remove the doubts,to help you plan for a way out of abuse is to contact your local shelter.The resources they offer is not just a place to stay.They can offer help in the way of legal,resources in financial,counseling and most of all hope.There's also much to be gained through consulting an attorney.Consults are usually free,and by talking with one you can plan,know what you can expect in the sense of options in financial,and in living arrangements possibly.Talking with the attorney removes alot of the unknown fears and helps you to plan better towards a goal of leaving should you choose to do so.Just by doing these things,you can and will begin to feel hope in a future without abuse,and belief in yourself that you can do it.With this you can plan,and grow towards that until you are ready to leave.I say that as long as you are not in immediate danger,if you are,then please seek the shelter for safety housing.

Please know you are welcome to continue posting,reading and joining in to other posts as well.My best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 6:05am
welcome jeszrom. You have come to the right place. Nobody ever expects to be here but what I have found is that you are quickly made to feel at home. The women (and men should there be any) are very supportive and will give you the advise and materials you need to help you understand what is going on in your life. It is very difficult to understand but you made a huge step in posting here.

I havent been here long and never in a million years thought I would be. I have finally admitted to myself that what I was dealing with was emotional abuse and I also am learning that no matter what he says to be nice, there is a hidden agend behind it. I am learning that he will never ever accept the blame and instead turns it around to be my fault.

Anyways, welcome to the board, read the archives and post as often as you can. We are all here to support each other

daisy

Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 7:10am
I'm 28 and I have two kids and I am a full time working single mother. I know where you are how it doesn't look good and you are not quite sure on what you would do if you were t leave. I heard the you are not a good mother mantra so many times I stopped counting them. Wow you have been with him a long time I fear for this for some of the girls I work with. You were so young never took the time to know where and who exactly you were as a person before getting married and he just wants to keep you there so he can put you down and any time you get hit it is a big deal and they always make it seem like it was your fualt and Prayers and HUGS to you dear and the kids. You never know what you can do until you are pushed to do it and I just know you can and would shine and flourish and so would your kids without his uncalled for comments. For as such a bad mother as I am I'm doing just fine without him and so would you dear. Keep posting and reading and knowing without a shadow of a doubt you are not alone and we care and we have been there and some of us are out and it is not a easy road but one worthwhile taking dear. You are a worthwhile person and you are the only one who needs to think so and if you forget come back here and we will tell you and once you see it them others will too. Probally not your dh but they don't like to see anything that is not under their control. HUGS and Prayers to you and the kids and I always said for years I stayed for my kids so they would have both parents at home and now I say I left for them. Most of thier lives they only knew the shell of who I was and that was not fair to them. Not that they have me they wouldn't give that up for nothing. It is hard to hear we know it is hard to believe that this is what you are going through but alone you are not and we are all here and we all know and each of us is in a different place on this journey yet we support each other in whatever place we are at on our own personal journey. Many more HUGS and Prayers dear to you and the kids.>Jo
Avatar for cl_mizlizzy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:43am
Everyone says it so well above, but I wanted to welcome you too. Hugs!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:24pm
Welcome sweetie, Mindspeak and everyone says it so well, but I wanted to welcome you to the board, too! Please post as much as you want, we are all here for you, hon!

Hugs!