Newbie here ....My Story
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| Tue, 02-21-2006 - 9:40am |
Hi all .....It took alot to come here ..most of all bc I just dont want to talk about it ,But I realize now that I am in to deep to deal with it alone .
trying to make a long story short ....I met a guy in high school....he started telling me that he loves me after one date ..(I was 14)the next weekend I went out with friends(girlfriends ,mind you )and he called me crying ,asking me WHY I went out without him.So ,after he made me cut off all relationships with friends (bc he wanted me to spend all my time with him )he began staying at my house til all hours of the morning ,and I finally told him that he was smothering me ,and I needed a break .....That was the first time that he cried and guilted me back in ...I felt so sorry for him .....well,being the blind teenage girl that I was ,I never realized what was going on ,and ended up dating him for three years ...He made me quit school bc my ex BF came back to the same high school that I was attending ...never would get a job (bc he always wanted to be with me )contstant threats of suicide...(if you ever leave me'..cheat on me ...' I will kill myself etc)
So I end up pregnant at 17 with the first of my three beautiful children...We didnt get married right away ...waited 6 months ....and I really think that the reason I married him was bc he was SUCH a baby (his mom took him to the doctor until he was 21)and I HATED that ...I wanted him to grow up and be a father to my child.and I though if we got married ,and moved away from his parents ,that I would be able to make him do this ....
So fast foward 4 years ....after an OK marriage ,I was lonley ,tired of being battered with jealousy and possessiveness(constantly telling me I look like a slut ...and my boobs were hanging out etc...WHICH they cartainly were NOT ) asking me everytime I returned home from somewhere "Did anyone talk to you ?...look at you ?"etc.I found a friend ....he listened to me and cared about my feelings ....long story short ....I have had a relationship with him for 2 and half years ...My H found out and went crazy...poured hot coffee in my lap...put a loaded .38 to my head ,more then once ...Just really horrible things ...that was a year ago ..or longer ...and STILL to this day ...just keeps getting worse ...I FINALLY got the courage to kick him out ....and he FINALLY left.
That brings us to the present ....He is now out of my house ...yet calls me at least 4 or 5 times a day (most days ) and late at night ,,,,just to tell me how much me "cant live without me ,and what he wants to buried in etc....he is also a BAD alcoholic,,,which makes it So much worse ...He has jumped out of my car when I was driving ,so many times I couldnt count ,busted his head once ,my kids screaming from the back seat .....I can still hear them .....
He was telling me just last night ..."its NOT abuse "...if you hadnt cheated on me I wouldnt be this way ....I dont think in all my life I have ever been yelled at or called so many nasty things as I was last night..
I have "drawings " that he put on my walls ....every time he comes here ..I find a new one ...They all say " MY NAME +MY "friends " NAME FOREVER " etc ...its amazing to me how someone could be so childish...
I am lost ..and dont know what to do ....and the thing that really makes me so upset is that I feel sorry for HIM....and tell myself things like "he doesnt mean it "and wont do it again etc....I am trying to be a good person about all this ...and would probaly just deop everything and forget the past ,if he would just stop.Thanks for listening ....

Hi love, and welcome to the board.I had to reply to your post mainly because my heart goes out to you for all you've been through.But also because I saw myself in some of the things you wrote.I also married my H.S. bf at a very early age.He was abusive and just plain childish as well.It took me 4 very long years to get away from him,but I did,and I never looked back.I do remember how emotionally and physically draining it was,he followed and tormented me for over a year.Which is what your H is doing to you now.
You've already taken the first and biggest step,you kicked him out.Now is the time that your strength will truely be tested.They will say and do ANYTHING to win you back.Don't buy into it,it's all lies.Abusers do NOT change.I know it is easy to feel sorry for them,but there is absolutely nothing YOU can do to help him or change him.You deserve to be happy,and live an abuse-free life.You cannot have that with him.It's also not a good environment for your children.
Do not have any Contact with him,block his number or simply hang up if he calls.I cannot stress enough how important "no contact" is. If he can talk to you,he can manipulate you and distort your thoughts.Stay safe and let us know how you're doing.
((((Hugs))))),
Serenity
Thanks Serenity...its nice to hear from someone who agrees that this is not my fault....His Mother has even called me ...a few nights ago ...telling me that she has never seen him cry so much..and cant understand WHY I cant see how much he loves me ....you see ,I have always had to much pride to let anyone see all the problems in my life ..I have always been hush hush ...so therefore not many people know what I have been through....
I am trying to be strong ...its just so hard to deal with ....I have made him leave bf ...only for a few days bc the aftermath was so much worse than what I was already dealing with ...and I just couldnt take it ....
Right now I am having to *PROMISE*that I wont get a divorce (I am scared of how he would act if I told him that is what I want ) AND all he cares about is my promises about that ..AND that I wont se anyone else ....if only I could make him see just how warped this is .....
Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c
You've taken the first big and important step, kicking him out. Now, as the other poster said, the next step is NO CONTACT. These types can and do use the slightest little bit of contact to try and work on you. I know it's harder with kids, but it can be done; for instance, you hang up on him the instant he tries to discuss anything other than the kids.
You say "you'd let it drop if he'd just stop." That is a very understandable feeling, but the truth is that he won't stop. He thinks he is justified in what he's doing (which he's not- it doesn't matter if you'd slept with the entire town, there's NO reason to threaten someone with a gun), and he is going to continue to do it for that reason. He sounds like he has the potential to be very dangerous, and for your kids' sake, letting it drop is not the safe thing to do.
Love, I just want to tell you that I am currently married to yet another abuser.Silly,yes.Considering my first time around.But it happened, I got sucked in again.YOu mentioned that his Mother is trying to guilt you into taking him back.
Of course his mother thinks he's a great guy!This is her son, her BABY.Does she have to put up with his abuse?? Does he degrade HER and threaten HER? I highly doubt it.She is asking you to deal with his abuse because SHE loves him.Well I say, she created the monster, let HER deal with him. My current MIL also tried doing this to me,then one day I just got so fed up with it I told her exactly how I felt.She's never said another word.
YOu have to stop caring about how others view you,and stop trying to justify your decision to throw your H out.This is YOUR life,who cares what they think.
As for you being afraid to tell your H what you want(divorce),I wouldnt tell him anything.If you feel you are in danger,or if he threatens you in any way, get a RESTRAINING ORDER.
"AND all he cares about is my promises about that ..AND that I wont se anyone else ....if only I could make him see just how warped this is ....."
This is so typical,both of my abusers did this to me also. My current H told me he'd give me a divorce but he'd see to it that I never saw anyone else. How retarted is that? Hon, you will NEVER make him see how warped he is.He doesnt care. Please consider what I said to you in the last post...NO CONTACT. I know from experience how important this will be to you. No contact means no guilt trips,no intimidation.He cant manipulate you If he cant talk to you.And again,get that restraining order if possible.Keep posting and know were here for you.
Serenity
>>>>>>>>>*My current H told me he'd give me a divorce but he'd see to it that I never saw anyone else*>>>>>>>>
I HAD to comment on this add something he told me just last week....as he was leaving ..he leaned into me and whispered in my ear "how would you like it if every man you are ever with turns up dead?"
yet ...he tries so desperatly to convince me that he is harmless ...LMAO
Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c
"how would you like it if every man you are ever with turns up dead?"
"yet ...he tries so desperatly to convince me that he is harmless"
They really are warped,aren't they?! Run dear,as fast as you can and never look back!
Hugs,
Serenity
Honey, this man is extremely dangerous .