new..hurting...help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
new..hurting...help!
3
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 12:03pm
I have been married 10 years. We have four children, one in school and the others are 4 and younger. He's in the military. Nothing has been right from the beginning, and he's had one affair and one cyber-affair. The one was four years ago while I was pregnant with our second child; the last one I found out about a month ago just after breaking down the walls I'd built and having a fantastic weekend where I let him have my heart again. I was talking to my stepmom the other night, and she said a couple things that got to me. The first was "Does the word ABUSE mean anything to you? The way he puts you down, blames everything on you, ignores you unless he wants something...it's all abuse." The other was that last August, a week after having the baby, I drove myself with the newborn and then 3 year old to the doctor a half hour away. I got there and was put right into an ambulance in cardiac and respiratory failure. I wrote it off...we both thought maybe I just had pnuemonia and I'd be fine. But I wasn't. I could have died at any moment, or passed out and ended up in an accident as well. He barely visited me, and I blamed it on the need to take care of the kids and his dislike of hospitals. I spent most of that month in the hospital when they finally found the DVT that gave me the PE.

But why the hell did I have to take MYSELF and two children to the doctor's when I was so damn sick?! Why do I ALWAYS have to have one of the children with me...or hear hell if I go alone?! Why does he not want me to go to the gym and lose the weight that's killing me?!

SO...talking about it last night with my best friend I found out that he thought I was faking it. FAKING CARDIAC AND RESPIRATORY FAILURE!!! Becuase I have three slipped discs in my back, and chronic migraines and I fake the pain from that too!!

I have plans for the kids and I to go home next month. After that I just don't know what will happens. He expects me to join him at his next duty station, still very far from home, and "give it a year" and if it's still hell for me he says I can go home. I don't know if I can come back, basically prostitute myself for a year or two in order to get some sort of marketable skill (I've stayed home for years) and some bills paid off so I'm not bankrupt as well if we leave, and the baby out of diapers....

But I'm living in hell, a ghost of myself (the angel is my deceased twin sister) and trying to hang in there...right now though I'm at the library, can't post from home because he checks up on my computer usage...but I'm headed to the psych again whom I saw the morning after discovering cyber-affair and who is encouraging me to stand up for myself.

I just hurt so damn much right now that I can hardly stand it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 12:28pm
Ever heard the term 'barefoot and pregnant'? I was married 27 years and have 4 kids - filed for divorce last month. My STBX wanted more kids. I'm pretty sure it was so I'd be 'glued' to home. He wanted all the freedom he could get, but I was at home with the kids all the time when I wasn't at work. He knew I was dedicated to my kids and would not leave them.

My story sounds a lot like yours except my STBX was never in the military. You've been there ten years; I promise you things will not get any better. He is an abuser. He didn't care enough about you to take you to the doc. I have been accused of 'faking' illnesses or I've not been helped out when I needed it, or he just totally showed no feellings for my well-being whatsoever. Then on the flip side, there have been times when he was totally there. I'm sure that's because he needed something of me. These guys do not have a heart and do not care of they could never treat someone they're supposed to 'love and cherish' this way. The longer you stay the more he will beat away at your self-esteem.

Do what's best for you and your kids and good luck.

Hugs,

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 12:41pm
JT told you right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 2:29pm

Hi Ghost, and welcome -


I agree with JT, Wishful and your stepmom.

CL-Blueliner4