nice or not nice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
nice or not nice?
26
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 3:17pm

My "hopefully soon to be ex" has finally sent (so he said) a counter offer for the settlement for our divorce to his attorney. My attorney is not in the office, so I don't know if he has gotten it yet.

My husband sounds so calm and half way nice until the discussion turn to the financial stuff (car, house, etc). He says that I am not being fair.

Is this part of the act? I mean with him being calm and wanting another chance. He sent me a message last week that he wanted to go out of town for a long weekend with me. This is the guy that locked me out of the house and he still can't get that this is happening?

I know it sounds like I answer my own questions, but I still have bouts of the "what ifs". I just need some encouragement, please.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 3:36pm

During our divorce, my ex kept wanting to take me out on a date too. Kept wanting to go out and do something.

Please, please, please - keep all the divorce stuff between your two lawyers. Te more you talk to him the more you are going to think "what if." He's really clouding your head, and you don't sound strong enough at the moment to see the forest through the trees - to realize which tactics he is doing.

He will act like he's in the dark as long as he can to induce a guilt trip on you. Guilt can eventually lead to you caving if you are not strong enough.

"He says that I am not being fair."

Not that you should go back and get into a debate with him, but what does he feel you're not being fair about?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 3:58pm

Hi;

What I wanted to ask you is have you educated yourself and read the books about abuse and controlling

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 4:22pm

Yes, he is saying that I am not being fair in asking for certain items, etc. I tried to tell him that he is the one living in the house while I pay for half. My car insurance expires in a few weeks. I have tried to get insurance in just my name, but they won't allow it, because he is the primary owner and I am a co-buyer. I can't just give him the car back, because I will have nothing. At least if I have to sell it, I will get half. He is not paying anything on it right now.

What you said about your ex wanting to take you out on dates hit me. He still wants to do that. He said that I didn't have to come home yet, but that he wanted to start dating again. He doesn't realize that it is too big of a risk for me to give back in and then get stuck there when/if he goes back to abusing. I don't think I would be strong enough to make it out of there alive "literally".

AND....you are exactly right about "it should never take until you're ready to leave for the other person to get it". I need to write that down and have it handy to read. I just forget about the obvious. I am still struggling with trying to look after myself and not anyone else. Thank you for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 4:26pm

I have a really good counselor, but I have only been seeing him for about three to four weeks. He told me to read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That". It was like reading my life in the book. I had nightmares for two days. That is something that makes me mad at myself. I can read the book or the posts and say to myself "Yes, you were not treated right and you are doing the right thing". But, there are times that creep up (a lot) that make me think otherwise. Even my counselor has brought things to the surface that I had not realized was wrong or that I had forgotten about.

If you have any other suggestions on books, please let me know. Thank you for responding and for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 6:13pm
My best suggestion is to keep reading book like Lundy's (other ones one abuse) get all the knowledge you can on the topic, then limit all contact. Use the lawyers to divvy stuff. It shouldn't be between you two because he can bully and guilt you.

So:
1. Read lots
2. Journal what you've learned, how you've applied what you've learned
3. Limit contact.

OK so that is a complication with the car. You can't drive a car without insurance. How many cars are there? Can you each get one?

We had only one car at the time and I let him take it because it was in his name. I stayed in the house. He actually lived IN THE CAR in the mountains for 6 weeks! Granted I gave him cash to put on a down payment on a apt. but he chose not to do that and used the $ to get drunk instead. I was carless for 8 months but luckily I can get around town by bike or bus. Then I bought a $2100 Saturn with my student loans. However I was ticked that he later, before the divorce proceedings, he traded in the car for a value of $1000 and got a huge honking pick up truck. I would have bought that car for a $1000!

So ask your lawyer on how to do the car/insurance thing before all the assets have been divvied.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 6:32pm
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans

The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Patricia Evans

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Sorting Out Whether Your Relationship Can--andShould--be Saved
Lundy Bancroft, Judith Patrissi

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 7:22pm

Hi;

All great books sienna.... and great posts.

Confused. It sounds to me and I am not a doctor but it sounds like you havent gotten strong enough to deal with the brainwashing

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 7:54pm
Thank you so much. It amazes me the strength you all have. I hope and pray (I feel that I will) have that someday. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your words of encouragement and advice. It really does help to hear from people who have dealt with emotional abuse and can add some words of wisdom. I hope one day I will be able to help someone as you are doing. Thank you again
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 9:21pm

Freelast's post reminded me of another book:

I Know I'm in There Somewhere: A Woman's Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a Life of Authenticity

by Helene Brenner

No need to buy these all, get them on interlibrary loan for free!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Thu, 05-05-2011 - 9:43am

Thank you, Sienna. I read some of your posts and it still surprises me how almost everyone's story are so alike. There was a post from someone to you stating "syndromes". I can relate to the "Honeymoon Syndrome, Revival Syndrome, Sobriety Syndrome and the Counseling Syndrome".

Last night he tried to contact me twice. Once was leaving a message about how he loved a picture of me that he had and how gorgeous he thought I was. He never gave me compliments, why now?

I am going to read some more of your older posts. It helps to see what others went through at the beginning. I can relate to your story so much. It was as if all of a sudden I had that one piece of straw that broke the camel's back. I could see all the things that I didn't like (even though I wasn't sure of calling it abuse right then) and that we had grown apart.

Thanks again.

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