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| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 2:02am |
i hope peace is with all of you. This is the Most holy month of Ramadan and i should be focusing on becoming closer to Allah (SWT) i spend day and into the night praying and reciting hoping for some kind of change. My husband is so serious about me becoming pregnant in 3 to 4 months and i am not sure there is anything i can do to stop this. I could go to a clinic, if they would take me, so it wouldnt show up on any insurance statements but what will he do if i do not become pregnant like he wishes. I have previously expressed that i do not want to have another child and so he could suspect me of deceiving him. I would be in so much trouble, i cant imagine his reaction. i feel like i dont even have any control over what happens with my own body. This weighs so heavy on my mind. i feel mindless, i have no say in my life i have nobody to reach to in real life. i thought about going to a counselor but what if he finds out. He is strict with knowing where i am going and the time i should be gone, almost always i can not leave without having some of our children. Like when i go to the groccer's, or to the post office and things like that. He is a very jealous man and accuses me of showing too much beauty to others and that i am conceited in knowing i have a pretty face and being petite. i do not wear almost any makeup and i usually only wear very dark color clothes and it is always very very modest. The only jewelery i wear is my wedding rings. Wallahi i dont want to get attention i am scared of someone giving me to much and making him even more jealous. He thinks i try flaunt at our sons school. When someone tells you these things over and over it makes you start to believe you are how they say. i catch myself thinking badly when i look in the mirror because he says these things, i forget that i am not the way he says. i have lipstick i used to wear and i saw it in a drawer the other day and thought how horrible i am and threw it away. i then thought later that was just what he thought and i dont think that way, i like a little light lipstick. i apologize for this being long and thanks letting me write here. i am happy for this. Happy Ramadan and thanks

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
Peace be upon you during this holy time, as well. I am not Muslim, but lived amongst Muslims in Indonesia for two years and deeply enjoyed that time of my life.
Having said that, sweetie, I feel for you. You've just given birth, and the hormones are still alive and well in your body, regardless of how petite you've gotten (I gained 50 lbs during my pregnancy and lost it all within 3 months, but my hormones were raging for a good six months after I gave birth). Be gentle with yourself, you're in a rough situation.
Also, trust yourself and take control of your body--you don't want to get pregnant again, don't get pregnant again. This also may sound repugnant to you, but the time has come to lie to your husband, he does not have the best interests of your family at heart and he isn't honoring you as the mother of your children. Take your youngest children, tell him you're going to the grocery store, but visit your local planned parenthood (call in advance for an appt). Tell them you want a depo-provera shot (actually, ask what they have, I don't know if they do that in this country). That will keep you without child for three months, I think, without evidence. I seem to recall he's a surgeon--nevertheless you can still tell him that your body must be tired if he doubts your failure to conceive. The cutters don't necessarily know the other specialities.
You do have an identity, I remember it from your previous posts. You are a strong and intelligent woman who is a devoted mother. It's still there, and I can still see it, it's just muffled from you by fatigue, loneliness and hormones. I'm sure you are beautiful, too, and that's also a blessing you should enjoy, not be worried about.
I think you know you need counseling. Do the same thing I said for PP--take the children and go. Many of the counselors who deal with DV have play areas, b/c you are far from the only woman who needs to take her children to counseling appts. Also, if the counselor works with the shelter, they won't charge you, at least for a while.
Best of luck and I hope your dark time passes quickly.
CC