No where to go but stay and survive
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No where to go but stay and survive
| Mon, 07-19-2004 - 3:29am |
This is my second abusive marriage. You'd think I would have learned with the first one. I have 3 kids from my first marriage, none with this one. My first marriage ended because he was sexually and phisically abusive of me and our kids. This one snuck up on me. My current marriage started off as the dream team. I had 3 unruly kids who needed a strict father, and there he was with a little whap once in a while to keep them on the straight and narrow. Those little whaps grew into smack-downs. He went to jail, came out an avowed changed man. We went to counseling, parenting classes, family counseling, more classes, couples counseling, tons of court dates, etc. and have come through. Now he is starting a different route...the verbal abuse. Mainly he does it with the kids when they "screw-up". But lately he has moved on to me when I try to step in and say something when I think he's out of control. Tonight was no different. After a major blow-up he would always say he's sorry and he loves me, "I am the love of his life" adding that he must love me, why else would he stay in this marriage when he can go at any time and live just fine without the hassle the kids give him. And that if only those kids would do what they are supposed to none of this would happen. My current husband has me in a corner and he knows it. I have no where to go, my family doesn't have room for me and 3 kids. I can't live in a shelter. I can't afford this place by myself, he makes the most money. I am stuck. Yet I want to leave. Quit my job, yank up the kids from school, leave all my worldly possessions here and leave. But what about my bills? Banks account? Where will I live? How will I support my family? What kind of damage can he do to me financially or credit wise if I go? So I stay and hope to survive until the kids go off to college, the youngest is 11. Any advice?

Don't sell yourself short here, you did it once and you can do it again. Sit down and start making a plan. The shelter's aren't just for a place to stay, they are also able to help you make a safety plan and refer you to places that can also help you set up a financial plan. The part "if only the kids would do what they are supposed to do" really bothers me. These kids are approaching the wonderful teen years and it is going to get more complicated. Don't let him blame the children. I was never allowed to discipline my children. It was Wendell's way or no way. Also check out about government services until you get settled and on your feet. That is the purpose they are there.
Good Luck,
Terry
Hi Veronnie, and welcome -
I agree completely with Newcam.
CL-Blueliner4
I feel totally helpless. Yes I did it before but it was a diferent situation, I had my mom to go to. I CAN NOT go to a shelter..NO WAY. I hate being homeless and I vowed last time was the last time. My kids won't be on the street. I need my own home to feel like an independant woman and to take care of my family. That's why I feel I just have to tough it out.
Today he acted like nothing happened last night, playing with me saying he loved me. Later he made a joke about how I was mad at him. This afternoon my son totally reacted to last night subconsciously by fighting with his sister then with me which resulted in me getting hurt by him. He's 13 and 6'4, 208# and Bi-Polar. I threatened to call the police and he calmed down. Later my son appologised and said he loved me. Doesn't that sound familiar? The cycle repeating with the next generation. I have to get my H out of here.
I have dreams that he would have a heart attack in his sleep, he smokes a pack a day.
So here I am. I'll still post and still read.
Okay, alternate solution.
CL-Blueliner4
What is DS? My son is taking meds, is not in counseling. We have had it with counselors. Who has the Bi-polar son and would you like to talk about it privately?
Today was an OK day. No yelling or hurting. Everyone got along. I was worried because it was my late night at work. Usualy things happen when I am not home. But nothing happened. My H called me at work to discuss finances, while I was at work. And I remembered something about how these kind of men keep their women in the dark about stuff. So I said to him that I felt like he was controlling me...he said well fine we won't pay the bills and we will go into bankruptcy, is that what you want? I'm sitting there just thinking I had to ge out of this marriage,. I just end up agreeing with him cuz i don't want to fight anymore. When I got home everyone was asleep.
At least it was quiet.
DS = Dear son
One thing you can do is again, contact the shelters near you.
CL-Blueliner4
It has been VERY quiet...TOO quiet. Tonight I found out he has been cheating on me since at least MAY. I am going to send the kids to my mothers' and confront him tomorrow night. Wish me luck. If I don't post here by Monday, at the most by next friday, something BIG happened.
I feel safer to post this here than to go to my mom or sister with it and risk being told, "I told you so"
I can not express the pure hetred I have for him right now. I have busted my ass to help him. He was a parolee when I met him. Without me he would be serving life right now. Then he goes and does this. I am surprised at how rageful I am. I thought I didn't care about him anymore. I thought I had no more feeling when it came to him. Why am I so angry if I don't feel anything for him anymore? Why do I care that he had affairs (yes plural)?
I definitely want a divorce now. But I have to time it right and protect my kids in the process.
Wish me luck!
I cant give much advice on leaving,as Im not doing that myself yet..if ever
I did just want to say however that I too had an abusive first marriage,also I left him!
you said you think youd learn from the first...guess ya dont,cause apaprently I didnt either!
my second also started out good,his anger was NEVER aimed @ me! he was great! but then when we got married,things started slowly changing!
Proud mom of Madalyn,age 7,wifey 2 Don and waitin on baby!!!!
**UPDATE**
I WAS going to confront him this weekend but I chickened out. I decided to take the situation I was given me and do some investigation and planning. He says all the 'right' things at the 'right' time, as the song goes. I will prevail and succeed in my plans.