Is this normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2007
Is this normal?
13
Fri, 04-29-2011 - 11:15pm
I have been on a couple different places on here talking. I thought I'd come here tonight because I've been thinking about some stuff. I'm just wondering if it's normal or a part of the abuse.

So, I finally left my husband. I've been going to counseling but I haven't mentioned this stuff yet. It's just been on my mind all day.

One thing my husband used to do is make me massage him every night....every night. For years I did this. He would get really mad when I said no so I always ended up doing it.
I also had to lay his clothes out every night, make lunches and get up at 5am to see him off. After a while it got to where he wanted me to bathe him. I hated it, made me feel so low. But, when I said no he would go into his rages of yelling and cussing. Telling me I'm a bad wife and most women take care of their men.
I had to wait on him... Meaning I had to bring him everything. He would call me from upstairs to come down and get him a drink.

He always said a good wife does this. And he works k
His butt off, why can't I appreciate that and give him respect.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2007
Fri, 04-29-2011 - 11:16pm
I just realized I had same heading as last person.... Sorry about that. Didn't mean to confuse anybody.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2007
Fri, 04-29-2011 - 11:23pm
Oh I forgot something. He used to grope/ fondel me. I mean, I would be standing in kitchen or wherever really and he would come up and stick his hand down my pants or up my shirt. I hated it!! Not sure if it bugged me because of my past SA or if I was just a nut. I mean, is that normal??? Do men do that. He didn't care if my kids were near, he just did it. I told him 100 times i didn't like it. He would say If I love him I will let him do it. It made me cringe.. Freak out on the inside.

Also, if he couldn't 'do it' during sex he would jump up really pissed and made me feel to blame.

He always stopped in bed if it hurt. So...,why nit stop when I tell him I don't want to have him stick his hands down my pants whenever he wanted. Not just down my pants but he went right to the spot.

Sorry I'm spurting this out!! I just need someone's insight. Is this normal!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 12:03am

If a man treats you like garbage, if he flies into a rage when you don't WANT to do things that make you feel like a slave, then yes, that's normal for a controller/abuser.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2007
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 12:22am
I've only Been in counseling about a month. I feel so scatter brained in there. I just haven't told her all yet.

It's kinda like since I'm not around my h right now things are coming to my attention. I was first in a place where all the cussing and yelling was on my mind. Then after I left him all this other stuff is coming to my attention.

Being in counseling and talking about h and ex and my dad is just making me crazy. It seems like I have not led a 'normal' life..., so what the heck is normal.

I feel like if I can't get this all out and learn to recognize things and change my way of thinking then my next relationship is gonna kill me. I just do things so not to get into trouble.

Then again (this is stupid) in the back of my mind I say 'if he would have just hit me instead of the walls maybe someone would have saw. Maybe I wouldn't have had to keep it all a secret and maybe my kids could have had a different childhood. Why didn't he just beat me!'
I realize that's the stupidest thing ever!!!! I have been hit by ex plenty of times and no one saw. Nobody ever sees which makes it my fault. I should have saw it and left.

Sorry!! I am self hating right now!
Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 10:35am

Please top beating yourself up! When you do you give him power over you and in a way he is still abusing you. It doesn't matter why you stayed just that you left and now to find ways to make sure you stay away! It is normal that while you were with him you blocked and/or minimized what he did in order to survive. Now that you are away from him our mind feels safe to process what you went though. For me it didn't hit me till I was reading old post I had put on another board. I remember reading and thinking I put up with that? Please as things come to you write the down. Keep a journal somewhere safe so when he starts with the crazy making, which it sounds like he already has with the whole good wife crap, and you start doubting if it was really that bad, which is also normal, you can read about what he did. For me it helped reading my own words and how it had made me feel to know I was not over reacting.

The stuff he is did not normal in a healthy relationship. In a healthy one your partner stops when something upsets you or makes you feel uncomfortable. With an abuser it is normal what he is doing but it is not healthy. What he is doing to you has a name but it is very hard to prove. It is called spousal rape and I remember being in shock the first time someone told that. I never saw it as rape because I might have said no at first but I always gave in to shut hi up and that is wrong. With a healthy person you don't have to give in to keep or get them happy.

I was the devoted wife at one point were I did a lot of the things you did and stopped when he would constantly tell me I never did anything for him. Men like this are very sick and nothing we do is right or good enough. The more we give the more they want.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2007
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 11:07am
I will try the journal thing. Maybe that will help.
I've always said I had a great husband. I never admitted to anything, I didn't see it as I did my ex. My ex I knew was abusive so I talked about him on these boards but maybe I was too embarassed or didn't understand that h was. My ex choked, hit, raped... Stuff like that.

Honestly, I don't understand how the groping is spousal rape. He never forced sex. I may have did it when i didnt want, but isn't that a part of being married. He just wouldn't stop groping when I told him
no. I did squirm and it's like being snuck up on and I got to where I tried to avoid him coming near me cause I was worried what he was gonna do.

Honestly.., that's freaking me out!!! I don't know what to say!!!!
Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 11:23am

Maybe the groping


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2007
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 11:49am
I felt dirty. I would have to immediately get up and pee and wash off and get dressed. Another thing I have a problem with is being naked and he knew this. He would make me stand there hugging naked. He wanted to see me naked and walking around.

I don't know why I hated it.. Hate my body, past SA... I don't know.

It was a very big deal to him and we fought about it a lot. He said if I loved him I would get over it and let him see me. He wanted me to walk around house even with kids there. I never did it! I don't know maybe I'm just totally screwed up! I do understand that married people share this and I just couldn't do it.
Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 1:02pm

Yes married people share those things but healthy married people do not force their spouse to if they are not comfortable with it and I don't think some things should be done in front of children. It is good for the to see affection but not their parents walking around naked or being touched in a sexual way.

If it is something you want to work on the way to do so is to try counseling with someone trained to deal with SA but not for your husband to try and force you to do things you do not want to do.


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Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 1:31pm

((((Dizzi))), I am so very saddened at what has happened to you.

Mama Harmony

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