Is this normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Is this normal?
11
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 5:17pm

I did pretty good during the Easter holiday. It was my first holiday away from soon to be (hopefully) ex husband. But, Monday it hit me like I had been ran over by a truck. It was as if I was in the beginning again. I know there will be good days and bad days.

My question is: Is it normal for you to want to make sure your abuser knows what he did? In my earlier posts, I have said that I find it hard to call it "abuse".

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Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 6:17pm
I suggest you write an email and send it. There is no point trying to tell him it is abuse, he is not going to understand. He will say the books are all crap..that is what mine said. Or he will say he did this because you did that. You are looking for closure unfortunately the only closure you will find is when you are gone and have made life for yourself. People usually look for closure even when there is regular break ups..that never really happens. Of course, it is like a death as it is the end of way life used to be..and there were good times too. Personally I know I have only written the bad..and that's why when I stay on, people wonder why. But there was at least 1 good to his 3 bad..thats why we stay and thats why you have a loss. Just think of all the negatives and why you are doing this..it takes time but it will heal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 8:26pm

Well, normal means a lot of things to a lot of people, so I probably can't say that what you are going through is normal for every person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 8:34pm

I remember when I left my abusive ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 11:49pm

Don't even waste your time trying to tell him what he did to you, or how he hurt you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2010
Wed, 04-27-2011 - 12:55am

i sounded just like you did about 9 months ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Wed, 04-27-2011 - 10:37am

Thank you. No, I know it isn't worth staying with someone who does those things to you and who shows little if any affection toward me. He would not even hold my hand in public (or at home) and when I would try, he would pull away and never give me an explanation. But, towards the end of the relationship, he said that he wanted to learn to start holding my hand.

Everything makes sense, but it is so hard to get your head to remember this and to believe it.

Thank you for your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Wed, 04-27-2011 - 10:39am
Wishful78, thank you for repsonding to my post. It gives me hope that you say it gets better. I look forward to the day that it is just a shadow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Wed, 04-27-2011 - 10:46am

Mslesliedavis,

Thank you for your post. I know that I won't get closure, it is just so hard knowing what I know now. I want him to know what he did to me and that it has a name. I read the article on the link that you posted. It was really good. A lot of it hit home, like the rolling of the eyes, getting quiet or mad when I was working at my work's social events and not paying attention to him. He got mad at me a few months ago, because I was telling my boss about a situation at our meeting and I didn't tell him (my husband) first. He was standing right there when it happened and was right beside me when I was telling my boss.

Your head understands all of this stuff, but I guess it is your heart that tries to overrun it. It is true, I think, that it is more obsession than love. My Mom continues to tell me that I was just a possession to him. It is hard to think of your husband, someone that you loved, would treat you like that.

I am in counseling once a week, but I need to get it out and have support during the "in between times". Thank you so much and I hope you have a continued happy life. Please continue the support to me while I am going through this. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Wed, 04-27-2011 - 11:12am

Perhaps for a sense of closure you can sit and write him a letter from the heart...tell him everything you are wanting him to hear...then fold it up put it in an envelope and tuck it away in your underware drawer....you will have been able to get it out without opening a new can of worms...just an idea

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-29-2011 - 10:17pm

I haven't read the other responses yet so I am sorry if I repeat what others have said but here goes, LOL.

I have wanted to write to my ex many times and tell him off for what he did but I know it will do no good. He will never see it or agree that he was at fault and did wrong. All it will do is go straight to his head that I contacted him and make him think he has power over me still. Nothing will change or be accomplished by me contacting him. When we were still together I tried to get him to see how bad it was and how far back the abuse went but all that did was give him more to use against me. I know how it feels to want to let the have it but in the end it does no good and may hurt you more so he isn't worth it.

I had someone suggest writing to him and then rip it up in a million pieces. That way I could get it out and then destroying it might make me feel good. I am not sure about that for me because I did write him once when I thought DS was going to contact him. I wrote him a letter setting boundaries for contact with DS but then realized contact of any kind was bad and after talking to DS about it he agreed. I ripped up my letter but felt nothing when I did.


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