Is This Normal?
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Is This Normal?
| Mon, 04-03-2006 - 4:19pm |
I have been with my husband for over 5 years (married for 2). He gets angry over the slightest thing, such as me not making dinner because I was sick or had to work late or me not giving him a warning when dinner will be ready because all he does is work and plays a computer game. I work full time and go to school full time, but he will never lift a finger to clean up after himself or ever make dinner- even when I had my wisdom teeth pulled he left me at the dentist waiting an hour for him to come back after they were done! I was going to school for Accounting, and realized that is not what I want to do with my life. I am 22, no children, and began taking a few courses in health care this spring and realized I love it and want be a nurse! He doubts me in everything I want to do. He tells me he will not allow me to go to anymore schooling and that I should just stay home and have kids or else he is leaving. I told him to leave because I am far from ready to have children, but he is still here. He yells at me, belittles me in public, and throws things at me. I have ALWAYS been a very indecisive person, have always had low self-esteem and I thought he would realize this. If we are out in public and I say the wrong thing, or make him looks stupid, or cannot make up my mind he will call me names, put me down..etc. I have gained 75 pounds due to dead thyroid, being on the depo shot for 4 years, impromper eating and just being lazy. I beg him to help me diet and exercise, because I also have severe asthma and just need someone to support me, but he won't. I feel he doesn't want me to become a nurse or lose weight because maybe I will gain some self-esteem and leave him. I won't leave him. I love him. What can I do? Is this normal?

Not normal.
Hey beckah.......
I used to be one of the CL's of this board and it is here that I came three years ago when I was in a situation like yours.
Let's review this:
You work full time, go to school full time and keep up with a house all on your own. That's not a lazy person. Busy yes, but not lazy by any means.
So he doesn't support you in your effort to educate yourself or support your share of the household expenses. You're 22 with no kids and literally your whole life ahead of you. By the way, lots of people including myself have switched career paths in college.
You have put on 70 pounds due to a thyroid issue. A doctor can give you meds to correct that and that will effect you in so many ways it's not funny. I know, cause I have the same problem. Put on 70 pounds and am down 15 thanks to South Beach with 50 to go or so. You don't need him or anyone else to force you to diet and excerise. You know how to walk and with the right meds and diet the thyroid problem will go away.
So that said, leave and don't look back. If given any opportunity he will get you pregnant you can bet on that. I know cause it happened to me. I love my son, but was definitely not in on the family planning meeting on that one.
The world literally is your oyster. Experience it and live your life. You will find someone who is normal and will support you and never humiliate you in public. My ex told our male friend what color my nipples were. I'm italian and dark complected. No one needed to know that and I use it now as an example. Do what makes your heart sing and things will come around.
Big Hugs,
Jennifer
Not normal at all. As the others have said, wanting to get you pregnant ASAP (very effective way of tying you to him for the rest of your life, even if you divorce) and not wanting you to work are classic abuser tactics. Mine tried both. Both failed.
One word of warning that the others didn't mention- if he's trying to get you pregnant, and you're on any kind of birth control, keep a close eye on your pills. Put them somewhere he can't find them. Check condoms for holes before use. I say this because mine tried to hide my birth control pills. (The real kicker was that where he hid them was somewhere that made it obvious what he had done, but that's another story. :P
Again, check out our board website, and keep on learning. You will find that you deserve much better than this.
Erin, you've given me an excuse to vent, sorry.
Don't feel bad; this was one that drove me insane too. And so, I think I'll vent too, LOL.
I wasn't always firmly CF, but I was on-the-fence-leaning-towards-no-kids for most of my life. Loony knew this, and made his mission in life to get me to change my mind- with HIM, of course. (Classic line: "You're going to give birth to my children whether you want to or not!" Well, six years later, and not a mini-Loony in sight at my house.)
We didn't have surreptitiously removed condoms, but we had a "ripped" one. Hope it's not TMI, but he had managed to smash it around in such a way that he was able to get it to rip. It did him no good, because I made him stop there and then (well, my "foot slipped", oops- let's hope I did permanent damage!), but he did try it.
The hidden birth control pills were funny, in a sick sort of way. I actually didn't notice they were missing until I found them where he had hidden them. The pill pack was pink, and I had this doll that sat on a chair that had a flowing pink dress. He had stuck the pack under the doll's skirt, I suppose thinking that the pink would provide camouflage. I happened to be down on the floor doing crunches, and happened to see something under the doll's skirt. I went to see what it was, and there was my pill pack, most decidedly where it had NOT been that morning. Of course, he denied having anything to do with it, but I started concealing the pills deep within the nether regions of my sock drawer until the day I threw him out.
Our points being, for anyone reading these rants- if you are living with an abuser and don't want to become pregnant by him, find some form of birth control that he does not control and that can't readily be hidden. Depo and the patch are two good ones, pills, condoms, diaphragms, etc. may not be. "Knocking you up" is a popular abuser way to wangle himself into your life for good, and you will need to be ready.