Is this normal behavior??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Is this normal behavior??
10
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 12:50pm
It has been 2 months tomorrow since I kicked D out. I have filled you all in on how he acts. He is very typical of how your "men" acted. He will blame me for everything under the sun and when he does something and I talk about it 10 minutes after we discuss it and he says sorry then I am "bringing up the past". UGH. Well, last Monday he said he would come see our son-- he is 9 months old. As you know from my previous post, he never showed. The same thing happened on Tuesday. Never showed. I about had a breakdown. I was at that point of "missing" him. Well, he finally came over this past Tuesday. He said he was bringing money for our son. He has not given me ONE CENT in 13 weeks! It costs me personally (no govt aid, no family help) over $200 a WEEK to take care of our son. I only make $12 an hour. I rarely get to eat -- infact, I LIVE off slimfast bars simply because I can afford them and Michelina TV dinners which are 88 cents at Walmart! It is really embarrassing. Well, on Tuesday he asked me to get us Subway for dinner when he was on his way over. He said he would pay me back for it when he got there. It was $16, not a big deal to most, but I don't have room for extras. Anyway, he gets there at 6:30-- our son goes to bed at 7:30, 8. He plays with him for 20 minutes and says he is outside to smoke. Well he calls one of his little buddies about getting some-- ahem funny cigarettes. Apparently it cost more than expected. I KNEW what he was talking about and it pissed me off. I don't care what it is, it is illegal and I don't want it around me! So, I tell him that i think it is best if he leaves. I told him I was sick of him buying that crap and wearing brand new clothes and shoes and driving around on his new scooter while not helping me take care of OUR son and watching us suffer for it. He had originally told me he would give me $50 plus the money back for subway. Yea, big deal as that is only a quarter of what I pay out in a week, but it is money nonetheless. When we go to court in June, he will have to pay a certain amount. I can hold out till then. It would especially be nice if he didn't pay and he could just rot his stinkin tail in the jail. Anyway, he gets on the phone with his buddy again and I get MAD. I mean mad. i could just feel the rage boiling. That is the part that makes me feel like it is sometimes me. Because I feel like I cannot control this anger built up. Whenever he is gone I don't EVER get upset. Ever. So I start telling him that he is a deadbeat and that he is so worthless and cannot even pay for his son. He says "yea man this is what I put up with" (always trying to make himself sound good). He pulls open his wallet, pulls out a $20 bill and throws it at me. I was so mad that I jerked his scooter by the handle bars and told him I wanted to push it over, that it was worth what he owed me for the last 3 months. I never break his property but I so wanted to that night. Is it normal that when you are in an abusive relationship to have the person make you get that mad that you feel like you cannot control your own anger? I want to jerk my hair out, put holes in things-- basically everything he does to me. But then I am back to being me when he goes. I know someone else mentioned their BF playing basket ball and them not being able to go to the park to play. ME NEITHER. That is typical of him. He never even wanted to take me to a nice restaurant, it had to be a hole in the wall or completely empty for us to go anywhere. It is really sad, but I need to know that it does get better and I need to know my feelings are validated and that I am not crazy and that it is HIM that makes me crazy. I hate him for not taking care of his child and putting himself first!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:15pm
Hi sondra...you have every right to be absolutely enraged at his immaturity, irresponsibility, and selfishness. I can't imagine that anyone would NOT be angry over what he has done to both you and your baby. He will always be a self-centered jerk. The less you have to rely on him, the better it will be. At this point, you need his help. Perhaps in the future you can set yourself and your son up so that you will both be fine regardless of what your ex does or does not do. Hang in there. In many ways, things will get better for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:23pm
Thank you so much for your response! I know it will get better it's just SO rough right now. And the texts professing his love for me and the calls, it is so much sometimes. He blames my bad attitude for everything. I just get so frustrated with it all that I blow my top. Not only am I the only provider for our son, but I also work full time and go to school full time. It is HARD. But it is also worth it. I am in nursing school so I know I will be making 3 times the amount I make now in the future. The sad part is that when the day is done, I still do blame myself. He has done some truly cruel things to me-- like letting me have our son by myself in the hospital because because he was too ashamed to be around my mom and then blaming me the next day for him not being there. Oh and don't you know that night I was blaming myself. I guess he has conditioned me to be like this and it is up to me to re-condition myself!
Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:36pm

I can't imagine how tough things are for you right now but there is at least one positive - he is out. You're stronger than you think for being able to do that with a 9 mo. old. I wish I had been that strong back then but as it is, now DS is 5 and he has a 3 year old sister! I'm getting closer to leaving but it is so hard. You have every right to feel angry and upset. They push us to our absolute limits.

You're in my thoughts.

L.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 3:13pm
I know EXACTLY what you mean about the anger!!! How it builds up so bad that you just want to destroy things, yell, pull your hair out somthing to eleviate the anger that is boiling inside!!!! I think that I was the one you were talking about my husband going to the park and playing basketball and not allowing me and my son to play at the park. It's somthing knowing that it happend to someone else as well. I left him once before when my son was very young. And the Exact things that you explained about your BF that he spends his money on all of these other things instead of helping out happened to me too. The difference between me and you is that you are strong enought to keep going. Me, I was stupid enough to get back with him. Nothing has changed, but I"m finding my strength more and more everytime someone like you is making it. I just wanted you to know, that I understand you completely!!!! And I found that it's not that you are going crazy, it's just how we act cause it jsut doesn't make sense and it hurts!!! Stray strong tho! Please keep posting, I would love to stay in contact with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 3:18pm

Sondra, I understand how you feel with the anger...my xh would push me and push me until I reacted and then I would never hear the end of it, once I ended up throwing a bowl at the wall (plastic) out of sheer frustration and he spent the rest of the WEEK telling DD$ that I was out of control and "needed help". Another time (I barely remember the specifics) he belittled me so much I knew I needed to get away from him so I calmly left and went for a drive to pull myself together but when I got back he had locked the doors and wouldnt let me in saying if I wanted to leave then he would make sure I stayed gone. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I get it and to say your emotions are normal...is is a selfish, manipulative jerk who cares nothing for you or his son BUT there is a way to keep him from hurting you and your son - NO CONTACT. I had to learn to set my boundaries (key in this sentance is learn, I did not figure it out over night) wiht him like I would only speak about the children and if he tried to start a different conversation I hung up. SOndra you are in control of your life, YOU are the one who decides to not put up with his crap...it is in your power. Try to establish any visitation through a third (trusted) party or at a drop off centre so you limit any contact with him. I feel for you because it has taken me 2 years to gain complete conttrol of my life (I also have 2 children with him)and I have stood exactly where you do right now. As long as he feels he has power over you he will continue to make your life a living hell. Have you sought counselling, specifically DV counselling? It will be a tremendous help for you to sort your feelings and begin to heal. Please keep us posted andknow that you are not alone.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 3:52pm

Absolutely, I would like to keep contact too! You can always email me through my profile :)

I have been thru hell with him. I can remember at 5 weeks pregnancy with my son he told me he would hate me forever if I had a miscarriage-- he claimed that a woman could control whether or not she had one! Can you believe that?! Then on Feb 26th, two days before I kicked him out, I found out I was pregnant again. I miscarried on March 13th, ironically his birthday. I remember saying in my head how it was my fault because a woman can control these things. I am no dummy, I knew better and yet I still let him control my every move and my thinking. He always wanted me to wear sweatshirts, t-shirts and loose fitting clothing. Anything that showed me as anything other than a mess he would comment on. If I put on eyeliner then I was trying to do someone at work. And God forbid I should wear sexy underwear or perfume. then it was really on. It has been hard and this NC thing is VERY hard, but it is so worth it because I won't let a man control me any longer. He has ruined too much of my life already, I won't allow him to ruin his son's. I won't allow him to raise Kyler to be like him and then he will grow up to be disrespectful to women and ME. I couldn't handle it if my little boy grew up to be like that! It is rough, but one day you will know that enough is enough and you won't allow him to treat you that way anymore. I am not out of the hole yet, I am still weak. But everyday I get a little bit stronger- and Zoloft really helps too LOL!

But yes, I definitely would like to stay in contact. It helps me to stay away from trouser stain when I have support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 3:58pm
Thank you so much for the support! I really needed to know that I was rational. When I was 17 weeks prego with our son, I went into the "psych ward" because he had literally driven me to the point to where I did not want to live anymore. I was crying out for help and had no where to turn. I did not really want to die, but I wanted out. It has been a horrible few years, one that he has apologized over and over for-- but I am tired of the "I'm sorry...but" speech. It is not my fault he is a jerk and yet although I tell myself that over and over there is this little voice in my head that says "maybe it is". Or maybe if I give him one more shot he will change. It is always the first day that goes GREAT and then the next day is back to being him. It got to the point that just seeing him walk through the room made me sick. I couldn't stand the sight of him! I guess though that I don't want to be lonely and I feel like even though I am only 24 that I will never find a good man and when I do that man won't accept that I already have a child... it is just so distressing to think about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 5:06pm
Then dont think about that stuff...focus on the here and now, on your well being and the well being of your son because you will find that each day will be a little better and before you know it days, weeks, months pass andyou begin to feel your strength, you begin to discover the you that existed before he tried to destroy it. They want us to feel as if it is our fault, or htat we are partly responsible which is what he is doing to you. You are not responsible for his treatment of you, for his actions, his emotions or his life - that is his responsibility. Give yourself time and try not to worry about things that you cannot control and focus on those you can. I worried endlessly in the begining about money, about my own strength, my competance as a parent and about being alone but in time I realized that I am perfectly competant as a person and as a mother and I get strength from healthy friendships and loving my family...as for money, I just bought a new car and my DD does dance and while there are tough times we are much much better off than with xh (who also liked to participate in illegal recreation as well as loved to drink).
I sense your strength adn your resolve to do right by your son, be goodto yourself and your strength will grow and your son will be eternally grateful.
Oh, as for being lonely...it happens at times but I have worked hard at developing friendships (that I was not aloowed to have before) and developing my own interests, its great to spend time and energy on myself even if it is only a bit here and there.
Please take care and know that you are not alone.
Lisa
Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 7:29pm
Yes, it is the years of pratice of pushing our buttons. I too am not a wall flower and my ex thought I was nuts but they make us that way and life is better without them. Although I'm a fan of the anger. Not on a general level but when it came to my ex and the first two years we were apart it was good. The anger kept me from taking him back and the anger kept me from idealizing him for what he was not, and the anger kept me from beliveing a darn thing he said about me. The roller coster is on. Day by day and the next time he thinks he wants food have him bring it over. My ex once offered to take me and the kids out to dinner after a parent teacher confrence when we first split up and I agreed then shockly he didn't have his wallet. Yes the anger came back and that was the last time we ever ate together. Prayers and HUGS to you dear 4 years out it is much easier.>Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 11:31am
It's absolutely human to be driven completely up the wall by some things. And, abusers are very good at finding out just what those things are for you. :P
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