Is this normal behavior??
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Is this normal behavior??
| Thu, 04-27-2006 - 12:50pm |
It has been 2 months tomorrow since I kicked D out. I have filled you all in on how he acts. He is very typical of how your "men" acted. He will blame me for everything under the sun and when he does something and I talk about it 10 minutes after we discuss it and he says sorry then I am "bringing up the past". UGH. Well, last Monday he said he would come see our son-- he is 9 months old. As you know from my previous post, he never showed. The same thing happened on Tuesday. Never showed. I about had a breakdown. I was at that point of "missing" him. Well, he finally came over this past Tuesday. He said he was bringing money for our son. He has not given me ONE CENT in 13 weeks! It costs me personally (no govt aid, no family help) over $200 a WEEK to take care of our son. I only make $12 an hour. I rarely get to eat -- infact, I LIVE off slimfast bars simply because I can afford them and Michelina TV dinners which are 88 cents at Walmart! It is really embarrassing. Well, on Tuesday he asked me to get us Subway for dinner when he was on his way over. He said he would pay me back for it when he got there. It was $16, not a big deal to most, but I don't have room for extras. Anyway, he gets there at 6:30-- our son goes to bed at 7:30, 8. He plays with him for 20 minutes and says he is outside to smoke. Well he calls one of his little buddies about getting some-- ahem funny cigarettes. Apparently it cost more than expected. I KNEW what he was talking about and it pissed me off. I don't care what it is, it is illegal and I don't want it around me! So, I tell him that i think it is best if he leaves. I told him I was sick of him buying that crap and wearing brand new clothes and shoes and driving around on his new scooter while not helping me take care of OUR son and watching us suffer for it. He had originally told me he would give me $50 plus the money back for subway. Yea, big deal as that is only a quarter of what I pay out in a week, but it is money nonetheless. When we go to court in June, he will have to pay a certain amount. I can hold out till then. It would especially be nice if he didn't pay and he could just rot his stinkin tail in the jail. Anyway, he gets on the phone with his buddy again and I get MAD. I mean mad. i could just feel the rage boiling. That is the part that makes me feel like it is sometimes me. Because I feel like I cannot control this anger built up. Whenever he is gone I don't EVER get upset. Ever. So I start telling him that he is a deadbeat and that he is so worthless and cannot even pay for his son. He says "yea man this is what I put up with" (always trying to make himself sound good). He pulls open his wallet, pulls out a $20 bill and throws it at me. I was so mad that I jerked his scooter by the handle bars and told him I wanted to push it over, that it was worth what he owed me for the last 3 months. I never break his property but I so wanted to that night. Is it normal that when you are in an abusive relationship to have the person make you get that mad that you feel like you cannot control your own anger? I want to jerk my hair out, put holes in things-- basically everything he does to me. But then I am back to being me when he goes. I know someone else mentioned their BF playing basket ball and them not being able to go to the park to play. ME NEITHER. That is typical of him. He never even wanted to take me to a nice restaurant, it had to be a hole in the wall or completely empty for us to go anywhere. It is really sad, but I need to know that it does get better and I need to know my feelings are validated and that I am not crazy and that it is HIM that makes me crazy. I hate him for not taking care of his child and putting himself first!!!

I can't imagine how tough things are for you right now but there is at least one positive - he is out. You're stronger than you think for being able to do that with a 9 mo. old. I wish I had been that strong back then but as it is, now DS is 5 and he has a 3 year old sister! I'm getting closer to leaving but it is so hard. You have every right to feel angry and upset. They push us to our absolute limits.
You're in my thoughts.
L.
Sondra, I understand how you feel with the anger...my xh would push me and push me until I reacted and then I would never hear the end of it, once I ended up throwing a bowl at the wall (plastic) out of sheer frustration and he spent the rest of the WEEK telling DD$ that I was out of control and "needed help". Another time (I barely remember the specifics) he belittled me so much I knew I needed to get away from him so I calmly left and went for a drive to pull myself together but when I got back he had locked the doors and wouldnt let me in saying if I wanted to leave then he would make sure I stayed gone. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I get it and to say your emotions are normal...is is a selfish, manipulative jerk who cares nothing for you or his son BUT there is a way to keep him from hurting you and your son - NO CONTACT. I had to learn to set my boundaries (key in this sentance is learn, I did not figure it out over night) wiht him like I would only speak about the children and if he tried to start a different conversation I hung up. SOndra you are in control of your life, YOU are the one who decides to not put up with his crap...it is in your power. Try to establish any visitation through a third (trusted) party or at a drop off centre so you limit any contact with him. I feel for you because it has taken me 2 years to gain complete conttrol of my life (I also have 2 children with him)and I have stood exactly where you do right now. As long as he feels he has power over you he will continue to make your life a living hell. Have you sought counselling, specifically DV counselling? It will be a tremendous help for you to sort your feelings and begin to heal. Please keep us posted andknow that you are not alone.
Lisa
Absolutely, I would like to keep contact too! You can always email me through my profile :)
I have been thru hell with him. I can remember at 5 weeks pregnancy with my son he told me he would hate me forever if I had a miscarriage-- he claimed that a woman could control whether or not she had one! Can you believe that?! Then on Feb 26th, two days before I kicked him out, I found out I was pregnant again. I miscarried on March 13th, ironically his birthday. I remember saying in my head how it was my fault because a woman can control these things. I am no dummy, I knew better and yet I still let him control my every move and my thinking. He always wanted me to wear sweatshirts, t-shirts and loose fitting clothing. Anything that showed me as anything other than a mess he would comment on. If I put on eyeliner then I was trying to do someone at work. And God forbid I should wear sexy underwear or perfume. then it was really on. It has been hard and this NC thing is VERY hard, but it is so worth it because I won't let a man control me any longer. He has ruined too much of my life already, I won't allow him to ruin his son's. I won't allow him to raise Kyler to be like him and then he will grow up to be disrespectful to women and ME. I couldn't handle it if my little boy grew up to be like that! It is rough, but one day you will know that enough is enough and you won't allow him to treat you that way anymore. I am not out of the hole yet, I am still weak. But everyday I get a little bit stronger- and Zoloft really helps too LOL!
But yes, I definitely would like to stay in contact. It helps me to stay away from trouser stain when I have support!
I sense your strength adn your resolve to do right by your son, be goodto yourself and your strength will grow and your son will be eternally grateful.
Oh, as for being lonely...it happens at times but I have worked hard at developing friendships (that I was not aloowed to have before) and developing my own interests, its great to spend time and energy on myself even if it is only a bit here and there.
Please take care and know that you are not alone.
Lisa