normal fighting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
normal fighting?
4
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 12:32pm
I'm to the point of being confused as to what it actually IS anymore. Sure, everyone can say it is when you talk things through and listen to each other....but in a fight, (even for healthy couples), don't tempers rise and people say things they regret?

Lately (some of you know my story-i haven't posted in a couple weeks), things have been going ok. I'm still frustrated over his financial situation, and would really like him to take care of things sometimes with regards to grocery shopping or even surprise me and take me to dinner. He is educated with a college degree and presently has a job which is "fun" but certainly doesn't pay much at all, he is constantly playing catch up. So anyway, that lingers in the back of my head. After the huge fight we had (when his ex was in town w/out my knowledge when i was away) and i moved away for a week, we saw a therapist, and overall things seemed to be improving. I've definitely had my guard up and probably been more easily annoyed than i ever used to be, so in some ways i know i am at fault too.

Last night, we got into the strangest fight. I made a passing comment about this girl who people have said is a mooch and rather cheap (in the monetary sense). She is a friend of ours, actually someone I knew first but has somehow become closer w/my boyfriend. She is nice enough, but pretty much every guy you meet is infatuated with her b/c she is gorgeous, a phenomenal athlete, knows a ton about music and is really non-girly, just "cool." So anyway, i made the comment about her last night to him and he got ridiculously defensive of her, said whoever made that comment must be a loser anyway, and then demanded i tell him who said it. I told him that i wouldn't say the person's name based on his reaction, that the person said it in passing but i had no idea he'd react so strongly and automatically call them names. I told him to drop it, it was a passing comment and didn't need to be taken any further. He wouldn't let it go....so the argument spun into how all my friends are "backstabbing idiots" (news to me), that this girl was awesome and he was just a loyal friend and sticking up for her...i said he wouldn't do the same for me....the fight escalated to him saying "well this relationship isn't worth anything, you should just dump me, we should just break up" ......I told him if that's truly the way he felt, but that he was overreacting to a comment about this girl....he said that I was a shallow person that i wouldn't defend this girl (when he and i have previously had the same conversation about the same thing, he HAS agreed in the past)....somehow the fight escalated into him playing martyr in a defensive way, saying how he was just an "idiot with no money, someone who treats me wrong, why was i even with him".....etc etc etc. I told him he wasn't an idiot, but why was he making barely more than minimum wage when he IS intelligent, that sometimes i would like him to surprise me or take me to dinner or say he wants to go see this film or go on a hike or whatever. All things we USED to do all the time. Told me he was "sick of my s*it, that he didn't want to deal with it anymore, for me to just shut up".....eventually we faded off to sleep but that was the jist.

Well, this morning he wakes up and says sorry, gives me a big hug and kiss, tells me he loves me. I wasn't ready to give in, but was still in bed and didn't want to deal anymore. He also threw in there that it wasn't all his fault, but said it in a "sweet" way.

I'm just confused, would this be considered normal-this argument? I don't know why he reacted so strongly in the first place and then was SOOOOOOOO angry I wouldn't tell him who said this comment about his friend (who was supposedly "our" friend, but i'm rather sick of the infatuation, though i don't mind her).

I thought things were getting better. And I feel that I now overanalyze EVERYTHING, which isn't right either.

thank you for reading & responding (if you do)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 1:14pm

Oh, honey, this guy isn't changing a damn bit.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 1:32pm
about your last paragraph...see, I wasn't giving in and understanding his ways, either. Should I be the sorry one that I made an offhand comment about this girl? Should I feel like a bad friend because I passed along what someone else had said about her (and somewhat agreed)? The girl has done no harm to me but the obsession with her is annoying and other people see/ feel it as well. I of course cried myself to sleep again, but was also very angry. He got mad at me for "making him feel guilty". I guess what i am trying to say is I know I am probably not right 100% of the time, so then should he always feel bad or apologize? I get more upset about the way we fight than what the fight is about so it is all very confusing.

And he used to have a steady, stable job where he made enough money to support himself and do normal things that cost money. I wonder if he'll go back to that or not, if it is this town, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:39pm

You should not have to apologize for having an opinion.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:02pm
i know in some ways that his behavior is wrong, but it is as if I can't see or understand differently. I keep thinking about when he makes me feel good, when he is loving and sweet, and how I don't want to hurt him. I do think he loves me (maybe doesn't know the proper ways to show it). But I don't know how different he is from that many other guys; don't a lot of women complain about men and their "lack of understanding them"?

I also think about how in a lot of ways he WILL be a good father, and of all the things we look forward to together, I have a hard time giving those up (trips to hawaii, football games, etc). i think his dad is similar to him in some ways, and his mother seems ok (though it is hard to tell).

I don't know. I feel like I don't ever want to hurt him. And I appreciate things he HAS taught me and value the time we have spent together. And my biggest fear is doing something drastic, regretting my decision and then having him not wanting me back. We did a "trial" separation for a week and it was very, very hard. I couldn't go to sleep at night nor did I want to wake up in the morning when he wasn't next to me. I don't know how to go through that again....in some ways I wish he would leave or take a small break. Oh, I don't know if I wanted to say that.