Not even sure the attorney will LET me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Not even sure the attorney will LET me
5
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 11:41pm

But i want to leave this letter to M, when i leave. What do you think? I dont know - its not like i feel i have to explain myslef, b/c i am pretty sure his sick warped mind will blame me ANYway, but for me, i will have said what i needed, & maybe, MAYBE, something will get thru to him. & if it makes MY life easier, by him not making trouble, it will be worth it. & moslty, it makes ME feel better. But again, the atty may so NO WAY.
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M, I am sorry i had to do this this way, but you left me no choice.

I truly don't think you know how bad it has been for me, the name calling, the bullying, the put downs of myself, of my family & my whole being in general. The threats - physical, legal & emotional. I chose to live with it for myself - too long - but i THOUGHT it was better to have Averey in a 2 parent family than to be seperated. But it isnt. I cannot choose that for her. She is too special a little girl for our relationship to screw her up. This is ABUSE & she is learning that it is ok to be treated like this by a man. I am starting to see her feel the need to defend me - this 4 yr old CHILD, feeling that her FATHER is mean enough to her mother, that she needs to try to help me. I cannot let it go on any longer. I swore to her as she grew that if i saw the abuse starting to effect her, i would leave. & its time.

It breaks my heart, b/c you have the capacity to be a wonderful father to her. She loves you so much & i wouldnt ever want to take that from either of you. But you & I together is ruining our baby's emotional state - & mine cant last much longer like this either. It will only get worse from here. It is a toxic atmosphere & i wont allow her to live in it anymore. Never mind myself. You have had your hands around my throat, threatening to "snap my neck", you have called me a c***, a moron, a fat pig, a f*** liar ... IN FRONT OF OUR CHILD. You have threatened to call the police & lie that i assaulted you & Averey cried when she heard you say that I would go to jail & she begged you "Please dont send my Mommy to jail". You have told our daughter point blank that i lie to her, that I am mean, that i woud throw you out & you woudl have no where to live, that you hate me, & you once even said to her that I didnt love either of you & would throw you both out. You have told her that i will find her a new Daddy, that i will just get pregnant by another man & that i would probably "just have an abortion". This to our FOUR YEAR OLD CHILD. You have terrorized me in a car, holding me hostage to your tantrum, while putting my life in jeopardy w/ dangerous driving in a rage. You have threatened to ruin my career. You have repeatedly threatened to hurt me if i ever left you & you told me "If you try to make me leave, i will make sure Averey & the dogs are out & i will burn the house down with you in it".

I have tried & tried for years. I have made excuses for & covered for your abuse, for your innapropriate comments around people, & I have been constantly berated by you for EVERYthing, while *I* am the one who holds this family together financially - & not just since you have been on the meds. You RARELY worked full time in the past 8 years. All i asked for in return was respect & some appreciation. Instead i got berated, put down, ridiculed & worse, physically abused & threatened.

I made it very very clear after you had your hands around my neck, that if you ever drank again, i was done. That was a year & 1/2 ago. I had so much hope when you "quit drinking". But you are drinking again & nothing you can do will stop that until YOU are ready. Please remember ONE thing, you have a daughter who adores you, & NEEDS you - drinking w/ Hep C & chirrohsis is gaurenteeing her a traumatic childhood of the loss of her Daddy. Think about it M - she has 1 father, 1 Daddy, 1 "Didi" ... you can NEVER be replaced in her life. & only YOU can assure some gaurentee that you will stay around as long as you can. No one else can do it for you. No one else but YOU, can do it for HER.

Over the past 3 years, i have had to flee our home, with our daughter in tow, b/c i was afraid for my safety, numerous times. You tossed a huge butcher knife on a counter next to me. You have pulled me by the hair to make me look at you, you have told me that you will drag me out of the house by my hair, you have told me over & over & over again ... AND showed me you are capable of it ... that you WILL HARM ME if i ever try to leave you.

You have had questionable relationships with on-line & real life women. You have raised your hand as if to hit me. You have said in front of your daughter, that you will kill yourself. Our child is verbalizing that this is HURTING HER ... "Why did God make Daddys & Mommys fight so much?" "Why does Daddy yell all the time, doesnt he like you?" "Daddy, you hate your wife, dont you?" , "Daddy! If you dont stop, you are going to have to get a new wife & daughter". These are all quotes from Averey over the past year. THIS is what she will remember M. & she will grow up to hate you for it. Beleive me. That is the last thing she wants, i want, or you want. I know how much you adore her. But you must choose to get well. To deal with whatever it is that makes you like this. It will be very hard work, but it will be worth it in the end - b/c you will have your daughter.

You have lost me. There is no going back for me at this point. You have killed the love i had. I love you b/c you are Averey's Daddy - but i cant be in love with you again. Its gone. But you havent lost Averey. Keep it that way. Do what you need to do, for her, for yourself & your future. You are not a bad person M, but you are ill. You have so many wonderful qualities - but the bad now outweighs the good for me, & for Averey.

Be sane. Follow the restraining order. Dont cause problems because they will only be YOUR problems in the end. Legally, emotionally, career-wise.

I DO NOT want to keep Averey from you. But right now, for her own safety, i have to. I have seen you emotionally abuse her by what you say to her in reference to me, you use her ... & you once told me you would take her & i would never see her again. & the fact that you are drinking, i cant count on her being safe with you. I cant chance any of that. She is too precious to me.

Get an attorney & we can work out an agreement for Averey. Divorce papers have been filed. I want as little to change for her as possible - i dont see why, once you prove you can be a healthy parent to her again, that she cant be with you as much as she has been. Please do this for her. I am her mother & i know, right now, what is best for her. & i will do WHATEVER i need to in order to protect her. Without question.

R~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 12:54am
That letter will just fall on deaf ears. I would take the attorney's advice. This is doing everything you have to do to come out with as much as you can in the end. Your attorney has been through this before. Let him or her help you to get everything you deserve. Do not give the other side any ammunition.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 1:01am
Thats kind of what i figured. I havent even asked the atty about it yet, but i most certianly will only do what he says is ok. It feels good to get it OUT anyway! lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 1:07pm

About a year ago, my friend KK did a similar thing (except the pig she was married to left her for a 21 yo with a toddler, leaving his two boys behind), but she actually went through with it.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 5:01pm

Thanks all of you. I sort of knew the suggesstion ... warning! lol ... would be NOT to send it. Alcoholics & abusers, they cant see. Its a waste of my time to give it to him - but as many of you said, it wasnt a waste of time to write it. Yes, seeing it in B&W is pretty scary, & i have documented all that & more already, & my atty has it. I need it at times like this last week where he has been on his best behavior, & is totally clueless that this is coming. I mean TOTALLY. He was talking yesterday about his now almost being off the Hep C meds, that within the year we can try to get pregnant. Apparently he didnt beleive me when i told him those plans were off! I often go back & read my documentation & my posts to remind myself what REALLY goes on - not what may be happening at just those calm moments. Its hard, suprisingly, not to feel some guilt that he doesnt know its coming, or guilt that i am taking our dd away ... but i know deep down that HE has chosen to abuse & to drink ... HE has caused this & i am only doing what i MUST do to survive in tact emotionally, & assure the same for Averey.

& I bet my atty woudlnt let me give it to him anyway. It would give him too much info. Blindsiding him is the best stratedgy, I am sure. Its funny, well, sad - on my way ot work today i was thinking not of all the big bad things, but of the little crazy-making things that i wont miss when he is gone ... like i was driving by this adorbale little romantic restaraunt we used to love. We dont go anymore b/c the parking is horrible & just something like not being able to find a parking space, for him, can ruin a whole I( have given up so much of MY social enoyable things b/c HE cant handle them. Or, i have just detached from it & gone on my own - which also is no way to have a marriage. Little annoyances, every day normal LIFE annoyances, he just cannot take like a normal person. I dont know how many times i have pointed out to him that whatever it was is MINOR in comparrision to what COULD be going on ... but it didnt matter. If it wasnt exactly as HE planned & expected, he would flip out. I HATE that stress. & soon ... i wont have to live with it anylonger.

Thank God for this community, I dont know what i would have done so many times, over the years, w/o the support of so many wonderful people on iV.

R~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 1:45pm
I just wanted to tell you that writing things down is never a waste of time in my opinion. I think it helps us to clear our minds and gives us wisdom. I think your life is important enough that if you want to write about it, it's not a waste of time.