Not sure how to take this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Not sure how to take this...
7
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:09pm
My BF and I have been together for 3 months and everything is great, or so it seems. Sometimes if I don't agree with him or whatever I am a stubborn woman, we fake fight, like wrestling and stuff...well sometimes he actually hurts me, I tell him to stop and that it hurts but he just calls me a wimp. He also before has grabbed me under the neck and I hate it because it feels like I am choking and I freak out and he says that I need to trust him and that he wouldn't choke me it only feels like it cause I freak out. He also the other day put his hand over my mouth and nose and I panicked so therefore couldn't breathe. I don't understand why he does this, 'cause whenever I freak out and start to cry he was like, oh baby I'm sorry and then wants to hold me and comfort me. It's very strange and I think that in all honesty he is just playing and sometimes takes it too far but I wanted someone else's opinion. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 5:41am
If he's doing it repeatedly, it's because he wants to scare you and make you cry. It's a power thing. If he cared about your feelings of fear and discomfort, he would stop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 9:57am

This sounds like the beginnings of abuse to me. He knows that this frightens and upsets you and he does it anyway. This is a big red flag to me. Abusers start slowly and train you to get upset and then turn to them for comfort. It frightens me that he would hurt you, downplay the significance (calling you a wimp) and then try to confort you for the fear and pain he caused.

He may seem like a great guy in other ways but a truly great guy does not hurt, frighten or purposely make a woman who care about him cry. Also you should never have to agree with the man you are with. You have a right to be stubborn and be yourself. Men who abuse like to make us cut our own selves down. It makes us easier targets. You are worth more than this.

Another warning sign - if you start being angry with me for saying these things and start looking for ways to forgive him and downplay how he hurts you he is already getting into your head.

I do not want to sound harsh and uncaring because I am not at all. I have gotten out of a 6 1/2 year abusive relationship. I wish someone had shown me the warning signs and made me listen to my own fears. I do not want to see anyone hurt the way I have been and the way so many other women are by men who like to have power over us. Life does not have to be this way.

Wishing you the best. Please post again and let people know how you are.

Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:01am
I totally agree...there is nothing good about what he's doing to you. It puts you in a helpless and powerless position and he is training you. Normal people do not do this to other human beings, only screwed up people do. Dating is about finding out whether someone is compatible with you and is bf or marriage material. He is not. He's trouble and will make your life miserable and insecure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:03am
Also...the fact that if you don't agree with him you are a "stubborn woman". This is a classic sign of an abuser. This will get much worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 12:02pm
Not making excuses or anything, but I think that just stumbling on to this message board and reading all of the entries about abuse has me looking at every little thing he does as abuse of some sort. It's like once you read the signs you can't get them out of your head and so I think everything he does just might be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 10:05pm
As Skycat says, "If you think it might be, it probably is."
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:37am

This is abusive behavior, because it's designed to scare you. And, what if he slips one day and actually DOES strangle you? Just because he didn't intend to kill, won't make you any less dead.

I don't mean to be scary, but the human airway is not something you joke around with. If he doesn't stop when you ask him to, and he does it again, it's abusive behavior and time for the boot.

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