not sure if it's abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
not sure if it's abuse
4
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 7:22pm
Hi, I'm new here, and I was wondering what defines emotional abuse? I ask because my boyfriend has told me (awhile ago) that his ex said he was emotionally abusive. We've been together for 2.5 years, and most of that time, I haven't been happy, but I'm still with him because...? it's easier?? I'm 25, he's 28, neither of us have ever been married, this is my first "real" relationship. But I don't think it should be like this. Lately, we haven't been fighting as much, usually we fight at least a couple times a month. About stupid things, like the other day we were talking about rearranging some furniture, and I asked where we would move something that was in the way. He yelled because he claimed he had said a few days ago we were moving it to his mom's storage. But he talked about it w/ her, not me! And I was just supposed to be psychic and know that. He does that sometimes, yells when I ask him something that I'm "supposed" to know, and I'm not supposed to ask him about stuff, because then he feels I'm questioning him. Well then how am I supposed to get an answer if I don't know? He says I should pay attention more. But the same doesn't go for him, lots of times I will be talking and he won't even acknowledge me, he claims he doesn't hear me, which is crap, or if the TV's on and I say something, he says "I'm doing something else, I'm not even listening to you" but not always. So I don't really say much anymore, then he gets mad because I never talk! But I don't have anyone else to talk to, no friends, no family (only my mom, I don't see her very much because we don't really get along) so I'm just kind of by myself except for him. I don't have a car, we share his, so sometimes it's hard to go places. He likes to go out w/ his friends, but I'm not ususally wanted there because either it's all guys and if I want to come he thinks it's cause I want his friends (not true), or if he's at the bar, I can't go because he gets jealous of guys talking to me. If I really want, I can go, but then he'll definately get mad at me for something, so it's just easier not to. Mostly I just stay home and watch TV. I also work full time, he works part time for his dad when he feels like it, lately he's been working more because he just got a car so now he has a car payment, but the old insurance for our last car was in my name, and he waited till the last possible day to switch the insurance, so I had to keep the insurance in my name and just make changes to my policy, which cost me a lot more money than if he'd gotten his own insurance earlier, and I had to pay for it! He's not good w/ paying bills on time, so they're all in my name (we live together) and I end up paying everything because whenn it's bill time he never has money, (he's always getting paid a few days later, whenever that may be) but the rest of the time he'll pay for food and stuff, but I never (literally, all my money goes to bills) have money. But sometimes when he has money he'll give me a 10 or 20 so I'll have something, but I'm always afraid to spend it, because I'll need it later in the week to buy us food or something. He's never hit me, about a year ago he shoved me into the wall and I fell, but I wasn't hurt. After that, when he yells at me I flinch away, I don't think he would ever hit me, and he says he wouldn't, but he says when I act like he's going to hit me, it makes him want to do it. And he always makes little negative comments to me about my low self esteem, I don't think I use to have low esteem but I think I do now...when you keep hearing something you start to believe it. He also thinks I have depression, maybe I do, I don'tknow, and he thinks I need counseling for my "issues" and "caring what other people think". Except him, I am supposed to care about everything he thinks. But in general, I can deal with it. Sometimes I think about leaving, moving to a different state and starting over, but I don't have any money, and I don't know really where I would go. And I don't have a car, an I have really bad credit. Anyway, just needed to vent, if anyone actually reads this whole thing, thanks, and let me know what your opinions are, because I know I have really bad judgement. Thanks, t
Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 11:18am

I'm sorry you're involved in a relationship like this. You say you have poor judgement - do you feel like you used to have better judgement and that it's only after being with your boyfriend that you feel you don't? I know how that starts to happen over time. You don't even realize it. The same with your self esteem going down the drain. It seems that you're realizing something isn't quite right. Sure, you could put up with it - it sounds like you have an easygoing personality like I do. But are you happy? It doesn't sound like it and from what you posted, why would you be happy? Your boyfriend isn't treating you well at all. The only advice I can give you is to start paying more attention to your own happiness and be careful with your money. You probably don't have any because he's draining you! My H is the worst with money. He never paid bills on time, therefore I paid them. He denies himself nothing. He's not out buying big ticket items, he has nothing to show for his spending which is almost worse IMO. He drinks with his friends and that's where alot of it goes. He used to steal money from me so that's why I say watch your money. Stop giving him so much and start saving your $$$ somewhere separate from him and maybe soon you'll have enough to leave and start over. From what you've said, there doesn't sound like much to stick around for. You deserve much better.

Good luck,
L

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 1:02pm

What you have just described sounds very much like what my life has been like. Have you told him that you are unhappy with the way he treats you? I used to describe this sort of this to my SO and I would be told that I was wrong, that what I said was not the point, that I was not taking his feelings into account. Either that or he would get angry or he would not listen or he would forget. What I learned was that no matter what I did or said - the real truth of the matter was that for him what I thought or felt or needed did not count. Only what he wanted and thought or needed was allowed to count.

I think what you are describing definitely fits the definition of abuse. I would recommend reading some of the lists of the criteria of abusive relationships and other helpful documents on this site. They were very eye opening for me.

It does not sound to me like you have bad judgement at all. It sounds to me like you are living with someone who has been feverishly working on you to tell you that you have bad judgement in order to be able to take advantage of you. I know what that feels like. I know how it feels to think something through logically on your own just to talk to him again and feel like your head is spinning and wonder how it is that you managed to be wrong once again. And sad. And hurt.

You do not deserve this. No one does. I wish that I could give you advice on what to do but I am still not sure how I am handling everything that is happening in my life yet. I do want you to know that my heart goes out to you. I understand what you feel. And it is important that you know that this is NOT your fault.

My best recommendation is to keep reading about this and posting about what you feel. Wishing you the best-

Demeter

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 2:32pm
Thanks guys, sometimes it helps just to know someone can relate. I don't know if I've always had bad judgement or if it just seems that way. I haven't ever had any "real" friends, I always felt like I was used for something, so I think I have bad judgement w/ people. I also noticed recently that I can't look people in the eyes anymore, and I've heard that's a sign of low self esteem? I've told my bf how I feel when he says negative things, that I feel he treats me like I'm stupid and can't do anything for myself. He just says "I've never said your stupid, I don't think that" and I say "you don't have to actually say the word, it's the little comments" like when I don't park straight, he says "I've told you how to do it right, it's simple, just do it" and it's not that I can't do it, but I don't always care. Sometimes I feel like he's taking advantage of me, but he helps me out when he can, and even though he should do more, for some reason I let him get away with it. One thing that's kind of scary is this article I read about loser personalities in relationships, I found a link to the article somewhere on ivillage but now I can't find it, and anyway the article fits him perfectly. So I know I should probably leave, but he says he loves me and wants to marry me one day, and I really want kids but not right now ( I don't have any, but he does, not living w/ us) and he would also like more. But we're not in the financial situation I would like to be in to have kids.
mom2dylan:
He also spends money on nothing, and goes out drinking w/ his friends sometimes, but not nearly as much as he used to in the beginning of our relationship. And when he gets home, at 2-3 am, he wakes me up, and if I don't get up he gets mad, and his anger's always worse when he's drunk, but he doesn't do it that much. I know he's taken money from me before, only a couple times, and I know because he's given it back a few days later, but it's before I paid the bills so I didn't notice a $20 was missing. ( I don't have a bank account so my money's always in my purse) But it worries me because I wonder if he's done it other times and not given it back. I don't think so because I keep a super close eye on how much I have because it's usually just enough to pay all the bills w/ maybe $30 or $40 to last me the 2 weeks until I get paid again, then the same cycle. I'm getting to the end of my rope, I HATE never having money because he's not contributing. I think in the beginning of next year I'm going to tell him I can't do it alone anymore.
But I'm scared he'll leave, and I know if he did I'd be better off in the long run, but then what do I "get" out of our 2.5 years together?
demeter:
When I tell him how I feel about how he treats me, he says that's how he is, and I'm being too sensitive, and he's like that w/ everyone. And he does say "that's not the point, if you wouldn't do (stupid) things, I wouldn't have to correct you". and he's said in the past " I'll start being nicer when you start being smarter" but he hasn't said that in at least a year. So I guess I'm being "smarter". I also feel like I don't count sometimes. We eat out alot because he doesn't like things I cook (I don't know how to make very many things, but I try, because it's expensive to eat out all the time) and he'll ask me where I want to go, but each and every choice I make is shot down by him. I don't usually care where we eat, but I just hate when he always asks me if he's not going to go anywhere I pick anyway. What's the point?
I know in my heart that I have to leave eventually, but sometimes I'm scared. He's always worse when he drinks, and even though he doesn't do it that often, when he's sober again, he'll tell me that he meant everything he said when he was drunk, but he doesn't even remember everything he says! So I don't know if I believe him. The worst thing he ever said was one night (a long time ago) when he was drunk and he came home early morning and we got in a fight, I don't remember what about. I said something about leaving and he said that I could, but then in the next minute he was telling me that if I ever left he would get 2 of his friends to come and rape me. I know he didn't mean it, but I wonder what if he did? So if I leave I have to be able to go far away the day I tell him it's over.
Sorry this is so long, thanks for listening.
Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 3:50pm

You say you're scared he'll leave and then what would you get out of the 2.5 years. You'd come out of it realizing you don't want another relationship like this one and you'd spend some time working on YOU. Building up your self esteem, making some friends and feeling better about your life in general. You don't have kids with him and, based on my experience, I'd recommend against marrying him and having kids. I wish I could go back in time and recognize my doubts about my H before I married him. It's going to be much more difficult for me to leave now.

But my point is, we should try to look at all of our experiences as how we learn about life and ourselves. And learn from our mistakes because God knows we all make them. I just think you need to work on you and I don't think you'll be able to do that if you're with him.

I wish you the best.
L